Please Stop Breaking Canes

By Laura Goodwin

The cane is being widely misused, which I deplore. What in heaven's name are people doing with their rattans to break them!? I have a half-dozen rattans in my collection, one which I've used often for nearly twenty years. I usually leave significant welts with them, but have never broken one yet. I've never soaked, oiled or varnished any of them: it's unnecessary! Rattan (in my experience) is wonderfully durable.

People, use the thing properly. When rattans are "wrapped" one too many times, or are used to swat bony instead of fleshy areas, that causes breakage. Generally the rule is to keep your whipping arm close to your body, with the elbow in against your torso, and swing with only the forearm. The tip (last four inches) should be striking the target area (A fleshy area. Traditionally the buttocks.), and the same area shouldn't be struck repeatedly... move it around. There should be distinctive separate stripes raised, not just one big bruised area.

All this full-arm showoffy stuff and other unconventional caning methods lead to breakage. It's not normal. It's certainly nothing to brag about, you... you... Vandals and Visigoths!

Witless 1: "I broke a cane over my sub the other day."

Witless 2: "That's nothing! I broke your paddle over your sub the other day!"

Both: "Har! Har har!"

The new synthetic rods are as flexible and weighty as a good rattan, but are less likely to break, plus they are washable. So, if you insist on raising bloody welts on one person after another all over the place, for heaven's sake DON'T use rattan, and give that lovely, old-fashioned domestic discipline tool a bad name.

And leather handles on a rattan stick? Why gild the lily? Why are people painting rattan and varnishing it!? Stop it, all of you! You're giving me a case of the vapors.

I can't explain the physics involved, but the tips and even the shafts break from using the cane improperly. I'm sorry if this message seems harsh, but it's the truth.

Rattans are not sold green and fresh. They start off dry. If you soak them it seems obvious to me that they may be spoiled by this. Some might take a nice dry piece of toast and then soak it in milk, but not me.

Varnish and paint will no doubt crack from all the flexing and impacts, and will need to be reapplied. I can't imagine why anyone needs to improve in any way on a thing which nature designed perfectly.

Rattan is best if left in its natural state, and used judiciously. If you are just going to whip people with a stick, then simply cut a switch as our frontier foremothers did, and throw it away after you have flailed your victim silly. This disposes of the evidence of your savagery, while relieving you of the need to clean blood off of the thing before you start on your next victim.

I have a fine, white, ~peeled~ rattan in my collection, and it's like suede vs. leather. The rattan "bark" or skin is quite beautiful I think, but the peeled rattan is an interesting novelty, although naturally more porous. It is not bloodstained. It's vulgar to break the skin with a rattan.

If a rattan is very shiny, it's been varnished. The natural rattan bark has a soft luster, not a high, hard gleam.

If you go to buy a brass bed, you are given a choice. You may buy brass that's varnished, and this will look just like polished gold. The idea here is it will retain its shine without constant polishing. An unvarnished brass will not look so shiny, even if it's highly polished. It will require frequent polishing, and in general will be a bit of a nuisance. So why is unvarnished brass more expensive? Usually something less desirable is less expensive. Surely sending brass headboards out unvarnished saves a step and cuts production costs, so why the illogical price?

A new, ultra-shiny, varnished brass smiles brightly, its smile frozen and false. Soon you learn to ignore it, the way you ignore the obvious, false smiles of models in toothpaste commercials. It becomes just another piece of furniture, when the novelty wears off. Well, the varnish on the brass will begin to flake off, leaving ugly areas which will need to be polished to match the rest of the bed. You can reapply varnish, but the smooth finish is lost forever. Soon you have, not an heirloom, but a piece of flaky junk you have to palm off at a yard sale. This is not the fault of the brass: it did what it could.

Meanwhile, the person who bought the unvarnished brass is slavishly polishing it faithfully, and keeping it beautiful the old-fashioned way. All the love they lavish on it increases its value. The brass isn't mute, but expresses itself by darkening, and shining brightly every time it's shown some love. Walking in to see the bed has been polished and the sheets are fresh says volumes without speaking a word.

People treat relationships the same way. Beware of the person who is too easily impressed by new shininess, as opposed to real value. Some things are worth working to preserve, and some things are perfect as they are, pure, simple, and unadorned.

It's human vanity and folly to be constantly trying to improve on nature. Sometimes it's best to simply let things be, and appreciate them. I don't need shiny plastic clothes to be waterproof, nor to look beautiful, and neither does my cane. Naked, and with nothing but a plain rattan, I'm sure I could be quite impressive enough. :)

My oldest cane, the venerable "Old Reliable", offers mute testimony that a cane can remain flexible and unbroken even after years of hard use, with no special care whatsoever. Actually, that's not true. I very carefully avoided dipping it into anything, and I never used it incorrectly. The grateful stem repaid me with years of good service, with no end in sight. These are facts, the evidence of which stands ready to display itself before your very eyes. I can also round up some of my recipients of canings past who will be happy to swear upon their lives that I was never too gentle with it. :)

I'm not saying don't be severe with your errant underlings... whip them, beat them, yes! The guilty know they deserve it. But the rod is an innocent tool, please don't abuse it.

This essay and all site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 - 2002