Dominant Advice

Rob Hart, 2000 © from BDSM_Virginia@egroups.com

A large part of what BDSM is about is putting more mental energy into sex. We plan so much else, why not a bit of sexual planning? To the extent the erotic lives of those involved in erotic power exchange are truly better than the general population, it's not due to kink but effort. What is most couples' "romantic weekend" but an effort to create space for intimacy, expand the desired elements of intimate interaction, take the concept of intimate interaction beyond simple intercourse and have true communication and togetherness? This is also what good power exchange is about. Thoughtful BDSM is about increasing the level of eroticism and sexuality in your life, creating an ongoing sexual backdrop. It is about feeling and being more sensual and sexual. It's not the only way to do this but it's a fun one. Many of the considerations that go through my mind before playing have little overtly to do with alternative sexuality, but I believe they are critical to a good time. I share these thoughts as possible advice to other Dominants, in particular males. They are often presented in the first person as they are very much my instruction to myself. Anyone else has to make their own choices.

Information
The best advice I can give is to pursue information endlessly. The two books I most recommend are "On the Safe Edge" by Trevor Jacques et al. a good general purpose safety book and "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" by Miller and Devon is a good general manual and introduction. I have linked on the main page a number of Internet sites that also offer information. I suggest generally that you try to confirm sensitive information from multiple independent sources before relying on it. There are differences of opinion over the safety of some forms of play and you should not rely on only one source. Understand the Woman, and Make Her Understand You She's still a woman, and in some ways more of one. Don't forget all the advice anyone ever gave you about women and don't neglect to learn more about them, their bodies, their health and how they differ from men. At the same time, don't forget to ensure she has an ongoing project to learn more about you as well. It can be rather fun to ask, from time to time, what a submissive has learned about you (although with a perceptive submissive who is clever in how she respectfully puts things, it can be daunting as well). It's trite but true, women's sexual arousal and responsiveness is more diffused throughout their bodies than men's. Caress, touch, stroke and awaken her. The difference between your caress and a vanilla man's is that one often comes as she lies in restraint, blindfolded and thus focused all the much more on the sensation. Men and women both have an advantage over each other which becomes a handicap if we aren't careful. We both have far more opportunity to know our own responses then the others'. One wonderful opportunity being Dominant gives, which anyone can have but is easier for a Dominant, is the chance to examine, probe and test in depth a woman's erogenous zones and sexual responses. Having her stimulate herself can be very educational learning at least one way she is used to achieving climax (and different women do so differently, this is a learning process to do with each partner). An incidental reason why BDSM may provide for greater female sexual satisfaction is simply that it often constitutes protracted foreplay and women who receive protracted foreplay are more likely to climax. Statistical analysis suggests on average, women are most likely to climax (93%) if they receive 21 minutes or more of foreplay, individual results may vary of course and this does not account for particular difficulties some women may experience. The typical woman gets 15 to 20 minutes of foreplay (this data is from the 1970s), *sigh*. Learn how she communicates things, both her general emotions and desires as well as erotic ones. Is she more verbal or nonverbal? Does she show what she wants by doing the same to or for you? Does she try to get what she wants by creating the opportunity for you to do it? Requiring her to engage in other forms of communication than her naturally preferred method may be a fun form of expansion and play but also a form of stress for her to take care about.

Understand the Submissive
A submissive shouldn't get to script things (what's the fun of being a sub then)? But should have a chance to communicate the elements hoped for -- verbal play, bondage, toys. A submissive's ability to communicate in this area and form of communication may vary. Part of what some submissives like is the fact they can get what they want without initiating it or asking for it. Done right, with submissives of this sort, exploring their expression of their desires is itself a kind of play that can be very enjoyable. A very basic thing to find out or establish via early play and exploration is whether a submissive is 'pushy' or Sammy (Smart-Assed Masochist) and tries to push your buttons. This needs to be caught and dealt with early or things will go down the wrong track. If she is a submissive (as opposed to physical bottom), don't deny her the chance to serve and to please by putting being very explicit about the Dominant role of your pleasure. Make sure she understands that from binding her to flogging her to her satisfying you, it is all for your pleasure. Many submissives will derive great satisfaction from pleasing and knowing they please a Dominant. This is not a license for ignoring her needs but rather a wonderful coincidence of both your needs. Don't forget your own inner needs in this process. Chances are you don't completely want to live in the fantasy of "whipping her for your pleasure" but do want and need her to sometimes express how much she enjoys the experience. The truth is, when things are done right, she is getting much more intense satisfaction from that particular activity than you obtain. This is one reason why, in all fairness, you are justified in having her work very hard in other areas to please you. A more subtle area to understand is interaction with masculinity and femininity. D/s is not just about power, Master and slave, it is also about masculinity and femininity. Submissives react with these concepts in different ways and understanding how a submissive female reacts with femininity and submission is important. Some may react with a stereotype, others may react against it, and everyone reacts with somewhat different aspects of the stereotype. The whole interaction of D/s power exchange, whether Maledom or Femdom, gay or straight, plays with traditional male-female roles. In terms of deeper understanding, people are what they are and you can go a long way simply accepting what they are, want and need. However, to go the furthest, and to go most safely, it's best to think about the why and how of it. Be careful with this exploration, for it is really more your submissive's own voyage than yours. Don't be amateur psychoanalyst, and don't commit the error of disrespecting the freewill of the person before you by assuming they are a machine programmed by their past. As a Dominant I look to be confidant and friend when it comes to soul searching, not professional.

Build Trust
The essence of Safe, Sane and Consensual play is not only its primary objective of respecting humanity, freewill, and the value of every individual but also making play more fun. When a submissive has confidence in her safety she can enjoy herself far more, and venture far further. When a Dominant knows she has that confidence, he can push more easily and readily. I have also found, coincidentally, that frankness and openness in the sexual sphere and trust with what we often let no one know about us in these ways can help create honest and open communication generally in a relationship. Several years ago I attended one of the seminars put on in Toronto by the Safe SM Project (see the links on main page). I was already deeply involved by that point but found it useful. Among the food for thought I gathered was the statement of one participant, which (with allowance for poor memory) was, "What I find in these relationships that I simply can't do without is utter honesty." Of course, there are liars and cheats in the community but if you're inclined to honesty, the nature of a power exchange relationship can really move things in that direction and overcome some of the natural reticence people often have about feelings.

Cleanliness
Just as I expect her to be fresh and sweet, smooth and clean, I take some steps in that regard myself personally and generally. In addition to a shower for me, clean towels and sheets are in order for bathroom and bedroom. I often make something of a ritual of inspecting a submissive (if I'm not too busy devouring her whole) and although her inspections of me are made in an entirely different context I don't want her to be displeased either. During play I'm often doing things that require washing my hands before continuing with other things (there's a reason little girls are taught to always wipe front to back). Pump soap bottles are much better than bars of soap for these purposes and somewhat reassuring to a submissive houseguest. This is simply a logical continuation of good safety rules with toys. Remember, when washing your hands do so for at least 30 seconds in order to have good cleansing effect. Another elementary area of cleanliness is all insertional toys. First, for cleanliness as well as ritual and emotional connection, every submissive deserves her own 'toy collection.' Remember that "clean" and "sterilized" are not the same thing. Truly sterilizing something is quite difficult. This is the major reason for individualizing toys. Early in my experience I saw a Dominant insert a previously used toy in a new submissive's most vulnerable (for transmission of disease) orifice. I never again had anything to do with that Dominant. You can reassure a new submissive of your sanity and trustworthiness by letting her see you take a toy out of its original packaging (although like clothes, toys should be washed first even when new). Shopping for new toys is an easy sort of public play, and sending her shopping is an easy task to delegate, so building a new collection fits easily into training. Toys should be divided into front door and backdoor. They may, during play, migrate from the former to latter but once backdoor should remain there permanently (in the category, not the orifice). This is a particular area on which to get good information.

Tidiness
Ask women what they first think as they enter a man's abode and most will say "whether or not it's a mess." Beneath the veneer of eroticism, education, professionalism, playfulness and gentlemanly manners I'm a guy. Which is to say chairs make convenient clothes hangers, it's always more sensible to wait and do three days' worth of dishes at once and I'll get around to taking last weekend's paper down to the recycling bin sometime just not right now? However, I'm a guy who knows that things out of place catch the eye and distract from the mood. That on her knees a submissive can see whether or not my bookcase shelves have been dusted or the floor vacuumed, and in either case be distracted from the exploration of sensuality by such niggling odds and ends. Aside from that, it doesn't hurt to tidy up from time to time -- and it's rather nice to have a reason to keep doing it. I'm also a guy who knows it's a good idea to impress her as a woman not just as a submissive.

Time
Time is a collar around all our necks, but I prefer to allow it into a submissive's thoughts only at my discretion. Removing her watch is one of the first things I do when asserting active control over a submissive for play, and whether because they are turned away or she is blindfolded I do not let her see clocks. If she removes her watch, that can also be a discrete signal to me about her willingness to play. If she needs to be somewhere at a certain time, ensuring she keeps to her schedule is part of my responsibility. I do not want a submissive thinking "hmmm, its been 10 minutes and I know he never keeps the nipple clamps on longer than 15, so 5 left to go" but rather "it seems like forever." She should be lost in the moment, not counting how many moments are left. Timing and tempo are also matters to consider on several levels. At the macro-level, good scenes have an ebb and flow in them and you should work with that in mind. Similarly, arousal and sexual tension are matters where timing is important. At the micro-level however, regular timing can be counterproductive. Discipline delivered with a monotonous, unvarying pace, or on a regular cued behavior, becomes predictable to the submissive. Part of the excitement of being a submissive is not simply "lack of control" but the element of "unpredictability" that comes with being under someone's power. Even if she has no control, if something becomes predictable she is not experiencing a key element of what drives her need. You can find as a Dominant that your feeling of power increases considerably when you realize you can do something as simple as vary the pace of a flogging. I make a distinction of macro and micro level because in the larger sense I think that good timing is important to physical and psychological elements of arousal and satisfaction, while in the smaller sense submitting to unpredictability is an important part of power exchange. Grabbing her by surprise can be exciting for both of you; but if you don't consider the physiological need for enough arousal and stimulation to ready her for intercourse the surprise may become painful. Although not as obvious, readiness for intercourse is as physical a matter for women as for men. Thus Unpredictable Surprise -> Intercourse is not a good idea, but Unpredictable Surprise

With Shared Love of the Lifestyle,
Rose