Praise, and Rewards

by Laura Goodwin

Dominant women who wish to better control their sub's behavior often make the mistake of looking for things in their behavior to criticize or punish, but this is not the best way. The most effective way to influence a sub to mold their behavior to suit you is with praise and rewards.

It's still the same old carrot-and-stick, but I want you to try putting the emphasis on the carrot.

People don't like complaints. People have a natural tendency to react to complaints and negative talk by withdrawing, emotionally and/or physically. When someone is complaining about you or something you did, the natural first reaction is defensive: your heart contracts, then begins to race. It's the old fight-or-flight response. People will withdraw, or they will fight: it's a natural reaction. There is a natural limit to how much negative feedback a person can tolerate, and be motivated by. The point of zero tolerance differs from person to person, but everybody has their limit. Once that limit is reached, you will find that criticism has ceased to be influential: the person will begin to discount your words and feelings. In short, they will tune you out, and at that point you have lost all power to influence them.

Contrast this with the effect of positive feedback, rewards, and praise. When you pay someone a genuine compliment, they are sometimes embarrassed, but in a good way. When you reward desirable behavior with praise or a treat, the recipient of this attention feels affirmed and enlarged. They not only feel appreciated, but their respect for you also grows. They also tend to want to please you more, partially because they want more praise. People usually love to be praised.

By praise, I don't mean empty words of flattery. I means seeing something you honestly like and commenting on it. Draw the person's attention to something they do that you like. If they have done you a good turn or just behaved as you hoped, acknowledge it with some gentle, approving words. Also, be aware that people are picky about what they like to be praised about. Some people don't like to be praised about their appearance, but instead really love to be rewarded for something special that they said or did. Try to fit your praise to the person.

I realize that this can be a frightfully difficult thing to do. It's a tricky habit to establish, but take it in small steps.

Most people have had enough criticism and hard knocks in their life, but very few of us ever get enough praise. Hugs, kisses, and other positive caresses also are something that every human craves. It's built right into our human nature. The need for erotic recognition is very high in adult humans, and males in particular are very motivated by sexual rewards and gestures, because sex is hugely important to men. It's important to women too, but of the top ten most important things, sex might rank third with most men, whereas with most women it might rank in sixth place, or lower.

The praise and reward system you, as a dominant, employ has to be tailored for your particular situation and sub. You are unique, in a unique relationship with a unique person. Only you really know what you need from your sub, and only you and your sub knows what your sub likes and needs. The details must be up to the two of you to work out.

Let's assume you are not trying to turn the heart of a hardened enemy, but instead are trying to get on a good foot with a new acquaintance. This is the easiest time to establish a good habit in your young relationship. Simply pay your charmer a compliment, and be sincere. If they do anything you like, make eye contact, smile and nod approval, and/or add a couple of approving words, like "Beautiful!" or "Nicely done!". If things are moving along well, a touch, a caress of some kind may be appropriate, and might even be most welcomed.

Many of us are dealing with masochistic partners who crave pain and humiliation. They might get an erotic charge out of being cussed at or dressed down verbally. In a case like that certain types of slaps, spanks, or magical phrases might be most appreciated - but of course you can't always resort to these. In public among vanillas, for example, you will have to be content with more conventional gestures. You can devise a gesture with a secret meaning that only you two understand, and use that gesture when in situations of that type.

For those of you who are in well-established, long-term relationships, the need for regular praise and rewards is very high. It's highly likely that you have settled into a groove, or what might be better termed a rut, and the pernicious effects of the long-term doldrums is a constant threat to your domestic happiness. You have to fight boredom as if it is a mortal enemy.

People who are very successful at keeping their relationships fresh and vital over the long haul have tricks they use, and you might as well know what these tricks are, so you can use them too:

1. Be specific about your desires: Don't just say "I Love You", or "You're a good slave", be specific. Remind your partner of the specific things they say and do that you like, and smile or otherwise acknowledge it when they do those things. For example, don't say, "Thanks for everything you do" once a day, say specific things like "That was a delicious omelet you cooked" or "I love the way you are sucking my nipples, right now" several times a day. ;)

   Don't just say "Why aren't you more like how I want you to be?", be specific about what you want. For example, don't say, "I want you to pay more attention to me", say, "I want you to turn down the TV, look at me, and give me your full attention when I speak with you." Don't say, "I want you to be more affectionate", say, "I want you to sit next to me and hold my hand, right now."

2. Celebrate your successes. If they behave as you want and expect, don't take it for granted, make a big deal out of noticing it. For example, if they obey a new command without backtalk, smile, praise, and reward. That's why people celebrate their anniversary: to reward each other for still being together. It's a ceremonial way of once a year doing what you should (in a informal way) be doing every day, anyway. When something goes well for one of you, you should both rejoice over it, together.
3. Clean up old business. Work together to forgive mistakes. We are all imperfect, human creatures, and we all make mistakes. Acknowledge it if you have made a mistake, and do what you can to make amends. This is a vital part of the forgiveness process. If one of you have acknowledged your fault and repented, then the other should find it easy to forgive. If there is a pattern of bad behavior that doesn't change and no obvious effort is made to repair the fault, then forgiveness obviously can not flow. If however, forgiveness has been earned but not offered, this too can lead to deep resentment. You both must do your part, for healing to occur. Work together as a team to keep from stacking up grudges that can form a barrier between you.

It's worthwhile to take note of the way you talk to yourself in your imagination. If your internal dialog is critical, you can pull the reins in on that too, with similar techniques. Catch yourself doing something praiseworthy and silently thank yourself for doing a good thing. You are a worthwhile person, and it's good to know that, and to remind yourself of that fact now and then.

You will find that the easiest way to change another person is to change your own behavior. If you act different, your sub will respond differently. It takes tremendous self-discipline to establish a more positive way of relating, but if you do just a little of this every day, the benefits and successes accrue, and you can build on and expand those, bit by bit. Eventually you will reach a point where you can clearly see that you have made progress, so give it a good try, have faith, and be patient.

This essay and all site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 - 2002