Humiliation

by Kim, 2000

Humiliation can be an emotionally charged topic. The definition, according to Random House Dictionary is:

hu-mil-i-ate: To lower or injure the self-respect of, especially in public.

When we discuss humiliation, the common thought seems prevail that humiliation play is the same as this definition of humiliation. Yet, we accept that "pain" is not the same "pain" as slamming one’s finger in the car door. We accept bondage is done with consent, with care to ensure proper circulation, versus some struggling victim on the railroad tracks before an oncoming train. And we accept that "forced" feminization is, in reality, not truly "forced." Jack Rinella says it even better in The Master's Manual. "The SM that we . . . practice is consensual and sane. It is pain without violence, humiliation without degradation, and bondage without victimization." Thus, why is humiliation play viewed as something which is done in the spirit of a dictionary definition?

We inflict that oh-so-good pain on our partners to create the endorphin rush. We do not truly want to cause them pain. We bind our partners to allow them the luxury of struggling, and the joy of wriggling, knowing they are held firmly in the embrace. We play with forced feminization for the happiness of our partner. For if joy and happiness and pleasure do not follow, we are not playing but abusing. The same applies to humiliation play.

Any form of play is undertaken to create pleasure, in one form or another, for both people. We do not set out to injure anyone. Hurt so good, yes. Injure, no. To "humiliate" someone, by definition, would be to lower or injure their self-respect. Humiliation play, as with other forms of play, does not mean we are following the strictest definition. Humiliation play follows the same philosophy applied to other play. Hurt so good, yes. Injure, no. I offer a play definition of humiliation:

hu-mul-i-ate: To objectify, encouraging the embrace of parts of themselves not normally celebrated.

A common misconception abounds that humiliation is all about "you worthless little worm," "you pathetic piece of shit," and the like. Reality is, although that is humiliation, there is a wide range of humiliation and this is on the heavier side. My favorite example of humiliation is from prime time television. An episode of Frasier showed us the spontaneous lovemaking between Frasier and his boss, right on the desk in the control booth. Unbeknownst to them, the microphone was on. We hear their sex talk. He calls her, in a deliciously wicked tone, "dirty girl." She calls him, "naughty boy." Reality is, she is not dirty nor a girl. And although he is engaging in "naughty" behavior, he is not a boy. Calling each other names that are not based on reality brings the sense of objectification. And it allowed them to embrace pieces of themselves not normally celebrated. Big radio executives are clean-cut, professional looking, austere, and above reproach. "Dirty girl" is not something encouragedin that setting. Hooray for letting the dirty girl out!

I’ve found that most people who tell me they don’t like humiliation are thinking of the "little worm" style. Although that style has its place, it’s not for everyone. There are people who enjoy deerskin floggers, but not heavy rubber floggers. Those who prefer deerskin still like flogging. Those who like mild humiliation still like humiliation. If we’re going by the objectification and embracing definition of humiliation, the phrase of endearment "little one" applies. The person is not "little" at all, we’re all adults. "Little" is a phrase that helps us embrace that part of ourselves that doesn’t want to be in charge every single second of the day. It celebrates the gift of submission. It encourages turning over trust to someone else. Or the phrase annoys the snot out of you.

There are phrases and words that are negative triggers. Everyone has them. Some may surprise you. When I use a flogger on your back, you entrust your well being to my skill level. When we engage in humiliation play, you entrust your well being to me as well. This time on a very deep emotional level. Words can and do hurt. Words cause emotional scars. Ask anyone who has gone through a nasty break up. Chances are they vividly remember, possibly word for word, hurtful words spoken in anger. It is the responsibility of each partner to ensure that those words which may cause damage are known and not used. Is it possible to cover them all? No. Sometimes there are surprises. Just as sometimes a stray tress from a flogger catches an area we’d rather not snap with leather, so too do things take us by surprise with humiliation. No one can promise you won’t have marks from impact play, and no one can promise your feelings will never be hurt with humiliation play. We can do our best to ensure it doesn’t happen, but when we play these ways, unexpected things can happen.

The risk makes humiliation play all that much more exciting for me, personally. I’m dealing directly with the most exciting part of my partner at that point; the brain. How they think, how they’re perceiving things, the caress of my words in their head and how that caress creates tendrils of feelings and reactions throughout their body is a total rush. When I engage in impact play, I am also dealing with their headspace. But I find humiliation play a form of play that challenges me, creates a delicious intimacy with my partner, and lets me dip my fingers directly into the stream of energy that flows between us. As with any other skill, there are people who are good at humiliation play and people who are lousy. There is a problem when you feel worse about yourself after play than you did when it started.

Humiliation play requires that I be perfectly in tune with you. With flogging (another favorite of mine) I can start off, warm you up a bit, land a blow a little too hard and still be able to recover the scene. With humiliation it’s much more difficult to recover from a mistake. That challenge thrills me. I take a step, and you either follow to the next step or you don’t. I cannot get ten steps ahead of you, or you won’t catch up at all. The closer we walk the path together, the better it is for both of us.

There are a number of ways to incorporate humiliation that don’t employ the "worthless worm" scenario. There are also any number of ways to make humiliation play more comfortable for someone who is wary of it. For example, "slut" is an emotionally charged word. People love it or hate it. But even someone who hates it may enjoy it if it’s whispered in their ear, lips brushing against their earlobe, and it’s said…"you’re my delicious little slut." Voila. We get to celebrate being a slut, but suddenly it’s not slut to anyone; it’s slut to one person. Well okay then. For one person, yes, we’ll embrace that part of us that is willing to be slutty. It’s softened by adding the word "delicious." Now slut is not a dirty, disgusting thing. It’s delicious. "Delicious slut" is certainly different than "filthy slut." I happen to like both. But if your partner can’t find it in themselves to embrace that "filthy slut" piece, then it’s not doing you any good to call them that.

Although some people can jump right into the deep end with humiliation (whatever that is for them), others need warm up. Adding diminutive phrases to a humiliation phrase softens. Adding a positive characteristic to the humiliation entices. Incorporating your pleasure in the humiliation phrase encourages. For someone attempting to perform their first erotic dance, "dance for me, slut" might be a brain-freeze phrase. A compliment about how they’re performing, with "slut" thrown in there, emphasizes that they’re a turn on and hopefully encourages them to embrace that "slut" side of themselves who gets off on undulating and teasing before you. I am a firm proponent that humiliation is about embracing those parts of ourselves that are not typically cherished.

Which brings us to the "little worm" syndrome. Why on earth would someone WANT to be called a little worm, a worthless piece of shit, or any of the other heavy-duty humiliation phrases we think of? What classifies as "heavy duty" varies from person to person. Emotions are complex things, and when we play with humiliation we hold them in our hands. Hopefully gently, with respect and adoration. This includes the energy behind the phrase "little worm." If I am venting my bad day on you, saying hateful things to work off my steam, you’re going to feel that. I can use the exact same tone, timbre, and pitch, with caring energy behind it, and you’ll feel that as well. I’m not a psychologist, but in my personal experience I find the more power someone wields in their daily life, the more likely they are to enjoy the heavier end of humiliation. "Little worm" feelings are not uncommon. "Worthless piece of shit" feelings are not uncommon either. Watch a loved one go through a terrible illness, and you’ve known the feelings of little worm. You can’t fix it, you can’t do anything, you can’t make it all better. These are part of the bundle of inadequate feelings we don’t talk about. We don’t admit. We certainly don’t celebrate. And yet, if we’re not embracing all these pieces of ourselves, we’re denying them. I’m not saying it’s for everyone. I am saying that the "heavier" forms of humiliation, in my opinion, grant permission to the recipient to feel those"small" feelings. Society tells us all day long to be stronger, faster, more beautiful, more successful, don’t show pain, don’t cry…the list goes on and on. To have a safe (emphasis safe) space to experience those feelings, where it’s not wrong to admit them, can be cathartic. Nor for everyone. It is, however, important to honor why it is for some.

General tips and tricks for successful humiliation, regardless of how "heavy" you like it. (All in my humble experience, and not as an expert, and speaking in general. That’s the last time I’ll say it, but apply it to every sentence in this paragraph.) Men, in general, enjoy heavier forms of humiliation. Perhaps it comes from the "boys don’t cry" crap we’re raised with. Men also, in general, enjoy humiliation about their physical appearance at a dramatically higher ratio than women. Say something negative about a woman’s body and she’s likely to clean your clock. Even with humiliation, women want to be beautiful, and I believe every woman deserves to have her beautiful traits praised. Find out which phrases are bad bad bad, and never to be used. Many women are survivors of child molestation, rape, and other tragedies. If a nasty uncle used a certain phrase over and over, and hearing it puts your sweetie into a victim headspace, we don’t want to use that phrase. We want to empower our partners, not victimize them. (Using play as a form of cathartic therapy is another topic, and not addressed here.)

As with any form of play, the day will come when you do hurt someone’s feelings without meaning to. A phrase can trigger a reaction or response from them that they don’t even expect. A word that has been used numerous times in the past strikes the person differently this time. We get out of step and move ahead too quickly before they’re ready to hear what we’ve said. Recovery isn’t impossible, but it is more difficult. When in doubt, stop, communicate, cuddle, offer positive reinforcement and praise. But once again, this is the standard for any sort of play that goes awry, and you already knew that.