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Reflections on the Responsibilities
By Fritz from New York ( nycfritz@verizon.net ) Handball, or fisting, is one of the most sensual and intense of any of the sexual activities in the Levi/Leather/Fetish arena. A well-played handball scene, between two men who are turned on to each other and communicating, can be as exciting as anything in the Kama Sutra. For some men, it’s part of a master/slave S&M scene, for some, it’s a Daddy/Son thing, but for many, it’s just good hot piggy sex. I am an experienced Handball top. I’m in my fifties, and had my first fist experience in my twenties, shortly after I moved to New York. I have been versatile, and have enjoyed fisting and being fisted, but for a long time now, I have been exclusively a top. That isn’t a dominance trip; it’s simply what I prefer. For me, handball is more than just one man shoving his hands or arms into another man’s hole. It’s a lot more than that. To be safe, and in my opinion, to be fun and exciting, it requires some knowledge of what you are doing, and a lot of mutual trust and respect. Handball is all about trust, guys. I'm writing as a top, and I thank any gods who will listen that there are bottoms out there willing to play with me, but they are putting themselves in (or more literally, on) my hands, and I take that trust very seriously. I was at a very hot handball party in New Orleans recently, with a lot of buddies I know well, and some new friends I was getting to know, when a hot guy arrived who most of us didn't know. Blonde, blue-collar type, someone said he was a truck driver. He was a nice friendly guy, and very sexy. He got a buddy of mine from Florida into a sling, and it looked like they were having a good time. When the scene was over, however, he just pulled out, handed my pal a couple of paper towels, only because he had asked for them, and walked away. A very good friend of mine from Los Angeles caught him in the kitchen and, nicely but firmly, gave him a much-needed lesson in FF etiquette. The trust works both ways: I trust the bottom to communicate with me; tell me what feels good and what doesn't, tell me if I'm going too fast or too slow; I'm not a mind-reader. For the gods’ sake, tell me if I'm hurting you, that is not my scene. "Enhancements" (that means poppers or other drugs) are fine, in moderation, but if I have a bottom who is too drugged out to know what I am doing to him or what's happening, I will stop the scene immediately. Talk to me, look at me. I'm not "doing" you, we're doing this together. The psychic and emotional connection is just as important as the physical, that's what makes "handball sex" more than just jamming your arm in someone's ass. Any good top knows that the bottom is always really in control in sane, mutual scenes, no matter how kinky or rough the play might be. But the top is the one who is "running the show" during the scene, and when I’m topping, I know that I have certain responsibilities. Communication: It is my responsibility to listen to my partner, to ask him what’s happening if I sense that something isn't working right for him. It is my responsibility to work with him, not work on him, so that we both enjoy the scene. Timing: Some pigs do want a fist rammed up their butt fast and fairly deep; some have to be opened gently and slowly. Some like a lot of "action", pumping and twisting; some prefer a smooth slow entry, straight in. Listen, feel, and take the time to "learn" a new hole you are playing in, and learn what it wants and what it can take. It is my responsibility to know whether this bottom has been playing all night or this is "openers" for him, and adjust to that. If I don't know, I ask. Never rush a handball scene; you can hurt someone that way. This is not an Olympics event (yet!) and no one has a stopwatch. Preferences: Some bottoms want depth, as far in as you can get it, some want width or two hands. Some want to be teased, some want to be used and abused. Some want a long, slow, sensual session; some want to be punched. (A few rare pigs want all of the above, and if you find one, hang on to him!) If you don't know what the bottom you're playing with wants or expects, you're not asking or he's not saying, and it's your responsibility as the top to correct that. Breaks: Some guys who say, "I need a break" just mean stop where you are, let's pause a minute, leave your wrist in me, and then we'll start over again. Some mean take it out, I have to stop now. Some want to stop; some want to be teased or have your cock substituted for your fist for a while. I’ve learned, over time, to read a lot of body and tone-of-voice signals, but if you don't know what he really means, never assume, always ask. Problems: To put it bluntly, shit happens. If you start to play and discover that your bottom is not properly cleaned out, stop the scene. That's for health reasons, for both of you, obviously, but it’s also for your partner’s own comfort and safety. Feces can be gritty or have solid material that can cause irritation and/or damage. Be nice about it, just stop and suggest that he clean out a bit more before he plays. A "bit of pink" is not always a problem, but if you see any dark red blood, stop immediately and tell your partner why you are stopping. Internal bleeds are not nice. If you see any visible bleeding from the anus after you withdraw, get your partner into a shower immediately, and rinse his butt (very gently – we are not talking about a cleanout here) with cold or cool water. If it doesn't stop, take him to an ER. Do not send him to the ER, take him, and go with him. If you can't do that, you have no business playing this game. Any time a man lets you put your fist or arm into his butt, he becomes your responsibility if something goes wrong. Gloves: If you always want to use gloves, that is your choice. If you prefer to play without them, as I do, it becomes the bottom’s choice. If the bottom says to glove up, glove up. It is his ass you’re playing in, after all. Some club or party scenes insist that all members or guests use gloves at all times. In a group scene where men will be playing with multiple partners, that’s a good idea. (Note about gloves: Some men have an allergy or sensitivity to latex gloves. I keep Nitrile and/or Vinyl gloves at home; it’s worth the extra cost to make sure that my bottoms don’t have an adverse reaction.) Hand care: If you will be playing without gloves, it is your responsibility as a top to make sure that your hands are ready to do so. That means clean, of course, washed with bacterial soap immediately before playing. It also means fingernail hygiene. Keep your nails trimmed as short as you can without cutting into flesh, and file them after cutting. Do not cut your nails immediately before playing, which can leave rough edges. Ideally, you should trim your nails the day before you are going to play, and file them then and the next day. If you have any recent cuts or abrasions on your hands, use gloves, for both your sake and your bottom’s. Handball Q&A files always include tips for bottoms for cleaning out, but some overlook the fact that the Top has his cleaning regimen to follow, also. Sling play: I was taught several things by the tops I learned from that I always follow. As the top, it is my responsibility to protect the sling in a party situation where others will be using it. That means covering the "business end" with paper towels or a pad. I help the bottom into the sling, adjust the height and leg-straps and make sure he is comfortable before we start playing. I put another pad or towels on the floor under the sling. When the scene is over, I was taught to clean my hands and arms first, with paper towels, and then clean the bottom's bottom. As my buddy told the newcomer in New Orleans, "you made the mess; it's your responsibility to clean it up." I check the floor to see if that needs cleaning, and then and only then help the bottom out of the sling. Help him out; not just let him climb out on his own. Handball is intense play, the bottom has been on his back for a while, and when he stands up, the blood-pressure change might leave him woozy, especially if he's been using poppers. I pull bottoms out of the sling into my arms - often into a warm kiss - and hold them until I am sure they can stand on their own. This man has just given up his ass to you; the least you can do is make sure he can navigate by himself. When I know he’s okay, I police the area, disposing of any used towels, mopping up spills on the floor, and wiping down the sling. Others will be playing there. Used gloves and pads and towels should always be disposed of properly. Cleaning up: If you are playing one-on-one, with a partner, say, and you know each other's health status, that's one thing, but if you are playing in a party or group situation, that's another. After every scene, wash your hands and arms thoroughly with an anti-bacterial soap. Wash to the elbows every time, I don't care how deep you got; and wash past them if you got past them. Wash your cock if that came into play, or even if you touched it with a hand that had been in someone's butt. And check the rest of your body. It’s amazing where Crisco or J-Lube can turn up after a hot scene. Lubes: Playing with multiple partners from a shared lube supply is never a good idea. It is the responsibility of the bottom to maintain, keep track of and use only his own lube, but it is the top's responsibility to watch out that he does, and not double-dip, that is, use the same lube on a new bottom that you just used on another. All of this is just common sense and common courtesy, but as that moment in New Orleans showed, there are some players who need to be reminded, from time to time. If you are new to handball, especially as a bottom, play only with experienced men who know what they are doing at first. If you don’t like what’s happening, say so. Any real top worthy of the title will respect your wishes. If you are new to the scene as a top, start with experienced bottoms, and listen to them. Or work with an experienced top, side by side, and watch and learn. Every man you play with from here on out will thank you for it. My personal motto is included in most of my on-line profiles. If the bottom isn’t having a good time, neither am I. I’m not just looking for a warm place to stick my arm. It’s sex, men, and it’s supposed to be fun, or why do it? Fun, to this top, does not mean I get my jollies and move on; it means we both have fun. That means I have to take some responsibility to make sure that my partner is enjoying the scene as much as I am. With all due modesty, I think most of them do. If you are new to FF, as a bottom or a top, check out Fisting 101, available from Hot Desert Knights in Palm Springs, CA. Bill Freyer from RHSD and Ray Butler have made a wonderful film that anyone new to the scene should watch. It's informative and educational, and it's also hot. What film with Bill and Ray in it could not be hot? You can order it from HDK at http://www.hotdesertknights.com/ Play hot, guys, but play safe and sane... Fritz
Fritz is a 58-year-old Leather Daddy in New York City, who has been involved in the Handball scene for about 30 years. He is a member of FFA-CAC (Washington, DC), RHSD (San Diego, CA) and an associate member of CDA (Minneapolis, MN) and M.A.F.I.A (Chicago, IL). Fritz is a member of the Handball list and his profile is on the Handball Index and the Pig Pages under NYCFRITZ. He regularly travels within the U.S. and to Europe for fisting, water sports, and leather events. Fritz and his partner are always interested in meeting new buddies who share mutual interests. |
