Retraining a SAM

by Laura Goodwin

Acronym: SAM - "Smart Ass Masochist"

Because there is much confusion about what a SAM actually is, I feel I must preface my retraining article with my working definition, and an explanation, so you will see why it's important to discourage SAMmy behavior.

SAMs are masochists who don't know how to simply ask for what they want. Instead, they make a game of making people genuinely upset so that they will get punished.

SAMs are a big cause of guilt and hard feelings in the scene, and especially out of the scene. Just because you go off on them like they want you to doesn't mean they will praise you after. NO. Often they accuse their victims of being abusive, and try to make them take the whole blame for the reactions that they provoked.

There are psychological masochists who like to be verbally abused, and they have their SAM equivalent. You can see people like this trolling for abuse all over the net.

SAMs are often filled with self-loathing, and they deal with their guilt about their masochism by making themselves into victims and you into the bad guy.

Some SAMs are masterful manipulators. You will not simply be able to laugh off one of their onslaughts. They avoid tops who are phlegmatic and cool-tempered, and target the ones who are hot-blooded and short-tempered - on purpose. They specifically go for the ones with obvious problems like drug or drink addictions, like a wolf goes for the weakest deer in the herd.

A SAM is not a nice thing to be. SAMs don't negotiate their scenes. They work a person's nerves raw and provoke them to go off.

SAMs risk injury and death with their sad game. Many people don't react well to having their buttons pushed. Everybody has their human limit, and when your limit is reached a roar of rage will rise in your throat and you will not necessarily do the wisest thing.

The term SAM is commonly misused. Many people in the BDSM scene erroneously call themselves a SAM, like it's cute, like it's like calling yourself a pervert. Being a SAM is not like being an adorable "brat". Brats can be fun: SAMs are not. To be called a SAM is a straight up insult. People, please use the term correctly. It's only slang, but we still don't want it to become meaningless from misuse.

How to retrain a SAM

A SAM (smart ass masochist) is someone who tries to make you angry so you will punish him or her. They are very distressing to deal with. Some SAMs who crave public humiliation will think nothing of trying to provoke dungeon behavior at wildly inappropriate times, like at family weddings and funerals. They won't nicely negotiate a scene, they'll just try to piss you off, in hopes that you will simply go off.

Many SAMs are otherwise appealing people. It's possible to fall in love with a SAM, and *then* find out that you have a wild mustang on your hands. Some SAMs are truly incorrigible, and you should get them out of your life before they drive you to do something you'll regret. But most SAMs are simply masochists who have never been properly socialized and domesticated.

If your SAM really loves you, and you really love him or her, then there is hope. Love is a strong motivater, and may give you the extra stamina you will need to complete the campaign. You will need stamina, and a fixed vision of how things should be, because it can take months or years to retrain a true SAM. Their bad habits are often very deeply ingrained, and it takes a lot of unflagging effort to root them out.

Your SAM's annoying methods have worked rather well for him/her in the past, or he/she wouldn't have established the habit. It's now up to you to show that your ways are better. You have to show with action, because words alone are no damn good. They have to feel something happening, which means that punishing a SAM by simply telling them to go away for a day or a week will not be effective. A SAM is a masochist, and what they need is physical abuse, and often verbal abuse as well. If you satisfy their cravings only when they follow proper procedures, BUT if you always do it when they expect it and are anticipating it, then they will eventually realize that it's advantageous for them to do it your way.

Do not promise or threaten to punish and then fail to deliver. This will drive your SAM right back into their old SAMmy ways. Especially if they are expecting to be punished they will be terrifically frustrated if you don't follow through. You don't want your SAM to think that they can't rely on you. If they can't rely on you to be regular and predicable, then they will fall back on their own unpleasant methods, by default.

Step by step instructions for retraining that SAM you love:

1. Refuse to touch them if you are angry. Recognize your own anger and do not let it take over. Take a walk or otherwise get away from your SAM if necessary until you cool off.
2. Punish your SAM for the little things that bug you. The more trivial, the better. Don't wait for a big issue to find an excuse. If they failed to put the TP on the roll in the direction you prefer, if they left the soap soft-side up, if they changed the channel on the TV without checking with you first, spank them for it. This shows them that you are watching and that you will do something about misbehavior without any great effort on their part.
3. If they bring you a new toy to torture them with, act delighted and use it immediately. If they give you any gift or do anything at all that's designed to make you smile, reward them immediately. SAMs crave a reaction to their actions, so don't hesitate to show approval or to give them what they are explicitly asking for. The whole point of this is to teach them that when they ask for your attention, they will get it.
4. Surprise your SAM by volunteering to play, out of the blue. Don't wait for your boneheaded SAM to do the right thing and come courting. It ain't gonna happen, at least not at first. A SAM feels deeply conflicted about their masochistic desires, and they don't like admitting that they actually want to be hurt. They will have a very hard time learning to beg for the whip. You have to volunteer to whip them, and again NOT when you are angry and have a beef, but for no obvious reason at all. If they really aren't in the mood and they say they don't want to play, then take them at their word. Smile and say, "OK, well, let me know when you feel ready", and walk away as if you haven't a care in the world. Show your SAM that to you, "I don't wanna" MEANS "I don't wanna".
5. Give your SAM a paddle or a whip and say, "This is a magic object. If you bring this to me in your teeth, you will automatically get punished with it. I promise to stop everything, no matter what I am doing, and punish you, if you bring this to me in your teeth, like a cute little doggie." Then if he or she actually does it, keep your promise, and - THIS IS THE HARD PART - keep that promise even if they have chosen a time that seems wildly inappropriate to you. They may be testing you, or they may actually be so dumb that they don't realize it's a wildly inappropriate time. Just keep your promise. It's vitally important to give an immediate, expected reward to a SAM who is making the slightest effort to do the right thing.
6. Whenever your SAM actually pleases you, be lavish with praise. If verbal abuse is very highly valued by your SAM, cuss at them frequently. SAMs tend to be very emotional people who like it when your words and gestures are strong and dramatic. They like lots of personal attention, and will thrive and bloom if you never let up on them.

A SAM might seem insatiable at first, but they can get enough when they actually do get enough. They like strong emotions and strong sensations, so skip the subtlety, and let them have it. Your SAM will eventually stop acting needy, greedy for punishment, and disrespectfully provocative, and will become loving, obedient and a pleasure to know - and then they won't be a SAM any more. :)

This essay and all site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 - 2002