Honesty in the Leather, SM, and Fetish Lifestyles

by Master Ron K.

From The Leather Journal Issue 56

The last article I wrote about "Mental and Emotional Stability in the Leather, SM or Fetish Lifestyles." In that article I discussed how mental and emotional stability can be viewed in regard "Safety" and "Sanity." This article I am going to discuss how mental and emotional stability affect our ability to be honest with ourselves and others, and in turn how that can affect our ability to give and receive informed consent. I firmly believe that it is always each individual's responsibility to decide how they are going to deal with issues. So when reading this article remember, my opinions are just that, MY OPINIONS; you have the responsibility to form your own opinions and live with the results.

Honest Defined
Okay, let's start by defining the word honest. I know this seems a bit redundant, but not everyone has the same understanding of what the word honest means. For this essay to have any communicative validity, we must all understand and be using the same definition for the word honest.

From Funk & Wagnall's' STANDARD DESK DICTIONARY:
honest: 1. Not given to lying, cheating, stealing, etc. 2. Not characterized by falsehood or intent to mislead: an honest statement. 3. Giving or having full worth or value. 4. Performed or earned in a conscientious manner. 5. Sincere; frank.

"Not given to lying cheating, stealing, etc."
In other essays on the Leather Lifestyle that I have read, the authors have said the leatherfolk do not lie, cheat, or steal from one another. For a beginning point of view, this is a good place to start. Of the three, stealing is the easiest to discuss. Simply put, leatherfolk do not take things that are not our property. This is easy to say, because those people who hang around leatherfolk who do steal are not really leatherfolk, are they? Okay, I know that wasn't fair, but it is true.

Unfortunately, all of the people we run into are not leatherfolk, even though they call themselves leatherfolk. Why these people hang around and why they feel the need to steal is beyond me, but they are there and we need to be aware of it. Cheating is just about the same as stealing, in my opinion. There are just as many people out there who are going to try to cheat you as there are going to try to steal from you.

Lying is a bit more difficult to define. To me, lying is not only the deliberate telling of a falsehood, it is avoiding answering a question with the whole truth or the omission of information that would cause the answer to a question to be seen in a different light. Avoidance of answers is often justified by individuals who do so as a way of sparing someone hurt feelings, etc. Omission is often claimed to be justified for the same reason. Personally, I have never thought either could be justified at all. Lying is lying and there is no way to justify it, whether it is to others or to ourselves.

"Not characterized by falsehood or intent to mislead"
It is my belief that this part of the definition of honest mostly applies to negotiation of and consent to SM play. If the information that is being communicated between Top and bottom is tainted, then the consent to play is also tainted. In my experience, there generally is not a deliberate intent to mislead or make false statements. Be warned, there are people out there who will deliberately make false statements with the intent to mislead and you need to be on your guard for them. Because they exist, it is in your best interests to take responsibility for your safety by checking references or arranging for your first few play scenes to be in a safe space around people you trust.

Most often, when misleading statements appear it seems to be in the area of unspoken expectations for either the Top or the bottom, or in uncommunicated known limits, or known desires. From what I have been able to discern, it appears that it is subconscious fears or insecurities that cause these falsehoods and misleading statements to creep in. The more emotionally and mentally stable a Top or bottom is, the less likely that these subconscious misrepresentations are going to creep into communications. Tops and bottoms who are mentally and emotionally stable are also more likely to question statements when they are unsure of the exact meaning, which leads to more precise negotiations as well.

"Giving or having full worth or value."
This particular part of the definition of honest is very interesting to me. For me, it applies directly to the dynamic that is established when I enter a relationship with someone. For our relationship to have full worth or value, I and my partner(s) must be giving our A to the relationship. Regardless of whether our relationship is based on SM play only, or extends into our everyday life as friends or lovers, nothing can be hidden or held back. Communication is and will always be the best way to build better relationships.

Before I enter an SM relationship with someone, I spend a lot of time getting to know their likes and dislikes, their personality, and how they think and feel about many different issues besides SM. Once I do this, I get greater value from my relationship with a person. To get this information from my potential partners, I give of myself freely to my potential partners. In this giving of ourselves, both my partners and I are sharing our full value or worth.

Performed or earned in a conscientious manner
This part of the definition is part and parcel of the explanation that I use when trying to describe the nature of the Top/bottom relationship. Tops earn the trust and respect of their bottoms by being conscientious, and a big part of that is honesty. Bottoms earn and maintain their position by performing their duties in a conscientious manner.

Sincere; Frank
For me, this is one of the areas that I find most difficult to deal with in my relationships. What each of us considers as being sincere or frank differs so much it can often be an area of confusion. I think of sincerity and frankness as the communication of accurate information without regard for the effect that information may have. For me, this prevents game-playing and guess-work. Others consider this rude, crude, and socially unacceptable behavior. Each of us must decide for ourselves exactly what we consider appropriately sincere and frank for ourselves and then take the necessary steps to communicate our expectations to our partners.

To provide for the potential of completely frank communication, if a person asks me a question and I think they may have trouble dealing with the answer, I will ask them if they are sure they want the answer to their question. If they say "no", their question is withdrawn. If they say "yes", I will answer the question honestly. After taking the time to ensure that they truly want the answer, if they have a problem with my answer (i.e., their feelings are hurt), it is their responsibility to deal with their problems themselves. I do not consent to taking responsibility for other people's mental status, and I won't allow others to put me in a situation where I am being forced nonconsensually to do anything. Each of us must stand up and take responsibility for ourselves and our interactions with others.

How does honesty apply to our lifestyles?
To be blunt, being honest, or honesty, is the cornerstone for our lifestyle. Without our having the ability to be honest with ourselves first, then with those with whom we associate, nothing that we do can really be "Safe, Sane, and Consensual". Being honest is not just something we can do when we are trying to negotiate a scene, or to establish a relationship with a single individual. Being honest is something that must, by its very nature, be integrated into everything that we do in our lives. I know this sounds a bit rigid, but in my own experience, I have found that people who are willing to be dishonest in one area of their lives are just as willing to be dishonest in other areas of their lives if it serves their purpose.

There is no room in our lifestyle for people that cannot be relied upon to be honest about everything they are involved in. Don't just sit there and wonder who I am to say the above, think about it. Are you willing to put your health, mental and physical, safety, life, etc., into the hands of someone you don't trust or who has demonstrated in some part of their life that they are not honest? I didn't think so, so let's call it like it is. People who are dishonest are not welcome; they are intruders and have the potential for doing great harm to our community. These are the people who will hurt our community the most in the long run if we do not actively discourage their dishonest behavior.

Honesty is a small price to pay for the pleasures we receive when participating in the Leather, SM, and Fetish lifestyle. A person who is not mentally or emotionally stable enough to be honest, as a part of their everyday lifestyle should probably consider not becoming involved our lifestyle. At the least, they should wait until they have learned the skills they need to be able to meet this basic standard of honest behavior. For them to do anything less is, in my opinion, fool hardy.

Worse, for us to help them avoid responsibility for their stability by tolerating their dishonesty is stupid and damaging to our style of loving. We are, of course, all individuals, and we all have our own style and personality. I am not advocating that this should change. I am, however, advocating for us to all pick up the challenge that our society has laid before us and include as the very basis for everything we do, honesty.

One of the interesting things that I find when interacting with leatherfolk is the number of times rumors are discussed and how these rumors are spread. Yet, generally, no one approaches the person whom the rumor is about either with the rumor, or to ask if it is true. WHY? Is this rumor-mongering an honorable thing? Is this helping our community by fostering honest and open dialogue amongst our community's members? I think not. If you think not also, what exactly are you willing to do about it? Are you willing to stand up and say that this is bullshit? Are you willing to approach the persons involved to truly find out what has transpired if it is important to you? Most of all, are you willing to not pass the rumor on?

I know that one of the things I hear most from leatherfolk who do business with the leather community is how frustrating they find it to have dishonesty creep into the business relationships with their fellow leatherfolk. The complaints have ranged from bounced checks to out-and-out lying. What really is surprising is that if these dishonest people had just been honest in the first place, the people involved would have worked with them. Had these people been honorable, their reputations would have been enhanced instead of being damaged. Some of the complaints I have heard have been more complicated and have to deal with unspoken or unwritten agreements and expectations. Other complaints have been based in what I can only call "sour grapes", because one business decided it was in its best interest to establish a different business relationship and the loss of their business had an impact on their prior partner.

An interesting observance I've drawn in all of the situations above is that the parties involved could have been honest and up front. In each instance where I have heard complaints, it is obvious to me, as an uninvolved party, that at the very minimum, had each individual involved been up front about their expectations, the hurt feelings and intra-community bad-will would have been minimized. This would not have required much effort on everyone's part. It would have required each of the parties to trust that their counterparts would be honest as well. Each of the above examples comes out of our community. One would think honesty could have been taken as a given. Unfortunately, it was, and is, not so.

As individuals, we each need to ask ourselves if we are honest. We need to review our individual behavior and determine if we are living up to the basic requirements of our lifestyle. How many of us can really review our lives and our choices, then admit to our shortcomings on the honesty front? I try to, and I find myself frequently finding things that I could have handled differently.

How many of you have had someone you were interested in tell you that they were interested in you as well, promise to call, and then not call you as they promised? I know this has happened to me a few times and it hurts like hell when it does. It doesn't hurt because these people were not interested in me sexually; it hurts because they lied to me. It also hurts because, regardless of my sexual desires,

I try to make friends first, potential sexual partners later. It is this loss of potential friends that bothers me. I have had and have so many successful relationships with people that I will never be emotionally attracted to that started out as sexual attractions.

Honesty also affects how we negotiate for our sexual encounters. How many of us go out saying we are looking for a long-term relationship, when all we really want is a good fuck? It is a nice fantasy to say we're looking for that special relationship, but are we really? Are we willing to make the changes in our lives that are always required to make any relationship work? How many Tops out there are up front about all of their desires and are willing to not play when someone doesn't want to be involved in the things that make them happiest? How many bottoms do exactly the same thing, in reverse, just to get that attention they want from a Top?

How much does situation ethics (i.e., being willing to be dishonest in business) affect a person's ethics in play?

We say that we believe in "Safe, Sane, and Consensual" behavior, and that we would never do that which is not safe, not sane, or not consensual. We hear frequently enough about the Top who exceeded a bottom's limits, yet how many times do we hear about the bottom who did not tell their Top everything the Top needed to know about their limits and ended up in trouble because of it'! How many times is the former a result of the latter? Could this have been avoided with a little honesty? Was the scene that resulted from poor or dishonest communication from the Top or bottom actually consensual? More bluntly, didn't the dishonesty in the negotiation phase actually put one or the other of the parties involved in the situation of being taken advantage of nonconsensually?

Summary
As you can see, there are no easy answers on the issue of "Honesty in the Leather, SM, and Fetish Lifestyles. Mental and emotional stability are a basic requirement to give someone the ability to be completely honest with themselves and others. Where each of us choose to draw the line, and how we choose to implement honesty as a part of our lifestyle, is a question that each of us must deal with ourselves. The more open and honest we are, the stronger we will become as a community. It is my hope that you, the reader, will be moved to think about yourself and the relationships that you have with people from this view, if only briefly.