Rules for Beginning Doms

by Nostromo

Most dominant men complain about how difficult it is to find a submissive female. Almost every single submissive woman I have met in real life or online has complained about the shortage of good male Doms and say most of the "Doms" they meet are clueless jerks. Even some highly experienced and respected Doms that I have known for a dozen years or more can't seem to sustain relationships. It seems that many aspirant Doms don't get a few basic concepts that are necessary for establishing and maintaining a Dom/sub relationship, whether in real life or online. Consequently, as a public service, I offer some Rules for Beginning Doms.

Rule Number 1. Don't be a jerk. I'll explain, since so many guys don't seem to get this one. Many guys new to the scene (and quite a few who are not so new) work a little too hard at coming across as confident, assertive, masterful, whatever you want to call it. Too often, the result is that they end up sounding insecure, pretentious, presumptuous, arrogant or all of the above. When in doubt, tone it down. As one sub put it, "It was our first date, and I though he was really cute. I was thinking about kneeling to him. Then he said ‘On your knees, bitch'. I got up and left." You're better off being who you really are, even if you are inexperienced and full of uncertainty.

Rule Number 2. See Rule Number 1.

Rule Number 3. Be patient. BDSM is a journey. Many subs can't give themselves until they fully trust their dom. This takes time. Remember, being a sub can be scary, even for the most enthusiastic sub. If you push your heaviest, kinkiest fantasy too soon, you may be rebuffed and, what is worse, lose her trust. Don't propose that someone you've just met become your 24/7 slave. Although courtship can be a pain, the Dom/sub mating dance is not that different from the vanilla one. Try not to embarrass yourself by pushing the relationship too fast.

Rule Number 4. Pay attention. As a Dom, it is your responsibility to be attentive to what is going in in your sub's head. Not every scene works. If you don't catch on to the fact that it isn't working, you'll end up damaging or losing your sub.

Rule Number 5. Don't objectify your sub on the first date. Although we all remember the famous Pat Califia (or was it Suzy Bright) line, "I'm not just a person, I'm a piece of meat!", the reality is that you need to approach a sub as a person and think about her feelings. There is a time and place for objectification in BDSM relationships, but it should be approached very carefully, especially in the early stages of a relationship.

Rule Number 6. Be responsible. This rule has a couple of aspects. The physical aspect should be fairly obvious. If you haven't listened in on a safety demo online or in real life, try to do that. Otherwise, buy a book like "On the Safe Edge", which discusses BDSM safety issues. Most general BDSM books, like Molly Devon's "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns", contain discussions of safety. In addition to drastic things, like killing someone by having your rope bondage wrap around her neck, you can cause permanent harm in smaller ways, like damaging someone's ulnar nerve with too-tight wrist bondage (which can cause permanent numbness of the fingers). Incompetence is no excuse when it comes to physical safety. Almost as important, though, is the emotional safety of the sub. Although some subs enjoy the feeling of being abused, don't assume that this is true of your sub. It is your responsibility to make sure your sub isn't harmed emotionally by subbing to you. Use common sense. If someone is crying, take the time to figure out whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. If you're topping someone you don't know well, stop periodically to make sure she's all right.

Rule Number 7. Develop your character. To sustain a relationship with a sub, she needs to respect and admire you. That cannot happen if you do not respect yourself or otherwise do not have your act together. Being a Dom is not an excuse for self-centeredness.

Rule Number 8. Be humble. Submission to you is one of the most personal gifts that anyone can give. If you are the sort of person who can accept that gift gracefully and with recognition of its specialness, it is more likely to be offered.

Rule Number 9. Don't let rules 1 through 8 scare you. You are, after all, a dom. You have a right to your feelings. If you exhibit the qualities of patience, character, sensitivity, attentiveness and responsibility outlined about, any sub would be lucky to kneel to you. Don't be afraid to take risks (within the limits of physical and emotional safety). Be a leader for your sub. And, most of all, have fun!