Mental and Emotional Stability

by Master Ron K.

From The Leather Journal
Issue 54

To start with, I am not a mental health care worker, nor do I have any degrees that qualify me to be an authority on the subject of mental or emotional stability. I am simply a human who has a Ph.D. in living with myself, a difficult task at times, and the stuff that life has thrown at me. More than once, my friends have heard me say, "I'm a sadists, not a psychologist."

It is my hope that in this writing, I will be able to get you to think about this issue, both seriously and humorously, and via that process I hope you will become better equipped to deal with the interesting and challenging situations that living in the Leather/SM/Fetish lifestyles can present.

Mental and Emotional Stability Defined
To me, mental and emotional stability is having the ability to understand and deal with the emotions that I feel, depending on the situation. It is having all the tools I need to deal with the curves that life will inevitably throw at me. I do not intend for you to think I mean you need to be able to solve all the problems that may come up. I do intend for you to understand that dealing with means having the ability to recognize, understand, and define problems when they arise.

Once recognized, it is also having the courage to admit when I'm in over my head and need help from outside sources, and then having the courage to reach out for help when required. It is having the ability to identify situations where I am feeling certain emotions and understand how those emotions affect my interactions with others. Most of all, mental and emotional stability is having the ability to deal with change? not just changes in others, but also those within myself.

My experience with people is that all too often they think of mental and emotional stability as a stagnation of mental and emotional skills. Some think of mental and emotional stability as some place where one stabilizes and becomes inflexible. Mental and emotional stability is not some rigid space that one fits into; it is having the ability to move freely through the full gamut of life's experiences.

To me, it is having the ability to not only experience all of life's ups and downs, but to appreciate the experience itself, good or bad. Mental and emotional stability is also the ability to share one's experiences with one's friends and lovers. Personally, I believe that it is this sharing of our experiences that makes it possible for us to enhance our and our partners' experience of life.

Why Is This Issue Important?
I think it is important to spend some time thinking about this issue because it forms the foundation of how we each deal with life. It is within the realm of mental and emotional stability that we define those things that work and don't work for us. The amount of time and when to spend it thinking about this issue is a matter of individual preference. We cannot face every part of ourselves without adequate internal support, in other words mental and/or emotional stability.

By spending some time developing our understanding of ourselves we develop our own depths, the areas that give us internal strength. If we are afraid of or unable to deal with the answers to serious questions within ourselves, our abilities to be honest with ourselves and others can be seriously impacted. Our ability to begin relationships and deal with the infinite possibilities that occur when mixing two or more personalities is reduced. Hell, just enjoying the trials and rewards of' living can he difficult.

There are also issues for us to consider that are directly integrated with our unique style of loving. Without adequate mental or emotional stability is it really possible for someone to give informed or knowledgeable consent? Is it possible for persons to understand why what they're doing turns them on and do the have the ability to communicate that to their Top or bottom is it possible for a person to differentiate between acceptable behavior and abusive behavior.

This is by no means an all-inclusive list of the questions that can be raised. Please stop here to think about it for a minute. I'm sure you can come up with some questions of your own that are as important to you as those above are to me.

I think that most important, among all the reasons for us to he concerned about this issue, is our ability to make judgments about our own personal safety and survival. These are, in many ways, a direct result of being mentally and emotionally stable. This is not to say that we shouldn't be considerate of the personal safety and survival of our friends and lovers, because we should.

It is, however of utmost importance for us to monitor and insure that or own health and well being are adequately protected. This concept applies equally to both Tops and bottoms in my opinion, regardless of our position in the power exchange, we have a basic responsibility to ourselves to assure our own it safety and sanity.

All too often I hear from bottoms that they expect me to guard their mental health, yet they can't express their areas of concern, nor do they take steps to assure that they have done everything possible to protect themselves. I have also heard other Tops complain about their experiences with bottoms who they felt were too demanding on them emotionally, when they themselves have not taken any steps to protect themselves emotionally. Either extreme is questionable to me when viewed in the light that the primary responsibility for self-preservation, supposedly inherent in every individual is the responsibility of the individual.

Sanity?
Let's start by looking at our credo of "Safe, Sane, and Consensual." Obviously the issue of sanity is integral to any conversation about mental and emotional stability. Personally, I already known I'm a bit touched, so I accept a certain amount of insanity in others. In my play, I tend to travel a bit closer to the extremely intense than the mild. In everything I do, I carefully consider the risks and assure myself that I have minimized them as much as possible; then I proceed to enjoy myself.

To think that there are no risks in SM is insanity of I very unhealthy type. Recognizing and minimizing the risks is what I consider minimally sane in any activity. If you have not considered the risks you take or that you are asking others to take, perhaps now would be a good time to do so. If you fail to properly prepare yourself for the risks inherent to our style of loving, when something happens that you have not considered you may find yourself unable to respond effectively, and someone will be damaged unnecessarily.

One of the things that it is good to remember as a part of this discussion is that the vanilla world considers much of what we enjoy to be well over the line between sanity and insanity. We, having been reared and educated in that societal system, have to deal with that system's conditioning of our behavior. Through the process of honest self-examination, we can make conscious decisions about our own it beliefs and, over time, remove much of this societal conditioning.

This process can be very liberating. Whether you go through this process alone, with the help of a friend, or with it mental health professional, it is a necessary process for almost all of us. One day, we might be able to educate the vanilla world well enough that they will be less critical of our sexuality, but for now we have to deal with the situation, as it now exists within ourselves.

Safety?
The issue of "safety" applies to both Tops and bottoms. I have often told bottoms, "It is your responsibility to not let me take you into areas that you cannot go, and it is my responsibility to take you everywhere else as safely as possible." Tops are responsible for the results of any action they take. If they are good Tops, they will have considered the possibilities, explored their potential activities with their bottom and will minimize the risks involved for both partners.

Bottoms, however, are not completely blameless nor have they abrogated their own responsibilities in the situation. Bottoms must be self-aware enough to communicate their fears and limitations to their Tops as a part of their responsibility for a safe experience. For our experiences to be safe, both the Top and the bottom must keep their own well-being in mind when negotiating limits and when playing.

One of my pet peeves is the "bottomless" bottom who claims to not have any limits. This claim is almost always made in response to the question, "What are your known limits?" Almost invariably, I will respond with, "Well, I guess you won't mind if I put my cigarette out in your eye, will you?"

So far, the instant I say this, the bottom I've been interviewing will start talking about their limits. It is rather amusing to see how fast the "bottomless" bottom becomes not so bottomless when they realize that their personal safety could be compromised by their trying to impress me with how heavy they are.

I don't ask about their known limits for them to impress me, I ask so I can make a judgment for myself on how good a match they are to my style of play. Once an accurate description of known limits has been established, I can then decide first whether I want to play with the person, and then, second, if I do want to play, what type of play will be appropriate and enjoyable for both of us. I believe that the process is much the same for most Tops as well.

By the way, for those who didn't catch it, when I say "known limits", I do so with the knowledge that everyone has limits that they have not found because they have not had the particular set of stimuli required to bring that limit to the fore. It happens; be prepared for the unexpected. How you deal with it when it happens can turn a potentially traumatic experience into a positive learning experience.

Novice bottoms will often have a hard time describing their limits because they have little experience to base their answers on. It is much more difficult to negotiate with a novice than an experienced bottom because of this.

Every novice bottom must, I repeat must, communicate their novice status to the Top who is interviewing them. Failure to do so, for me, is a signal of marked immaturity and sends up all kinds of warning flags.

However, a novice who owns up to being a novice and is capable of expressing their fears, concerns, and turn-ons can and does get extra consideration from me. It is a sign that they have spent some time considering what this lifestyle means to them and that they are mature enough to want to learn more in a direct, healthy manner.

I can hear novices who are reading this groaning, "But if I tell the Top I'm a novice, they may not want to play with me."

Okay, if the Top decides he doesn't want to play, it's because they don't think they are a good match with you. It is far better for you to wait for a good match than to allow your sexual needs to drive you to misrepresentation and putting yourself at risk of being damaged physically or mentally due to your inexperience. There are plenty of Tops out there who are willing to work with novices who are honest and open.

Experienced bottoms can often describe their known limits in very explicit detail. This is great for a Top, because they don't have to guess about limits or turn-ons, and negotiations for a scene can be accomplished very quickly.

Personally, I really take delight in a bottom who has a very well developed image of themselves and what they enjoy. Their internal strength can be used to my advantage if and when I decide I want to play with them. All too often, I hear about Tops who avoid these very strong bottoms and label them as being "pushy" or "trying to Top from the bottom." To me, this is more a sign of insecurity or inexperience on the part of the Top, not a fault of the bottom.

I'd like someone to show me where it is written that a bottom must not be self-aware and able to communicate what they know about themselves, their experience in the scene, and any other information they deem necessary for their personal safety.

If you can't tell already, it really bugs me to have wonderfully talented and experienced people labeled by other people who are just incapable dealing with their strength.

If you have a question about a bottom's abilities to submit, ask the bottom for references, and then check them. Do not rely upon the narrow-minded gossip of people who may not be properly qualified to evaluate the situation in the first place.

Strong bottoms with lots of self-awareness and self-confidence are safer to play with on both physical and psychological levels. The strong bottoms know how to communicate in the scene and you are far less likely to take them someplace they cannot go than you are with a bottom who isn't as self-aware. Most of the strong bottoms I know do not try to direct a scene; once a scene is negotiated they go with it unless they feel a need to communicate some problem.

One of the strongest bottoms I know is so strong that even when calling their safe word they are respectful in the extreme. To quote this bottom when calling their safe word, "Ahh, Sir, if you don't mind, I think I need to ask for mercy." I truly admire this bottom's ability to control themselves under the most extreme of circumstances.

I think it is great for a bottom to tell me that a cuff is too tight or too loose, that something I'm doing isn't working for them, etc. This level of communication gives me options and information that I might otherwise not have and allows me to play closer to both of our levels of intensity with greater reliability.

I believe also that these strong bottoms can be great educators in our unique style of loving, because they have the ability to help a Top find their own limits. Whoever it was that started trying to convince us that Tops can't ask bottoms for help or that bottoms should not offer help for learning new skills didn't do anyone any favors.

Okay, I said it: Tops have limits, too. Tops must recognize that they have limits and be willing to live with those limits. Some limits are due to lack of experience or training, others are emotional or mental. Regardless of the source, it requires some measure of mental and emotional stability to honor one's own limits.

A Top presented with someone they find attractive, myself included, may be tempted to play in areas outside their limits or skills. There may be nothing wrong with this as long as this is made known to the bottom. This gives the bottom the choice of helping the Top move forward into uncharted territory.

It is my belief and, based on my experiences from the few times I exceeded my own limits, that exceeding one's personal limits is not a wise course to follow unless you're working with a very, very strong bottom or you are being supervised by another Top who has skills in the area you are exploring. A Top or bottom being able to wait for good matches is a part of mental and emotional stability in my book.

Summary
So far I have only discussed the "safe" and sane" aspects of our style of loving. These issues are so interdependent on mental and emotional stability that they must be discussed together. A person who is not mentally or emotionally stable is taking some extreme risks with themselves and their partners if they attempt to engage in play while unstable. Instability can be caused by so many things that I cannot list them all, nor am I going to try.

Personally, I believe that, once reasonably stable, we each have a tendency to do the maintenance required to maintain that stability. Life being as exciting as it is, it can and does throw new things at us. Some of the more severe challenges can cause us to become temporarily unstable and we need to be mindful of these periods. Examples of the things that can affect us are employment changes, deaths, separations, divorces, or serious illnesses. During these challenged periods, it may be wise to refrain from playing at all. You'll have to be your own judge of your abilities.

The issue of "consensuality" is directly affected by mental and emotional stability. It is mental and emotional stability that forms the foundation upon which our ability to consent is built. Safety and sanity are the building blocks that consent is built from. In general, for a person to consent to an activity, it must be an activity that they consider safe and sane. If they also consider the person they are going to play with, Top or bottom, to be safe and sane, then there are few roadblocks to consenting to play with someone who is attractive, if they are of like mind.

The currency for discovering the levels of our potential partner's safety and sanity is honest communication. Honest communication is directly impacted by our self-image and understanding.