What To Tell Vanillas About What It Is That We Do

by Laura Goodwin

Despite complaints from some within the scene that such efforts candy-coat the leather life and soft-soap the public, producing outreach materials which target the vanilla public is a necessity. The public doesn't need or want the dirty details: that only distracts them. The issues are the right to consent, and the right to keep your private life private.

Vanillas are not going to support us in a fight to legalize pro domination, or the right to drag each other around on leashes in front of their kids. Make your peace with that fact. File that under NEVER. Let's move on.

Many vanilla people are surprised to learn that S/M includes erotic spanks, scratches, and bites, which are amazingly common forms of erotic expression. They are also surprised to find out that S/M practitioners can fall in love, and that they enjoy conventional sex acts such as oral sex and intercourse.

Many people seem to think that most BDSM aficionados are "scary" leathered-up gay males, and prostitutes. Therefore the idea of a loving and outwardly normal heterosexual couple who are good neighbors and good parents as well as private kinkos is a difficult concept for conservative, vanilla people. They frankly find it hard to believe, and that's too bad.

To the people we need to reach it looks like the punks are taking over and the world is going to the dogs. We have to offer assurances that we are not part of the problem.

It's not what we do, but how we do it. Look at how we are presenting to the public. There is room for improvement. The way it is now, only people with a book to sell, pro dominatrixes, and leather titleholders (90+% Gay) are out there. These people aren't exactly representative of the average BDSM person. The greatest need is for reasonable, personable, and outwardly "normal" heterosexual men and women who are willing to be presented to the public as representatives of the BDSM community. If some courageous couples would come forward, who are palatable to the general public, who would do this, it would be great. I think it will be hard to find such people, because the risk of exposure is terrifying for them, unless they make their living from serving the leather community. Perhaps if such people were approached and offered organized backing of some kind, they could bring themselves to risk publicly representing us as public relations ambassadors to the public.

I have learned that the less the vanilla public learns about exactly What It Is That We Do in the dungeon, the easier it is for them to focus on the issues of freedom of consent, and the right to keep personal adult choices private. Remember, we are talking about folks who are sickened by the details. Trust me, if they wanted to know, they could read a book. You have to put it to them in such a way that they aren't assaulted by graphic descriptions. The less prurient these materials are, the better it is. If it's handed out by Peace Corps types, even better. If you are facially tattooed and pierced they are less likely to look at you, and take the pamphlet from your hand. It's not the way it should be, but it is the way it is.

If I were an enemy of the leather community, I would publicize the dirty details about blood play, fisting, interrogation scenes, and age play. The details about the more "out-there" activities that some of us enjoy would certainly stir up repugnance in the public. We have to be aware of this tactic and be prepared to bravely stare it down when we confront it, and we will, because our opponents are getting smarter and bolder.

The problem might seem overwhelming, but the truth is that vanillas enjoy finding out that they have one less thing to worry about. Leatherfolk are not a threat to them, in fact, quite the opposite. We bring something positive to the mix. We have fresh ideas about love, beauty, truth and life. For example, we advocate honesty and deep intimacy between sex partners, which to some is a radical idea, but a good one. Your average vanilla person is secretly aching for deeper intimacy and real sexual satisfaction, and they are intrigued to learn that this is one method that works.

Our way of life and loving is not a crime, a sickness, nor a moral failing. It's a matter of taste. It's a matter of freedom of (and from) religion. It's a matter of love. It's a very personal thing, relating to mating and marriage.

In our favor is our insistence on consenting adult partners and responsible practice.

Give the vanilla public credit: they can certainly understand that the right to consent and the right to privacy are issues that equally effect them. Why we are concerned about these things they don't need to know too much about, but that we are willing to fight for sexual rights is often seen by them as heroic, which it is.

Coming out can be a dangerous thing to do, but it's a good thing to do when it's appropriate. It is not appropriate at work. The only people who have a right or reason to know are people that might be directly effected by your lifestyle. Obviously, your lover or spouse has a right to be informed, especially if you intend to be active, whether or not you include them. If it's just a fantasy that interests you, it's not as important to tell people, but a spouse for sure should be told.

How to do it is a delicate thing. Each situation is unique. Be careful. Employ the best, most delicate tact that you can. Gently ask for their understanding. Keep it simple. Don't tell more than you have to, and stop if your friend/lover/spouse indicates they have heard enough. If they go "Eww!" or show repugnance in any other way, treat it like a safe word and stop. Respect their feelings.

In my case, because I'm a public activist, I had a larger than average circle of people that had to be told: My kids, my parents and siblings, many of my friends would be directly effected since their association with me was well known, and that I was into BDSM was also well known. People who are not activists (in other words, most of you) have no reason to tell anybody except your most intimate associates. Even your kids don't really have to be informed, except to say, "I have adult-only things that I like to do for fun".

I strongly urge all BDSM parents who are raising kids to be very discreet around the kids. Do not involve them in your fantasy games. Keep them out of it, and, in general, keep your private stuff private.

*Activists* have to say something to vanillas. Public relations is part of our job. The average weekend warrior can relax: It's not up to you. Not only that, but for most of you that degree of exposure is too risky. Activists take on the risks knowing what we are doing: it's just another day at the office for us.

Of course you can come out to all the other BDSM people that you want to. They won't know you are into it too unless you volunteer that information. Running personal ads to meet people, and participating in BDSM social clubs count as coming out. You don't ever have to tell the vanillas in your midst. Face it: unless it affects them somehow, it's none of their business.

This essay and all site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 -2001