Bible According to Kids

The following Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in).

• In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

• Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

• Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

• Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten amendments.

• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

• The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."

• Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

• Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

• When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

• Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

• Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

• St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

• He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone."

• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

• The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.

• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

• One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

• A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.