Telling Someone They Are Not A Sub

Don't do it. There, that was simple. If only every piece was so easy to write.

OK, seeing as there are still some idiots who seem to do it, I guess I had better explain.

Subs Come In Many Different Flavors

There are as many different types of submissive as there are submissives: There are those who are in to total obedience, those who are in to being forced. There are those that love pain play and those that hate it. There are those that want to surrender everything and those that have very hard limits for a lot of good reasons you may not entirely understand yet. There are those... you get the point.

When someone who calls themselves a sub does not suit your style of Domination, that does not mean they are not a sub. All it means is that your style of Domination and their style of submission are not compatible. If that is a problem for you, explain that to them, accept it and stop trying to play. It does not mean they are not a submissive and it certainly does not give you the right to tell them that.

It Is Not Your Place

Being a Dominant or being a submissive is not about fitting in to a certain type of role. The only person who can decide if you are one or the other is yourself. Whatever you feel you are, that is what you are and it is certainly not for someone else, who does not know your own feelings so intimately, to dictate.

In exactly the same way no one else can tell you that you are or are not a Dom/me, you can not tell someone else that they are not a sub. There may be aspects of them that you are simply not bringing out. There may be just the slightest inklings of submission that are enough for them to recognize but not enough for you to spot. Attempting to tell them they are not submissive or not submissive enough only serves to expose you as lacking in those skills.

There are cases when Dom/mes masquerade as subs. They like to be impossible subs so they can 'beat' others who are openly Dominant in to submission. Even in these cases, there are people who enjoy the complimentary role and that is fair enough - just because something is not your kink, it is not necessarily wrong. Granted, you may find it abusive and non-consensual. You are entirely entitled to explain that that is how you find them and you are not prepared to be a part of it. Even so, they still know their feelings better than you and there may be some tiny part that you are missing.

The moral is, no matter how clear-cut the case may appear, there may still be something you are missing.

It Is Abusive

To be fair, most cases of someone telling someone else that they are not submissive have nothing to do with different perspectives or not knowing the full picture.

Far and away the most common reason I see for submissives being told they are not submissives is because Dom/mes want them to do something that they will not consent to. In an effort to force them, they attempt to tell them that to not do so makes them not submissive.

This is total and utter abuse of your position as a Dominant. A submissive is putting their trust in you and you are lying, attacking who they are [unfairly], in an attempt to force non-consensual play. In a single act you have done almost everything that is possible to do wrong within the scene.

There is not a lot that is outright wrong in the scene. Everyone has their own different definitions. What works for one person may not for another. Even so, lying and abusing consent are universally accepted as wrong. If you tell someone they are not a submissive in an attempt to bully an act, congratulations, you are NOT a Dom/me. Submissives that you try this with can at least take heart in the fact that, as you are blatantly not a Dom/me, what the hell would you know anyway?

You Come Across As An Idiot

All of the reasons given above explain why it is never acceptable. The vast majority of Dom/mes quickly figure this out and will never do it.

Those that try it quickly get known for doing so. For all of the above reasons, they are regarded at the very least as an idiot. More so, a Dom/me who is known for trying this kind of abuse will usually find themselves ostracized from their scene communities with everyone new to the area warned about them.

Even if you are relentlessly stupid enough to fail to understand why it is unacceptable, do you really want to do something that will result in never finding another sub?

Telling Someone They Are Not A Dom/me

Finally, it is worth noting that all of the reasons that hold true for why it is not acceptable to tell someone they are not a sub hold equally true for why it is not acceptable to tell someone they are not a Dom/me.

Sadly, both Dom/mes and subs do still try this. Often it is through misunderstanding, lack of experience on their part or an attempt to bully (there are sadly no end of Dom/mes who think bullying is the same as Dominance and therefore doing so makes them more Domly). Whatever the reasons, it is just as unacceptable, just as invalid and deserves just as much contempt as attempting it with a sub.

SoulThief