From
OF INTEREST TO NEWBIES

Newbie's Letter & Response

A Collaborative Effort on behalf of
TIES, MSDB, Beats-Me, Atons, Knights of Leather, et. al.

Minnesota, USA July, 2000

THE "NEWBIE'S" LETTER

Sir,

Good evening, hope this message finds you in good health and surrounded with happiness.

I recently requested some help from Mistress Lynn. We had chatted several times online and I was very much impressed with her knowledge and style. She did advise me that you were well qualified and that you might possibly be willing to assist me.

I was wondering if you could perhaps give a newbie Dom a little guidance in the training of his newbie sub Of the books I've read much is covered concerning the lifestyle, the tools of the trade and the creation of scenes... but nothing about training. And of course being new I can speculate as to what training might be, but would rather ask for help and be sure. However knowing that life can be hectic at times I can understand if you are unable to help in this matter.

In general I wonder exactly what type of things is usually covered in training, what do I train her to do or not to do Is it strictly what I define or are there general guidelines... or subbie rules that must be taught... No fair laughing (at least not too loudly) at these newbie questions.

A little background on us, we have been in a long term relationship (15 years) and have experimented with D/s for 14.5 years of it, only we didn't know that's what it was called. We have been actively studying the lifestyle by reading (The Loving Dominant, Learning the Ropes, Sensuous Magic and Different Loving... have the Topping and The Bottoming books on order) we have also attended one D/s party (looking forward to many more) and of course the better rooms on AOL. My Sub, is also an AOL member and we usually try to get online together one or two nights a week, the relationship is R/T though. If you desire, feel free to IM or Email either or both of us.

Thanking you in advance and eagerly waiting your response... wishing you and yours a wonderful day.

Respectfully Yours,

A "Newbie" Dom

THE ANSWER TO THE "NEWBIE"

I'm happy to assist in any way I can. I've seen your submissive on line from time to time; although I don't know either of you, Lynn is one of those I have great respect for, and I am honored that she's thought of me. Please forgive the length of this document; I want to address your query as fully as I am able.

First off, bear in mind that what I have to say is ONLY my opinion. I am convinced that there are as many paths to happiness as there are people, and you should filter my words and come to your own conclusions. You're the only ones who can find the path that's right for you.

I've been involved in D/s for 19 years (this month in fact!), but like you I didn't even realize what it was for a good long time. I found others in the scene locally in the early 80s and started getting the vocabulary to express what I'd been doing, and learn more, but only after I'd been at it for more than 5 years. I don't think your experience is uncommon, and after nearly 15 years of experimentation, you're hardly a newbie.

It's a sad fact that most of those you'll meet on line, probably 95% or more, are dreamers. There are plenty of opinions put forth as fact by people who've never held or felt a crop or paddle, never tied a knot in more than a shoelace. Of the hundreds of people I've met on line, I respect the opinions of maybe a dozen. There are perhaps 20 more that I am reasonably convinced are r/t... fiction abounds on line. Be aware of this, and get many opinions. Question what doesn't make sense. In the end, you decide.

With all that out of the way, on to your specific question

"Training" is a nebulous thing. Some people in D/s base. Their lifestyle around works of literature, often the Beauty trilogy or the Gor books. Gor in particular has training specifics in terms of postures and whatnot that the sub must learn. That's okay if it captures your imagination.

On line, some seem to feel that training is synonymous with the relationship. That if you've been playing, you have in fact been training; I think there's something to that. Finding one's limits, expressing one's desires, the expectation of one's needs being met... in away, we are always learning from each other, and training is as good a word as any to describe this process.

I have not done formal "training" of any subs. At the same time, I have been complimented by other Doms on how well I have trained these same subs. This strikes me as quite a dichotomy, and one that I've given a great deal of thought to.

When I say I haven't done formal training, I mean that there is no syllabus, no structure that I follow. In this way I differ from the Goreans. I know what will please me; I know that each person brings me their individuality, that I will find some things pleasing and others less so. My role in the relationship is to help the submissive find herself, find her true needs. This isn't a simple matter; often, especially with a sub who has little prior experience, what she thinks she wants may actually be quite far from the mark. It's a mixture of psychology, thoughtful questioning, self-examination, and improvisation that reveals to me the areas in which I can help the sub achieve her desires, and find the areas in which she may improve in pleasing me.

Once I've first discovered what I want (which continues to evolve over tune), and have identified what the sub truly desires, then I can address what's needed. I don't do this in a formal manner; it's wrapped up in the whole fabric of the relationship.

Addressing the shortcomings seems to require a few things: first, active communication. I need to express what it is that I want from her. The grounds are an open field; I have addressed habits (smoking, weight control, etc.), mannerisms, speech, sexual practices, and postures - although as I have mentioned I do not follow the multitude of positions that the Goreans do, there are still a couple that I will instruct a sub to do from time to time, most often an inspection pose... but you'll find what works for you.

Often, simple expression of my desire is enough to achieve my end, and the "training" on that item is then complete. But at times, further steps are needed.

If I have expressed a desire, and the sub has not responded, my first assumption is ALWAYS that it is my fault. Somehow, what I expressed was not fully understood. Active communication follows again. I question her, discover what she interpreted, and why. I expound on what I expect, and why. You'll learn a lot about how you really communicate through this process. We may brainstorm ways to assist her in achieving what I want. I may direct her to other resources: other subs, perhaps, or things to read, or (increasingly) websites.

A repeated failure shows me that something is wrong. Now it is no longer an issue of communication, and the process I follow changes. Another discussion ensues; at which time I will add incentives. There will be positive outcomes for following my instructions, and negative ones if they are disregarded. The praise and punishment factors here are very similar to those in training a pet.

It's important, I think, that punishments involved in achieving behavioral change be repugnant to the sub in some way. Some folks like SAMs... I don't. If I want a behavior established, it is NOT a prelude to play punishment. The discipline is very real. A couple of other points about the way I incorporate discipline into these matters: first, it must fit the "crime". I don't go overboard for small things, nor do I treat big ones lightly. A repeat of undesirable behavior will generate a sterner response than the transgression before did. Second, each punishment is unique. I don't do the same thing twice. Only in rare cases will I spell out the punishment in advance; usually I will just drop hints. The 'not knowing' what the consequences will be can be a powerful tool, particularly as the sub recalls past punishments. This requires a fair amount of effort and creativity; however, the relationship should be worth the investment.

One more word on administering punishment: when it is needed, I first explain the reason for it. I next explain what the punishment will be. There is a brief discussion, followed by administering the punishment. On rare occasions, I discover during the discussion that the sub had valid reasons for her behavior. Then we talk some more, and try to resolve the issues. I do not punish if her failure was a result of trying to please me somehow... that has happened, but rarely. In those cases, more explicit instruction is needed from me.

I also find that I need to discipline very infrequently. A good sub's desire is to be pleasing. As it's not involuntary servitude, half the battle is already won. If I find that I am disciplining a sub frequently... say, more than once every 6 or 8 weeks... then there may be something wrong with the dynamics of the relationship, and active communication is again needed. If I truly desire something that she truly can't meet, I need to assess the relationship from many points of view, including whether she will maintain respect for me if I drop the issue. It's a thorny problem, and I choose carefully what I wish to "train", for the risks to the relationship are very high if the lesson is not learned.

The praise side of training is also always a surprise; for the sub. She knows good things will come if she pleases me; hopefully I know her well enough to make these very good things indeed. This also helps to keep a relationship fresh, in my opinion.

One final thing to address on the praise/punishment aspect: I have been involved with a sub who craved "punishment". What to do in such a case I don't like SAMs... don't want one, probably never will. How to meet her needs without having her actually misbehave was an interesting puzzle for us. In the end, we decided on a key phrase: "Sir, I've been a bad girl....". This was our signal that the confession which followed would be a sham, and the punishment which ensued would be a spanking or other discipline that falls under the "play" heading for us - an actual discipline applied as punishment is NEVER something the sub will enjoy.

As far as the subbie "rules" go, I've seen a few of the lists bandied about. The subs that I've had have had rules to follow, but I've determined them. They evolve over time. I don't put down those who wish to follow Gor, or a list of rules they find, but for myself, my lifestyle is what I determine. I'm much happier following my own heart than trying to fit my desires into a 'canned' version of D/s. I recognize that this may not be true for all. Do what pleases you.

I don't know if this will help your or confuse you on the issue of training. But my advice would be to figure out what you want from each other and talk. Talk a lot. There is a vast universe of experience available to you, and the exploration is a wonderful adventure. Figure out what behavior appeals to you, and determine together how to make it reality. Use as many sources as you can; if postures appeal to you, read the Gorean stuff', or the Kama Sutra, or whatever; take what good you find from wherever you encounter it, but never feel you have to take all of something.

Also, in my view, the role of Dom can at times be threatening and throttle the creativity from the sub's perspective. I have learned some of what I like because I've found it through my imagination or self-examination, but a lot more of what I like I've found accidentally. Encourage experimentation with each other. Serendipity is a wonderful thing, and you'll both learn a lot by trying new things.

I do hope this is helpful to you. I know it's not a direct answer to your question, and that's somewhat deliberate. If you wish, I will share some specific instances with you of things that I have required, punishments applied, etc. but I also think you'll be best off if you discover what you can from within yourselves.