The Male Commandments

1. Thou shalt not rent Sleepless in Seattle.

2. When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be... is it appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.

3. When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

4. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothing.

5. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

6. When in need to go pee, there is a minimum of one empty urinal between you and another man. If this is not possible, you're out of luck ---hold it till later.

7. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%).

8. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

9. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

10. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

11. Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

12. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own--- weed whacker, car, firstborn child--- within 12 hours' notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don't notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.

13. It is OK to cry only during the following situations: When a heroic dog tries to save his master; The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse; After wrecking your boss' Ferrari; One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game; When you accidentally slice off your head in a band saw.

14. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

15. Do not torpedo single friends: If you're married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, "So when are you two gonna walk the plank?" punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your Rugrat's toys for two years.

16. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

19. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours.

20. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional).

21. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flight of stairs) divided by dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at the hot new neighbor chick.

22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

23. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

24. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

25. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who's playing.

26. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: "Yeah, baby, push it!"; "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"; "Another set and we can hit the showers."; "Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?"

28. It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model... and it's free.

29. When in a bar with a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend doesn't need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit).

30. Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the "family jewels."

31. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible "I recognize you" nod is all the conversation you need.

32. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

33. The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy need is a good butt-whipping." You may then stand back and enjoy.

34. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

35. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

36. If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully."