Article of Interest
Switches Rule... and Hurt Too!
(with tart commentary from readers)
"So here I stand, chest puffed up, muscle flexed, senses on
alert, ready to bitch-slap the hell out of a peer, a friend, a
sister, a brother. Yet my inner ego listens for my owner to
call me, for his needs, wants, and desires to always come
before mine. So does this make me a switch?"
~ Pharaohdawg
One of my favorite sayings of director and actor Woody Allen is: "Being
bisexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night." In the spirit
of Woody, I say "being a Switch also doubles your chance for a date on
Saturday night." (and, if you're a bisexual switch, you have four times
the chance)! Sounds easy no? You would think that the BDSM scene would welcome
Switches with open arms if only because we are so darn convenient to have
around, not unlike a spare dinner party guest who can fill in wherever
needed. Sadly it turns out that our cultural bias against things in the
middle such as bisexuality and androgyny also affect acceptance of people
who switch. One reader, Kay, says it well, "Switch or bisexual
may have four times the chance for a Saturday night date, but we must
also cope with four times the perceived indecisiveness, not to mention
being labeled selfish and greedy."
What is a Switch?
The quick and dirty definition of a Switch is someone in the BDSM scene
who likes to be both Top and Bottom, or Dominant and Submissive. Chantilly
says, "You have to consider that being a Switch is a very individual
thing, and that there is not one finite definition. If you put Dominance
on one end of the spectrum and submission on the other end, what happens
to those who fall within the middle ranges of that scale? Being a switch
is someone who is able to experience many facets of BDSM, from Dominance
to submission, and from sadomasochism to masochism. They find that they
can go from one to the other either without having to pause and reset
themselves or depending upon the individual relationships they
enjoy."
That sounds simple too if it were all a 50/50 thing, but the truth is
that people come to the experience of switching from quite a variety of
avenues. I myself am something of 85% Submissive and 15% Dominant, or as
I often say mischievously: "I'm Dominant when it's convenient."
Dominating is something of a fallback position more than a true vocation.
In other words, it's been useful in several different situations mostly
having to do with being able to better fulfill my partner's needs. For
example, when I was with Moby, I was in love with him first, and so
agreed to be dominant so that we could pursue a relationship. No one
has ever called me a "submissive" Submissive though, because
I'm such an assertive person. Cartia sounds like she is similar to me
when she says, "I drove my Masters crazy with the ever questioning
of why do you do this, why do you want this, explain this to me, educate
me. That's what makes me a Switch. I question and don't just do! But if
the explanation sounds reasonable I may just do it."
Another former partner, Griffin, was a switch himself, so we had a slightly
different arrangement. Although he was the primary Dominant in our relationship,
I dominated him on an as needed basis. This offered us the freedom to be
monogamous while also fulfilling all our needs. Mikey agrees with me,
although I think he takes a more pragmatic view, saying, "I don't
list myself as either dom or sub because you just never know, and I don't
like to limit any possibilities. I would hate to think that I missed out
on getting to know someone because of a label I put on myself. I always
tell people I meet in the scene that if you think I'm a sub, try to make
me yours; and if you think I'm dom, then try to become mine."
On the other hand, I approach things differently when I am the primary
Dominant in a relationship. I do not want my submissives to see me in a
submissive state myself. I'm not sure I understand it entirely myself,
but at some level I want his view of me to be unimpeded by having seen
me in a submissive position. When my own Submissive looks at me, I want
him to engage with me as a Mistress, not as a human being with needs and
weaknesses. Within the confines of our D/s experience, I want the paradigm
to be unconstrained. In contrast, Stevie takes a more laissez fair approach
to who's going to do what to whom, saying, "For me its just the natural
flow of spontaneity and serendipitous relationships that appear or disappear
like flowers blooming then fading away."
Should Every Dominant Submit?
There is an ongoing and seemingly everlasting discussion about whether a
Dominant should also experience what it's like to be a submissive. Many
Dominants practically shout that they "don't have a submissive bone
in their body."Mistress Sugar Kane takes a hard line on this however,
saying "I have had many an argument with many a 'I am Dominant only'
on this subject. My response is: I will never play with you then. I'm sorry,
but I truly feel you are not experienced enough to use any toy on me."
I am willing to bet that Mistress Sugar Kane has gotten more than a few
hard-line Dominants more than a bit riled up! Riled up or not, submitting
is still a time-honored method to understand, even if it is limited to the
most superficial and physical ways, what the Submissive is experiencing.
Mistress Sugar Kane adds that, "Anyone that wants to be a Dominant
must have first-hand knowledge of what submission and slavery is all
about. In order to do that they must experience being a submissive or
slave. If one has never felt subspace or how a toy feels when used,
how can they ever be a good Dominant? They can Dominate, but the
intensity will be limited because they have never experienced it
for themselves. This is particularly true regarding the need for
aftercare."
What an Advantage!
Convenience notwithstanding I couldn't help but wonder if readers
thought that switching was an advantage to their personal life. The
main practical advantage was mentioned to me by my editor Julian
Robinson who comments, "Guys, if you have an interest in playing
some kinky games with your girlfriend or spouse, letting her do unto
you first builds trust, and trust is what it's all about." He's
right about that, not just on the practical level but on the emotional
level which is the arena where the ability to switch really resonates.
Kay adds, "I had first-hand experience of the place where my
submissive was and surrendering to another. It gave me a truer
impression of her feelings and a keener perception of the flow
of the play." Similarly, Kissiah says that, "You also
gain a more intimate knowledge of what the other side can go through
emotionally. Seeing both sides of being punished doesn't make actually
doing the punishment any easier, however."
But Maybe Sometimes a Challenge
I'm not sure if all submissive women have had this experience, but I've
found that quite a number of submissive men hit on me trying to get me
to dominate them, even if that makes no sense. If they know I'm a switch,
they just hit all the harder. It's the ultimate in tacky behavior, but I
suppose it's the disadvantage of swinging both ways. One thing I have
found is that switching sometimes dilutes both my and my partner's
experiences because we know we can always "get back at"
the other person. This, by definition, makes the concept of controlling
or being controlled less real. I realized that I don't want to be able
to get my Dominant back for anything he did to me. I want him to be the
one in control. Knowing that control will be mine in an hour, or a day,
or a week changes the dynamic in a destructive way. In a related issue,
Kay says that she feels some sense of shortcomings in "being strict
enough or harsh enough" in relation to her partner once they had
switched. This might be said to be the reverse of getting someone back
for something.
Switches Getting Trashed
Many in the scene seem to feel it's acceptable to dismiss people who
switch because they feel it's "indecisive" or "you just
don't know what you want." This is a judgment that would never
happen to Dominants or Submissives simply by virtue of their orientation.
Julian Robinson says, "Switching is genderplay, but the genders
aren't male and female; they're dominant and submissive." To the
extent that our culture is uncomfortable with genderplay, this feeling
might be leaching over the switching side of things as well. Mistress
Sugar Kane feels that these judgmental souls are usually men, "They
often have a difficult time sharing feelings about themselves with others,
and a difficult time with any relationship because they have to be in
control all the time." Unfortunately an approach like this is doomed
to fail because all relationships, even D/s ones require compromise. Kissiah
has also had trouble with negative attitudes from men, "I think sometimes
male submissives are derogatory towards female switches, when the submissives
are looking for dommes. I've been told many times that I wasn't submissive
at all by male subs with a boner." If I were Kissiah I might counter
with: " This is simply the small minded thinking of misogynistic minds.
But each of us needs to do our part to validate our own choices and those
of every Switch. So do what you can to explain things." I'm not
excusing men, but I can see that there are far more pressures for men
in our culture to never show weakness. An attitude like this cannot by
definition be supportive of Switches, particularly male ones.
Switching at Public Events
One of the unique challenges to Switches is the problem of how to act
in public, particularly at events which utilize formal protocol. In
some forms of protocol, whether not someone is Dominant, Submissive,
or Switch is fundamental to how you treat them as a person. Julian
says, "Fixed, formal personas offer security and identity; if
you play only one role, it's possible to pretend that it's not a
role at all." The corollary to that would be that if you are
a switch and you're doing it in public, this forces others to also
acknowledge that all of these activities are indeed roles. Michael
would take it a step further, saying "Top or bottom? I'll do
either but they're things I do - not who I am."
Bott Walmer takes a more spiritual approach, saying, "Subjectively,
switching is quite harmonious, balancing, even. It only becomes a problem
when meeting unlike others." By this he means those of a limited
viewpoint, not non-BDSMers necessarily. To a certain extent it is easier
if people just choose one or the other in this kind of pubic situation
and simply think of it as when in Greece, do as the Greeks do. Kissiah
takes this tack as well, saying, "Part of the fun of a dungeon party
is actually being submissive and having protocol. I want to know who is in
dom or sub mode and sometimes you just cannot tell." In contrast, I
find that not knowing what someone's orientation is forces me to treat them
as human beings first, and not go off on some tangent related to their
orientation. I have a philosophical issue with insisting on knowing
someone's orientation because it means that you are treating someone
in a certain way based only on one aspect of their personality. Chantilly
adds, "Being a Switch confuses people, it blurs the line between black
and white, making a gray area that many people find difficult to operate
within. Nothing gets my dander up like a Dom who will not recognize me as
being there because he knows that I am a switch."
I don't hold with the kind of protocol that requires you to know such an
intimate thing about someone's personal life. It seems outrageous and
inappropriate to expect someone to share with a total stranger something
as intimate as whether not they like to spank or be spanked. I would prefer
not to know, and allow them to tell me whenever they are ready. I take the
same approach when I sign on to groups like alt.com. There they have a
checklist of every BDSM activity on the planet which I'm supposed to fill
out for anyone on the planet to read. Unless I have some kind of
exhibitionistic streak, how could it possibly be any stranger's
business whether or not I like being caned? Rebecca Brook, Moderator
of Leatherchurch and married to Julian Robinson, got it right when she
said: "Certain people in the scene just can't deal with permeable
boundaries, you know? I've taken a lot of grief too, for being a switch.
Once I was practicing with a signal whip in a club while wearing a collar,
and somebody walked up to me in evident agitation and said, 'Well -- what,
what ARE you?' 'A human,' I said."
Switching is a Variation of Ambiguity
I was in the locker room of my workout class a few weeks ago when I overheard
a friend telling the story of her daughter who had ended up dating a bisexual
man. She was bemoaning the "fact" that this man was surely cheating
on her daughter. I piped right in and said "just because someone is
bisexual doesn't mean that they are promiscuous." In her mind, the
two had somehow become merged, as if because you like both strawberry and
raspberry ice cream you simply could not live without both every single
day. Being bisexual is scary to these women because it doesn't fit into
a nice definable box, which lumps it together with other in-between things
like androgyny and switching. Julian puts it nicely when he says: "Switching
in BDSM can be like androgyny or bisexuality, limbo in a binary culture determined
to impose the almighty either/or." To get past this we will need to insist
over and over that the world is not black or white, and that people who make
judgments on us based solely on our switch nature are simply not people we
will associate with. Michael adds that, "The rejection of switches
goes beyond issues of ambiguity. A lot of people want some sort of defined
role with which they can identify. It took years of spiritual training and
discipline before I learned to free myself of attachments to roles, and my
life has become, if not simpler, at least much richer as a result."
Who Dominates Tonight?
In the absence of pre-defined roles, it can be complex to figure out who
will dominate in a particular scene. After all, if the Submissive initiates,
it might be seen as a dominant act instead. Julian's approach is this:
"During the hugging and kissing (how perverse!), one of us might make
a submissive gesture, like placing their hands on their head. Not knowing
in advance who'll be on top adds a delicious element of suspense."
Mistress Sugar Kane adds that: "Switches might ask each other, do you
feel subbie tonight or Dom tonight? If they can't agree, they might end up
rolling dice or flipping a coin." I know Switches like my friend Doug
who can switch "live" in scene, every few minutes or so. That's
something I haven't gotten the hang of, and probably don't want to. I like
to go deeply into my role and stay there. But while I was with Dominic, my
first partner, we usually took turns each evening. He started out dominating
me, then we'd take a break, then switch off. It's pretty easy for me to change
my headspace given a short time to re-set my orientation. The great advantage
of both being switches as we were, is that we could inspire each other, which
might be seen as the opposite of getting each other "back." Julian
puts it this way, "Hmm, I really liked how she mummified me in Saran
Wrap. Next time, I'll try that on her but I'll leave a few strategic
openings." Finally I add Bott Walmer's esoteric but on-target
approach to switching: "Can there be a sub/dom space for the same
moment of experience? I doubt it. Aggressive arousal and passive surrender
need
time
to percolate through one's being and make themselves known as contrasts,
existentially. So, switching is like low-frequency ultrasound - a kind
of recidivist dirty-dancing binary."
A Recidivist Dirty-Dancing Binary
Bott might have gone a bit over the edge with the recidivist dirty-dancing
binary metaphor, but he's right that we need to give ourselves time to
experience both dominating and submitting fully. Whether an advantage or
not in a play party or even just a dinner party, Switches will always be
there to offer the middle view, a place with many sweet gray shades.
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