How to Find and Keep a Dom/me

by bix

Lately, I've seen a lot of my submissive pals going through hard times: having bad luck finding the right online Dom/me, feeling frustrated with the Dom/me, losing the Dom/me. I'd like to share my thoughts on how to find and keep a good online Dom/me: what I've come to understand through my own experiences, watching the experiences of others, and from observing and learning from my Mistress, Lady Cauchemar.

Note: these are my own opinions, not necessarily those of my Mistress or the IR management. And there is certainly more than one way of approaching many of these matters; this is the way that *I* think works best. These comments are also aimed more at the beginner and novice online submissive who is looking for a more serious relationship with a dominant, whether that involves a formal collar or not. If you are only interested in your basic netsex slap-n-lick, then much of the following may not be necessary.

1. Don't Be A Pest! A twisted logic seems to run through the mind of some submissives: "I want the attentions of this strong person, so I'm going to beg and cajole and whine like a child for this person to scene with me until I get what I want." This is *not* exactly a submissive attitude. The best way to meet a Dom/me is the same way you'd meet them in real life: you strike up a conversation with them. You find something to comment on: "I admire your profile, Ma'am" or "That was a thrilling scene you put on in the voyeur room, Sir." Perhaps there is something in their profile you are curious about. Ask politely. If you want to ask about something sexual, ask it without the leer; be polite. Try to engage the person in a conversation, and use that opportunity to slip in some facts about yourself, something that displays your submissive attitude. Flirt with the person. Offer to serve them food or drink - then do so with great style and flair. Make a good first impression!

2. Be Clear About Your Interests, Needs, and Limits. BDSM is like a continuous sliding scale; everyone who finds himself or herself into BDSM is at various points along this scale. You probably have some idea of what your interests are and what you feel you need from a relationship. At some point early on, both you and your Dom/me have to delineate your respective needs and interests explicitly: I like this, I don't like this, I won't do this. (This is even more important in real-life BDSM relationships.) While there doesn't need to be an exact match, you need to share a fair amount with your Dom/me, otherwise that person is not the right Dom/me for you. It's probably a good idea to have at least a basic discussion about this area before you agree to play. Later on, your Dom/me may ask you to fill out a version of a long questionnaire about BDSM activities and preferences. You are asked to rate your interest in and acceptance of each of those activities. It is tedious but useful to fill these out, though you should include a paragraph or two summarizing your interests for your Dom/me.

3. Be Responsive and Explicit. OK, you've persuaded a Dom/me to play with you. Now you have to impress Him or Her with your reactions, your moves, your attitude, your intelligence, your sensuality. Too often scenes end up being clinical descriptions of various activities, or repetitions of foul language, or, at worst, a line or two of MMMMMs and AHHHHHHS. An experienced Dom/me will be looking for more. To get the most out of an online scene, try to really enter into it. Imagine what all five of your senses would be experiencing: how the paddle would feel, the smell of the leather garment, the sounds your Dom/me makes in the room, the light leaking through the blindfold, the taste of the dildo you have been commanded to hold in your mouth. Imagine how the paddle would feel on your ass, the sound of it, how it would sting; describe the heat radiating through your skin; describe how your body would move. If something the Dom/me does or says makes you shiver in real life, type that in. Online scening is a kind of performance art; you and the Dom/me are performing for your mutual satisfaction. Take the performance aspect of your scening seriously.

4. Don't Be Too Specifically Demanding (Or Demandingly Specific). Yeah, we all have our favorite fetishes. We'd like X, Y, and Z to occur, in that
   order, every single time. But real life isn't like that, and online Dominance and submission isn't, either. As a submissive, you have a right and responsibility to let your Dom/me know exactly what combination of activities gets you going. But your Dom/me is in charge, S/He will call the shots. Whatever you do, do not send a whining .tell in the middle of a scene to your Dom/me saying, "No, not X now! I want Y!" That borders on "topping from the bottom," which most Dominants will not tolerate.

5. Set Safe words (If You Play On the Edge). In real-life BDSM play, safe words are established by the sub and Dom/me to give the sub a way of letting the Dom know that the play has become too much. Are safe words really needed while playing online? After all, nothing is really happening except typing. You can be hurt emotionally, however, by the words flashing across your screen. You may wish to establish a safe word with your Dom/me if, for instance, you are someone who can put themselves into a highly submissive frame of mind - that is, who can enter "subspace" while playing online - if you feel particularly vulnerable emotionally while playing, if you tend to play at the edge of your limits, or if your play tends toward the dangerous (knives or asphyxiation, for example). When you say the safe word, the play stops. A common method is the stoplight system: Red for "Stop now"; Yellow for "Caution, I'm getting nervous with this," and Green for "Yes Yes More More " (a useful signal to send in a .tell to your Dom/me when you are saying out loud "No more" but really mean "Yes! More!").

6. Expect To Be Led, Trained, Pushed. Submission is a journey. You may find that your interests match your Dom/me's rather well. However, you should expect your Dom/me to lead you into new areas, to push your limits, and to train you to do certain things that please Him or Her. Your goal in submission is to *grow* in submission. Expanding your horizons, of course, requires communication and trust. Let your Dom/me know how you are responding, honestly and straightforwardly, if you feel you are being led in directions you aren't ready and/or willing to go in.

7. Be One Person. The temptation to take on multiple identities online is great, and I can see how it could even be a good experience for one who is exploring vastly differing parts of himself or herself. However, I have seen a great deal of abuse and pain occur as a result of people using multiple personas. Some people use other identities to cheat, to avoid commitment, and to play mind games with another person. This is just plain wrong. Also, consider this: if you are running two submissive personas, both may find Dom/mess, and your loyalties would be split. You will get the most out of your submissive journey if you remain yourself and stick to one identity.

8. Set the Rules Clearly. You may have come online thinking you could fool around with other people all you want, only to find that submission can be even more demanding than many relationships in real life. Depending on your Dom/me's desires, you may or may not get an opportunity to play with others online. If you are entering into a more formal arrangement with your Dom/me, such as a training period or a committed relationship, make sure you have agreed with your Dom/me on just what the rules are. Some Dom/mes will allow you to play with others when they are not there (but require you to e-mail them about each encounter); other Dom/mes require you or the other person to obtain permission first. Others will only let you play with others if they are there to supervise. Some Dom/mes put their subs through a period of training where the sub is *required* to service anyone who requests. Whatever your arrangement, make sure you both understand the rules, and the punishments for breaking them.

9. Be Loyal. It is painlessly easy to break the rules you have set up - to log on as another person, to submit to another, or to even impersonate a Dom/me for the hell of it. As long as you're not stupid about it, chances are you'll never get caught. Listen: Don't do it. You will get out of your submission only that which you put into it. If you are holding back part of yourself in order to submit to others, your submission to your Dom/me is limited to that degree - and thus your journey as a person is limited as well.

10. Know Your Tools And Toys. If you are inexperienced in real life, do some research to become acquainted with the tools and the toys of the BDSM trade. Go to toy catalog sites and look at what's available. Better yet, find an adult toy store in your community and spend a little time there. Touch the leather, smell it, imagine how these objects would feel if used on you. You will find that you can scene online much better if you have a clear image of the tool or toy in your mind.

11. Put Some Time In Before Accepting a Collar. Collars function differently at Iron Rose than they do at other talkers. A collar represents a very serious commitment on the part of both the Dom/me and the sub. Granted that relationships happen faster online than they do in real life - I still believe that some time should pass before you accept a collar from your Dom/me. Try to explore as much as possible with your Dom/me, not only BDSM, but everything. Spend time just *talking.* Make sure this is really the person you wish to submit to.

12. Don't Expect Your Dom/me to Solve Your Problems. The Dom/sub relationship tends to encourage a kind of dependence on the part of the sub, but don't allow yourself to lean *too* much on your Dom/me. Your Dom/me is concerned about you, but doesn't necessarily want to hear you talk about your problems continuously. BDSM relationships can be therapeutic, but ultimately your Dom/me is not a therapist.

13. Don't Be A Doormat (Don't Put Up With Unthinking Abuse). Let's face it: there are a lot of jerky Dom/mes out there. Anyone with a computer and a modem (or access to a computer lab) can come online and say that they are a Dominant. And the anonymity of the online world tends to bring out the jerks. There are many Dom/mes online who would never be tolerated in the real BDSM world. Don't fall prey to these individuals. Don't let someone use and abuse you in a way that is not satisfying to both of you. Don't let someone take you way past your limits and make you feel rotten about yourself. Your submission is a gift given consensually; no greater gift can be given to another. Your Dom/me should cherish it and value it highly. If S/He does not value your submission, if you are in an unsatisfactory relationship, *you* have the right to terminate it.

14. Make Sure Your Basic Needs Get Met. This is the second half of the last rule. You need to determine what your needs are - love, sex, attention, companionship, usage, time - and gauge whether your relationship with your Dom/me is meeting them. Be realistic and be willing to compromise: no relationship is perfect. But focus on what is really important. For instance, you may really sizzle with your Dom/me, but if you are online 4 hours a day and your Dom/me is only online 4 hours a week, you're going to have a problem: your needs aren't going to be met. If your needs are not being met, you need to have a talk with your Dom/me, preferably in a neutral space, out of character. Don't be afraid to end the relationship if you are not getting out of it what you need.

15. Put Real Life First. This is my Mistress's number one rule. The allure of online life is something many of us struggle with. Being online is fun and addictive. It's easy to let it get out of hand. But real life is ultimately more important than what text crosses a flickering screen. I have heard horror stories about people losing their jobs and even their families over their online relationships and activities. Nothing is worth that. The real world does have its rewards. Sometimes after spending the night typing with my Mistress, our souls connected by an electronic pulse through a thin wire, I step outside into my back yard. Breezes sway the tree, making each leaf move. The moon rides high overhead. I am reminded of just how rich the real world is.