I want a Dominant!

By *k

The concept of D/s is one of combination: two pieces unite and work together to create a whole. It is so in every relationship, but it is more dramatic in a D/s relationship. If you're going to be a Dominant, then you need someone to dominate. If you identify yourself as a submissive, then you are not complete until you have someone to submit yourself to. As a submissive, what do you need from your complimentary half? The first two things on this list are the things that are essential to any D/s relationship. The others are things I enjoy, and I personally think are a good idea.

Someone you can talk to

As in any relationship, vanilla, kink, or otherwise, you need a partner you can talk to. Talk is essential to this lifestyle. You absolutely must be able to share your thoughts with your Dom/me, as you must be able to share your fears, your dislikes, and your occasional moodswings without fear of retribution. You need to be able to tell your Dom/me anything you are thinking or feeling. Bits of your past and your personal ghosts will come into the scenes you play as well, and it's important that you are always able to tell your Dom/me about them.

Someone you can trust

The concept of trust is multifaceted. One aspect is that you must feel like you can trust your Dom/me to protect your secrets, and trust him with anything you say to him. You must never feel that your words will be used against you. You need also to be able to trust that your Dom/me will respect your limits, and will never try to push you to a place you are not willing to go. You may not feel entirely ready to go there without help, but you must always be willing to go (consensual, remember?). If you have to call a safeword, you must be able to trust that your Dom/me will stop immediately. If your Dom/me chances to hit a nerve, you need to be able to trust that he will help comfort and rebuild you, else you will be slowly destroyed.

Someone who can work with constructive criticism

By this I mean that your Dom/me should be a person who is open to suggestion, and someone to whom you can say something such as "It works better when you don't hit the exact same spot repeatedly, but rather around the general area." It's another aspect of being able to talk to your Dom/me, but a very important (to me) specification. It's important to feel like you can contribute to what is happening, and possibly criticize (gently!) if need be.

A sense of humor

Important in any relationship. It's your Dom/me's birthday. You try to make a cake to celebrate. You forget to put in the eggs and the cake is a soupy glop. Now, what is the ideal reaction here? A good laugh and a trip out for ice cream sundaes, or a punishment for failing in one of your duties as a subbie? Without a sense of humor and the ability to laugh things off, it is all too easy for general mistakes or unfortunate mishaps to become failings on the subbie's part and abuse on the dominant's. Perhaps this should be regarded as the ability to hold one's temper. It is never, ever, acceptable for a Dom/me to lose their temper and take out their frustrations on their submissives. That is abuse, and it is never acceptable.

Consistency

A Dom/me is dealing with handling, nurturing, and protecting the spirit of their submissive. If it has been okay for the last 3 weeks to go to bed without asking, a submissive should not be afraid that on some random night they will be punished for not asking. If a subbie is required to always answer questions with "Sir" or "Ma'am" that rule should be consistently enforced. Subbies should not have to desperately guess which is the right way today. Rules, punishments, and rewards should be consistent and even. This leads to secure and happy subbies--they get that way when they know they're behaving as expected.

A willingness to try new things

This is conceptual and practical. On the practical level, I believe a Dom/me should be willing to try new toys, see a new movie, try a new sport, go to a new restaurant... anything you can dream up as a new experience. A flogger will get frankly boring, if that's the only toy you use. If it means they must pick up a crop and learn to wield it to get the best effect, a Dom/me should be willing to engage that amount of effort toward learning a new skill. On the conceptual level, it means that Dom/mes should be open to trying new things. Wise Dom/mes and wise submissives understand that the only way to grow is to explore new territory.

As I said, these are my ideas of what you need in a Dom/me. The first two--trust and someone you can talk to--are things you need in any flavor of relationship. The rest that follow are things that I believe would do well in a D/s relationship. Obviously they'd be good in vanilla relationships as well. Remember, we're just like anyone else. Sometimes, though, we're just a bit more extreme!

*k