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Safety Rules for First Meeting Table of Contents
This is part of a comprehensive training program for Submissives and Dominants. The program is designed not only to introduce the sensual aspects of D/s but also explores those other important areas as establishing trust, safety rules that apply to the initial Real Time (RT) meeting of a Dom and a Submissive. The relationship between a dominant and a true submissive is both complex and rewarding for both partners. To be successful a D&S relationship must be based on mutual trust and respect. The dominant must be completely trustworthy and respect the needs and desires of their submissives. The submissive partner must respect and trust the dominant to accept without reservation the training, guidance, encouragement, and appropriate correction of undesirable behavior. The title "Master" must be earned and the title "slave" be respected. Never forget... As part of the D/s relationship, the submissive submits to the direction of the "Master" and in doing so, creates a potential for abuse and unsafe behavior on the part of the Dominant partner. Unfortunately, there are among us people, those who claim to be experienced dominants who are in reality sadistic abusers who betray the trust and inflict pain and punishment far beyond the limits of the submissive. That is why the initial meetings between Dominants and new submissives must have stringently enforced safety rules. Listed below are the initial safety rules for new submissives. I offer them to all because I believe them to be very important. Please feel free to pass this document on to anyone who is planning to experience a real time relationship for the first time.
Meet your potential dominant partner in a public place. The first meeting is strictly social and a getting acquainted opportunity. This should be made very clear at the outset, and any effort by the dominant partner to "seduce" the submissive should be seen as an act of bad faith and indication of a lack of trust worthiness.
A trusted person should know about the schedule of the meeting and should be called at an appointed time at the end of the meeting to confirm that all has gone well. [Malo's addendum; you and your "safe call person" should both have specific information about the person you are meeting should you turn up missing or late. This should include a verified working phone number and other confirmed specific information that an above board and honest person would be willing to share with you without hesitation, even if they prefer to remain private in their kink. NEVER get in their vehicle on the first meeting no matter how charming or what the problem might be with your own transportation.]
If the dominant partner passes the initial screening, a second meeting can be arranged. This meeting is designed to initially establish a sensual relationship. But the limits imposed on this meeting are absolute. The limits are as follows: The submissive will in no way be physically immobilized, Real bondage of any kind will not be allowed during the first meeting.
A safety system will be established. It requiring a periodic phone call (usually once every hour on the hour) to a safety monitor (friend) who knows the location of the meeting and is prepared to notify the police and the hotel should the call be more than 10 minutes overdue.
There will be established series of code words that are imbedded in the safety calls that verifies to the friend that all is well or warns of trouble. These are sometimes referred to as "silent alarms".
The submissive must call the Safety monitor when she or he has left the presence of the dominant and is well away from the meeting place. A code word will also be used to confirm that all is well. In any D/s relationship, the dominant partner must assume the responsibility for the safety of the submissive partner. If the dominant partner is not willing to accept the rules as stated above, then it is clear that the dominant partner is not willing to accept that responsibility, and protect the well being of the submissive. Never forget, submission to a partner is the greatest gift one person can give to another. But that gift must be earned and it can only be given in an environment of trust, respect and caring. Without that environment, the gift will not be valued and a very dangerous situation is created. D/s is a wonderful and exciting life style, and with a little care and planning it can be safe as well. Have fun my friends, and be safe!!
The following section is a compilation of writing posted to IMH by LadyScream. While some of this material has already been covered, some is new. As with any SAFETY issue, the individual cannot be exposed to too much information. You are encouraged to read this material and use the information in your best judgment. Class #1 - On-line D/s Even in our little AOL world, there is danger. For all new Doms and subs alike, here are a few standard rules to make your transition into on-line D/s a safer, happier one You do not have to answer ever IM (Instant Message) that you get. Should you get one that is vulgar, rude or harassing, simply use the cancel button, or send it to TOS (Terms of Service). Even if you are a new sub and the IM is from an "on-line Dominant", no one has to take abuse Do some reading ! The fact that you're here in IMH is a good start! But there are many good books about D/s on the market. Doing your homework can really pay off. When you make your first few forays into the chat rooms, don't announce in the open room who you are and what you're looking for. That is a magnet for anyone out there looking for quick and easy cyber-sex. If you're seriously looking for friends, contacts and possible partners, be discreet. Read profiles. IM respectfully to people who interest you. Make polite conversation in the room. Show respect, and you'll earn it in kind There are 3 main "Le Chateau" rooms on the AOL Member Room List. These are Le Chateau, Le Chateau Dungeon and Beginner's Dungeon. Each of these rooms has a different personality. Try them all, and see which one fits you best. ( ed. note: Chateau Serenity has been created subsequent to this writing) NEVER give your real name, phone number, credit card information or any other personal information to ANYONE you've just begun to talk to on-line. Get to know someone over time before revealing anything of importance!! First names are sufficient in the beginning. When approached by a potential partner, ask questions !! Get to know the person as well as on-line will allow, and then very discreetly, ask around for references about that person. Please heed any warnings you may receive about an individual, but be sure you ask for more than one opinion. If you cannot find anyone on-line who will vouch for this potential partner either way, please proceed very slowly. Remember that on-line is no different than real life. Make them earn your trust. Always be aware that this forum of communication harbors unsavory characters, just as any other. And also be aware that people may not always be who they appear, or claim to be. If you proceed at a cautious rate, you'll save yourself some possible heartache down the road.
PHONE CALLS: If someone wishes to speak with you, and you aren't entirely trusting of them yet, offer to call them instead of giving your number out. You can disable any possible Called-ID function they have by punching in the disable code (check your phone book information pages, or call your phone company). Keep your first conversation brief and friendly. If you still harbor doubts at the end of this, continue to call them. Never go against your instincts - they are your most valuable resource. If they demand' your number and you've respectfully and repeatedly told them no, perhaps it's time to close that particular door. Even if you live close to someone you meet on-line, it's not a good idea to move into meeting them too quickly. Take your time in getting to know them, speak several times on the phone, and if you do agree to meet, set it up at a public place, and take a friend along. A serious potential partner won't mind.
Class #2 - First Time Meetings There are many ways to meet potential D/s partners. AOL and classified ads are only two of these ways. First time meetings always require a little extra security and safety. Here are some simple rules for those awkward first encounters.
SAFE CALLS: There are many ideas out there about how safe calls should be done, but I'll only offer you my humble opinion, and what has worked for me in the past. Let 2 friends, preferably local to where you'll be meeting, know your complete schedule. Give them the full name of the person you'll be meeting, their phone number and a brief physical description. You can even go so far as to give them the make, model and plate number of the car your date will be driving. Make sure that your friends have an accurate description of you, as well, and the phone number of the local police. Arrange to call these 2 friends immediately after you've met your date. Give them a key word' beforehand, that you can say if you need to get away from your date - for example, you could say that everything is (great) if you need help, or that everything is (wonderful) if you're okay. Your safe calls should arrange to come get you, or give you some sort of out if you use your keyword. If you'll be spending more than a few hours with your date, it's a good idea to call your safe calls every few hours, at least at first. Be honest with your date. If you feel, after this first meeting, that this person is not someone you want to be involved with, be honest and upfront about that. It's not necessarily a good idea to do this at your first meeting. Go home, sleep on it. And then arrange to speak to this person the next day. Remember, your instincts are your most valuable resource. Have a good time. Be yourself. But most importantly, be SAFE and be HONEST - with your date, and with yourself.
Class #3 - First Scene Safety It's always a good idea to get to know someone very well before committing yourself to play time. It's also a good idea to think long and hard about what you expect, and then lay that out for the other person clearly beforehand. It's also a good idea to list out your limits (yes, Doms have limits, too !!) And exchange them well in advance of your first scene.
SAFE CALLS: See Item #5 from Lesson #2. If you plan to play at your new partner's home, make sure your safe call has the address, the phone number and a clear map and directions to the home. If you plan to play at your home, do NOT turn off your phone, and make sure you have the number of the ambulance, local police and a contact posted by each phone, in case of any emergency. Secure any valuables before your partner arrives. If you plan to play at a motel, or a third parties' home, make sure your safe call knows exactly where you'll be. If in a motel, make sure they have the room number, and the name the room is registered under. It's also a good idea to keep your keys and purse or wallet by the door, so you can grab them quickly if need be. It's a good idea to keep your first scene light. I do not recommend bondage, gags or extreme pain for your first scene with a new partner. There's plenty of other activities you can use to get to know each other's likes and dislikes. Besides, if it works out, you'll want to save something for later <g>
SAFEWORDS: You should chose and discuss safewords and/or actions well in advance of your first meeting. My recommendations are something very simple, such as yellow for slow down, and red for stop. Never play around with these words - they are your protection, and your safety net, and should only be used when you mean them.
SAFE SEX: I don't think anyone needs to be reminded about this, but I'll throw it in anyway. Both parties should posses condoms, in case one forgets. It only takes a few seconds to slip on a condom. It's takes a long and painful time to die of AIDS If, at any point, either party is feeling uncomfortable, S T O P !!!!! Dress. Talk. And then talk some more. It takes a lot of trust to have a meaningful D/s relationship. Take the time to build that foundation.
Class #4 - Emotional Safety No, pain is not all physical. Sometimes, it's in your head and your heart as well, and sometimes, those scars are the hardest to heal. Here are some tips to lessen your chances of getting them in the first place. Be honest. With yourself. With prospective partners. Never be ashamed to admit you don't know something, or to ask questions. If you're looking for 24/7, don't tell someone you only want to play. If you're looking for love and romance, be upfront about it. If you are dishonest about what you want, it's not only you who could get hurt in the long run. Never reveal too much about your personal life to anyone on-line. There are too many people who'll use your heartaches and problems for hot IM gossip. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Your instincts, once again, are your greatest gift and resource. Use them, and listen to them.
Heed warnings. If you're told by more than one person that a prospective partner could be trouble, LISTEN. Take into account that it's someone else's opinion of someone you're getting to know, but always listen, and openly ask your partner about what you hear. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide if you believe everything you hear, but always hear what someone is trying to tell you, and always, check it out. If a prospective partner asks you not to ask anyone else on-line about them, ask yourself why. Then ask them why. And if you can't come up with any satisfactory answers, either walk away, or proceed with EXTREME caution. If a prospective partner is hesitant with personal information after you've already given yours, then take it as a warning. FIND OUT WHY!!! Don't get dragged into on-line gossip. It may be fun for awhile, but eventually it will only come back to haunt you. There are people on-line who have nothing better to do. Don't become one of them. Think for yourself. Trust yourself. Be honest with yourself. And above all, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. © Copyright 1995 TheScreamer |
