Dominant Drop

By Mistress Steel © 1995 - 2001

(The detaching of a Dominant due to excess energy release!)

The Dominant engages in a relationship which begins with the establishment of rules, boundaries, instructions. A requirement to the submissive to follow immediate directions of conduct, behavior, attitude etc. An example of this is to immediately require that the submissive call the Dominant an honorific title such as Master, Mistress. The submissive is told that they must be deferential, humble, obedient, respectful etc. at ALL times. The submissive is then given a list of objectives, requirements, things which that Dominant feels are important for the establishment of boundaries between the two of them. On the surface this all sounds wonderful.

However. In a real life and/or functioning full time relationship this type of construction causes problems. If you set up the relationship to only exist within these parameters then what you are creating is a cage. You are 'forcing' the existence of role or scene to occur at any time you are sharing the presence of each other. Initially this may seem to be exactly what you desire. You believe you require this totality of apparent commitment by the submissive.

However, as you move forward with the relationship you begin to feel stressed. Identifying the source or cause of this stress may be difficult. You may find your language becoming 'constrained' when you speak with your submissive. You may feel 'tight'. You may look at the relationship and to all extents and purposes it is perfect, exactly as you have created it to be. So, why are you feeling so trapped? You may find yourself exploring 'new' submissives, you may feel guilty, shamed, embarrassed and unhappy. You really like or love your submissive, what is happening?

One of the least visible aspects of a Dom/sub relationship is also something widely talked about but poorly understood. Exchange. Many people equate this to an exchange of power by the enforcement of roles (especially in scene). This exchange can be better understood as not an exchange of Power but an exchange of energy. By creating an artificial arena or environment, the 'forced' introduction of requirements, rules and boundaries you are also constructing the identical requirement, rules and boundaries for yourself. You become trapped within a performance role whenever you are with your submissive. Far from addressing your needs as a Dominant the relationship now becomes an exercise in assumption of role regardless of where you are at the moment.

By requiring your submissive to be submissive at all times when around you, you are also requiring yourself to be dominant at all times. This inevitably becomes a burden, stressing both mentally and physically. It can go to the extreme of driving the Dominant to 'avoid' their submissive. They may find it impossible to explain what is 'wrong' to their submissive because that submissive has 'obeyed' them to the letter. The flaw was within their perception of what a viable D/s relationship should be like, not in the submissiveness execution of the Dominant's desire. How does a Dominant undo such a thing without losing the respect of their submissive? This phenomenon is sometimes called Dom Drop. The requirement to sustain role at all times drains the Dominants energy reserves, when they exit the immediate proximity of their submissive they feel depleted and sometimes even physically ill.

There is another aspect which I also need to talk about. Many submissives 'feed' on the energy of the Dominant. A great submissive/Dominant relationship 'passes' or 'exchanges' energy. However, especially in new Dom's and subs there tends to be a more focused need emanating from the submissive. The submissive wants to experience everything they have imagined inside of them. To bring this into fruition they launch themselves at the Dominant in full submissive regalia. Only too eager to trigger that Dominant response which feeds their needs. They are only too happy to call the dominant an honorific title, abase themselves and follow directions. They cling to these rules like leeches. To a large extent their submissive response forces or attempts to force the Dominant into Domming them. For those in casual relationships, occasional meetings, phone or cyber this type of incessant role playing may be viable. For those seeking real life or a more full time interaction this kind of relationship seldom works.

I sometimes explain it this way. I am a Domina all the time for it is simply an overt part of my nature but I am not dominating all the time. It is essential that all aspects and parts of my personality live. That means my vulnerability, my need to cuddle, my desire to laugh, to dance with my man, to do dishes and vacuum, whatever it is that pleases me and brings me fulfillment and joy in my life. all are part of me, integral and necessary for me to feel whole and healthy. There are no rules which say you as a Dominant must do this, that or the other. You are unique.

To address Dom Drop in my own life it became necessary to view my primary relationship in other terms. It is my desire to control when and where I turn on (or become 110% Domina). To accomplish this the most simply I elected to construct my relationship with an ON/OFF switch. When I am with my partner we are both in neutral space. This allows open flowing conversation, debate, humor, the sharing of ideas, doing things together etc. When I feel a desire to engage or take control then I do so. I may do this physically by touch or verbally by shifting from neutral language where I use his proper name to 'scene' language where I use my chosen 'private' name for him. This simple construction is quite effective. It blockades the submissives potential desire to 'force' me into role, it negates the building of stresses by offering open exchanges of conversation and at the same time allows me total control over when and where I exercise my nature to its fullest. I do not experience an energy 'rape' as I have found over the years that my Domina 'rises' with my energy. Therefore when I am 'engaging' my partner I am 'full', needing to pass energy to my partner.

A submissive experiencing a Dominant in Dom Drop may find a sudden withdrawal coupled to a unsubstantive reason for the detachment or withdrawal. The submissive may go into a panic or 'frenzy' bombarding that Dominant with gifts, cards, flowers, phone calls...etc. Each of these will compound the problem and make it worse, adding stress to the Dominant. These are demands for attention that the Dominant is simply unable to give at that time. That inability can be driven to the point of a complete severance of the relationship in order for the Dominant to 'retain face' or their internal image of themselves.

A new submissive should consider the act of alleviating the stresses of the Dominant as a priority in their life. Learning to be patient and await the natural waves of energy that all of us produce is something that makes more experienced submissives such a joy to be around. A submissive should seek to blend seamlessly into their Dominant's life, sharing in that 'excess' of Dom energy when it is available and 'feeding' their Dominant with ease of spirit when that Dominant is low on energy.