The Drummer Guide To Painfully Correct Leather Bar Behavior

BY BOB WAYNE
INTERNATIONAL DRUMMER 19, Page 206

There is no place in Leather Dom as important to see and be seen as the leather bar. Here you can watch the animals gather around the watering hole in their natural habitat, observe their mating rituals and get them eating out of your hand. You can also write stories on the back of cocktail napkins and call it work.

One's first time in a leather bar can be intimidating. We used to say that half the guys that walk into a leather bar for the first time are terrified that some big Tom of Finland type is going to chain them to a wall and fuck the shit out of them. The other half are disappointed because it doesn't happen.

Once upon a time, the rules of cowhide etiquette were enforced with vigor. If you walked into a leather bar wearing underwear, you would be unceremoniously debriefed. If you came in with a tie on, it was sliced off. It you came in with perceptible cologne, it would be hosed off of you ... and not by the soda gun.

Leather bars, where they survive, have become much more genteel. The rules are much more subtle less obvious.

To assist the uninitiated and as a refresher for the regulars, a motley panel of some of my favorite mixologists contributed to, modified, reviewed and approved the following list of Painfully Correct Leather Bar Behavior:

1. Respect the dress code. A bar with a dress code is trying to create a specific atmosphere. If that atmosphere excites you, cooperate by dressing the part.
2. No cologne. No aftershave. If you must wear a scent, No. 3 Diesel fuel as has a nice bouquet.
3. A bar is a place of business not a gay community center. It is bad form to just take up space and not generate commerce.
4. When ordering know what you want and have your money ready. If you are thinking of something that requires a blender or a little umbrella, think again.
5. Don't ask the bartender to fix you a strong drink. Ask for a double and pay for it.
6. If you drive, don't drink alcohol. The bartender doesn't care what you order ... have a soft drink.
7. There are few things as embarrassing as being cut off at your favorite leather pig trough. When you feel you have had enough, cut yourself off before you get stupid.
8. The customer is always right. However, the bartender determines who is still a customer.
9. Do not snap your fingers or whistle unless the bartender happens to be a cocker spaniel.
10. About tipping: If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford a drink. In addition, according to the innkeepers of my favorite haunts, if you can hear your tip hit the bar, you are being too cheap.
11. As a general rule, don't fuck with the guy that signs your paycheck, cuts your hair, or mixes your drinks. The results are guaranteed to be anything but pleasant.
12. The bar doesn't make the laws, but it does have to enforce the law or risk their license. Don't get pissy when asked for I.D. or when asked to leave at closing. At my age, I am generally flattered when I am carded and try to exit gracefully before the lights go up.
13. The same goes for sex, nakedness and that spontaneous bondage demonstration that you think you do so well. If the bar staff tells you to cease and desist, don't hassle them. Instead, run for public office and modify the alcohol and morals ordinances
14. If you insist on making an ass of yourself when you drink, drink only on New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day. These are amateur nights. You will have lots of company. Cheers.
15. If you MUST smoke a cigar, make sure its a decent brand because cheap cigars smell like cat shit.

Note: The Drummer staff is experiencing dissention over definitions, such as "cheap cigars," "too much" and "stupid." These details will be fleshed out over the next available happy hour.