Sweet Shame: Humbling, psychological and verbal domination

Page 3

By ChrisM © 1998-2002 of SubBondage.net

BOTTOMS TASK TO CONSENT RESPONSIBLY

Principal 3 The bottoms job is to consent honestly and by open to surprise.

No matter how submissive the bottom, no matter how controlling and dominant the top, the bottom’s involvement remains vital to the SM ritual. Even if you fantasize of utter, rapturous, surrender to the whim of your dream lover, you still are an active participant in SM courtship and in the sado-erotic encounter itself, and there is work and responsibility that the bottom can never delegate away.

If the top’s job is to seduce consent and earn trust, it is the bottom who grades the tops performance by deciding whether to play, whether to consent, whether to trust. Only a fool would willingly submit to everyone who asks. "Consent honestly" does not mean "consent to whoever asks and mean it". It means consent mindfully and only to the person, and to a degree that the bottom deems promising.

Clearly a bottom must make it a priority to know themselves, their desires, fantasies, tolerances, limits, likes and dislikes. It means cultivating the judgment to tell a worthy suitor from a phony, an asshole, a safety hazard, or a good person who may still be a bad match. We have sex-hunters who talk the SM talk but don’t have the vaguest notion how to stage a decent scene. We have obsessive-compulsive control freaks battling inner demons insecurities, who use SM as a less than healthy intoxicant. We have woman-hating male chauvinists who have found in SM unlucky justification for their prejudices and hatreds, and seek mindless drones to control. We have those who become obsessed with the quicksilver politics of the leather social scene, and collect partners as arm ornaments to enhance their prestige in the SM community.

Being a bottom means making decisions that are in accord with who you are, what you want, and what you can handle. It would be foolhardy for a bottom with a low pain tolerance and fragile ego to surrender consent to a four star sadist who favors long bloody floggings with no check-ins or safe words. Mismatches like this do occur, but its not what I would recommend for a beginner planning their first scene.

Assuming a top or dominant has at least seduced your interest, how do you evaluate them as a potential scene partner. The question of who to trust with your consent is far from arbitrary, but also impossible to standardize into a one-size-fits-all approach. Seduction may begin the moment you lay eyes on a nice looking stranger. For some, that’s all the seduction they need to yield consent. Only you know what floats your boat, and that is as it should be. But what are the signs one should look for to evaluate a potential top as a partner? Initially I would favor the person who makes a good impression. Good Manners, Decent hygiene, a confident but not overbearing personality, Intelligence, a sense of humor, and an ability to listen are also good signs. It helps to be known and well thought of by people you know and trust. Other qualities can’t be assessed at first meeting: a sense of fairness, reliability, someone who is capable and good at what they do in the dungeon, and someone whose word is their bond. Several shrewd dating books suggest watching how a dinner date treats the waiter and restaurant staff. Are they respectful and decent? Or boastful, tyrannical and high handed? Personally I am impressed by tops who convey a sense of power in reserve. I like to know that someone has other interests outside the confinements of SM, that they are more than just a scene-geek. At the same time you want someone who knows what their doing with whip, rope or whatever it is they do. One advantage of attending SM social events is the opportunity to watch others play and form realistic ideas of what to expect from a variety of players. In short you want a top who is worthy of having power over you.. Submissive should never mean, "easily led"

Bad signs? Things that undermine trust? A Dom that wants too much too fast. That tries to isolate you from your friends? A person prone to boasting, guilt trips, ego trips, or head trips. Fits of anger or rage, or arrogance that doesn’t come off. Not good things. Nor is a propensity towards exaggeration, obfuscations, or all or nothing ultimatums. If someone is bossy, obstinate and has a tin ear to your concerns, imagine their behavior in the heat of a scene with a whip in their hand, while you’re chained to a wall, gagged. Tops, if there was ever a time to demonstrate your humanity, good judgment, and self control its before you play. But there are no fixed rules. There are great people who seem bossy, overbearing, nondescript, or just plain goofy. But one person’s goofiness is another’s wit.

Once you’ve made the agreement to share a scene, a bottom must communicate as clearly as is necessary during the negotiation phase. State your limits experience and yearnings, at least to the degree your comfortable. Make your issues and interests understood and get a sense that your limits, concerns are being taken seriously. For first time experiences, new techniques, or new partners you may want to go slowly. Never be scared to save some experiences for next time.

During the scene, relax and enjoy it. Once you have exercised judgment in choosing your partner and negotiating the scene, the hard part is over. Let yourself be swept away. That’s what a good top will want to do anyway. You’re not a critic, but audience to the top’s performance, the reader seduced into suspension of disbelief, a dancer led into dance, a connoisseur savoring an exquisite wine. Open up a bit. Allow your consent to be seduced. Allow your trust to be earned. True you will want to maintain some level of critical wariness during the scene, but that’s a background concern, perhaps a non-issue if your with someone you know and trust. We will address You do need to be able to communicate to your top how your consent is holding up.