Verbal Etiquette

From group to group, appropriate etiquette varies, as it does from couple to couple. We can't begin to cover every variation, what we hope to manage here is to cover some of the most common forms and basic conventions.

These are more public conventions, rather than those within a relationship. When you get to that point, you should discuss your own etiquette.

Addressing Dom/mes

Generally, the title Sir or Ma'am is the accepted way of showing polite respect to a Dominant. Most Dom/mes accept that this is the common form of address and, if they require another form of address, will explain the form they prefer without taking offence.

Sir or Ma'am are titles given from respect. Personally, I don't demand to be called Sir, preferring it is offered when someone feels they know me well enough to respect me. That, as I said, is my personal take and it is generally worth using them by default until you know someone better.

Equally, refusal to use the title can be a sign of lack of respect. Though everyone's behaviour always reflects upon the people they care about and a disrespectful sub can reflect badly upon their Dom/me, there are times when it is arguably justified. There have been times when an abusive, self proclaimed Dom has been making a fool out of himself and I'll drop all respectful forms of address to emphasise how his behaviour is unworthy of respect.

The title Master or Mistress, generally, should not be used. The reason for this is simply that they imply ownership, an intimate relationship. While kitten will happily watch me being called Sir, she will bristle at anyone who dares call me Master without prior invitation as it is a position she has worked hard for.

Addressing submissives

Generally, there is no universal form of address for a submissive. Simply using someone's name is generally the best approach.

Calling them "sub" is often an imperious form to use, probably somewhat too strong to use with someone you do not know and who has not given you permission to order them around (remember that the scene is consensual - a Dom/me does not have the right to do anything a sub doesn't consent to). Equally, the term "sub" or "subbie" can be used in a playful, ironic, sense between friends, but that's up to your individual interaction.

As with Dom/mes and the title Master/Mistress, the title "slave" implies possession and ownership and should be used sparingly. In general, Dom/mes who imperiously use the title without consent just end up making themselves look bad. After all, they're emphasizing the fact they ignore consent. Beyond that, using it as a belittling term just appears abusive and will equally damage your reputation.

A final note is that submissives often have a much more informal relationship with each other than Dom/mes do. While Dom/mes will generally refer to each other by name, it is common to see submissives refer to each other as "sis" or "sister". While I assume there may well be a male form, I haven't personally seen it.

Self Address

The only particularly common form of self address that we've seen, beyond "I am Master Bob", "I am jenny, a submissive", etc., is "this girl". "This girl" tends to be used by Gorean submissives. We can't say a huge amount about it as neither kitten nor I feel we really understand enough of Gorean culture. Generally though, if you see someone refer to themselves as "this girl", it is a sign they are a Gorean sub.

Demanding A Title

If someone has a form of address that they feel most comfortable with, they have the right to request it. Equally though, there is the right to explain why you feel it is inappropriate for you to address them as such. If you feel more comfortable being referred to as Mistress, that is your right, but others have the right to feel that implies things that they are not comfortable with and not use it.

Titles, like everything else, should be consensual. If someone has a good reason to be unable to use a title, you should respect that. If someone demands something you are uncomfortable with, whether you are Dom/me or sub, you have the right to say no.

Soul Thief