PRIVATE LOGIC AND LIFESTYLE

NOTE: The word lifestyle is not the usual use of the word in the BDSM community. It is the original definition as coined by Adler. You can substitute the word personality for lifestyle.

One of the major concepts of B.E.S.T. slave training is the relationship between a slave’s private logic and her choice of lifestyle.

Private logic is the way we see ourselves, others, and life and is our personal philosophy that our lifestyle is based upon. It is our “innermost” beliefs that effect higher level thinking, emotions and behavior. It is described as core beliefs by some and are the central themes of life. It is why we maintain our lifestyle and why we resist change.

Private logic includes our core beliefs. Private logic contributes to the belief that you are on the right course of action and includes your goals.

The lifestyle is the way of thinking, seeing, feeling toward life and is synonymous with what is called personality. Adler (1956, pp 187-188). It is the guide toward life goals and why all our total (or behavior as a whole) is what it is. It is comprised of both conscious and subconscious mind. The habits we form are in support of your lifestyle and help us find our place in the world.

No two people develop the exact same lifestyle. In striving for goals, each of us develop a unique lifestyle. This concept explains why our behavior fits together to provide consistency in our actions. It also explains why human behavior has a purpose and is goal directed.

Permanent change in lifestyle involves a change in private logic as the two are interconnected. Changing the slave’s private logic involves the examination of core beliefs. Much of private logic and core beliefs are subconscious or at least barely conscious. Emotional happiness evolves around being happy in our lifestyle. The Master must identify, understand and change, if necessary, the private logic of the slave.

Lifestyle is a set of convictions or attitudes we create in order to help us find our place in the world.

Lifestyle convictions can be broken down into four areas also called clusters of beliefs:

1. self-concept - who one is and self-worth The convictions about “I.” (I am …. I am not … I do … I do not …) Self-concept is the anchor upon which we make comparisons. Appraisals and assessments. Self-concept is set in the present with key elements of the past included.
2. self-ideal - who you would like to be; Connected to ones life goal. In order to have a place, I should ….. or In order to belong, I should … Self-ideal is at the center of adaptation. Self-ideal is future oriented.
3. picture of world - what your relationship with the environment is, how you believe the world works. (Life is - - People are -- The world is --)
4. ethical convections.- your personal code of how you and others should behave. (This is right to do)

Self-concept is the way we view yourselves. Many believe it has a central role in determining how one behaves.

If self-concept falls short of self-ideas, we have feelings of inferiority.

If self-concept falls short of your picture of the world, we have feelings of inadequacy.

If self-concept falls short of ethical convictions, we have feelings of guilt.

Thus, the slave's self-concept and any areas in which she falls short should be examined.

The lifestyle does not define behavior, but acts as a limiter or expander of behavior.

The three core functions of lifestyle are:

1. help understand life
2. help predict life
3. provide opportunity to control life

Understanding of lifestyle convictions of a slave is the key to true knowledge about her. By obtaining an insight into the slave’s self-concept, self-ideal, picture of the world and ethical convictions the Master has the knowledge to change her lifestyle.

PROTECTING THE "SELF" OR SAFEGUARDING BEHAVIOR

Safeguarding behavior is how a person tries to protect the “self” from the following threats:

1. Physical
2. Social
3. The fear of loss of self-esteem

Six primary safeguarding operations:

1. Symptoms - developed to avoid some task or challenge for which we feel ill prepared. It is used to safeguard self-esteem, exempt us from responsibility and engage others.
2. Aggression - a course an individual takes in order to move toward a goal.
3. Distance Seeking - a) moving back is avoiding a challenge, b) standing still is buying time, c) hesitations keep one in place and allow for baby steps. d) the act of creating obstacles to prevent one from moving forward until someone else has already moved forward.
4. Anxiety – avoiding meeting a challenge to safeguard self esteem.
5. Exclusion Tendency – narrowing down one's approach to life.
6. Excuses – Avoiding a feeling of defeat and protecting the pride system.

Perceived Dangers and Defensive Patterns:

People have nine perceived dangers that they defend themselves against:

1. defective
2. being exposed
3. incurring disapproval
4. being ridiculed
5. being taken advantage off
6. getting necessary help
7. submitting to order
8. facing responsibility
9. facing unpleasant consequences

If any of the above nine perceived dangers exist, a person will engage in one or more of these defense patterns:

1. Externalization – blaming life and others for the problem
2. Blind spots – choosing not to see
3. Excessive self-control – an attempt to avoid feelings
4. Arbitrary rightness – “I’m right, you’re wrong.” "I’m right and don’t confuse me with the facts”
5. Elusiveness and confusion – “I’m not gong to be pinned down” and if you can't be pinned down, then you can’t be wrong, “double talk” is often used
6. Retreat – withdrawing from demands
7. Contrition and self-disparagement - pretending to blame themselves. Saying “I’m sorry” in the hopes of being forgiven without being held accountable. They hope the harder they beat themselves, the less others will.
8. Suffering – It can be a form of manipulation, justification or self-glorification.
9. Sideshows – Instead of focusing on the main issue, it’s an attempt to shift attention to a second and less important issue. A method of avoiding the real issue.
10. Rationalization – Using reason to excuse themselves from acknowledging defeat, deficiencies or bad behavior.
11. Intellectualizing – keeping people at a distance by talking about the abstract for the purpose of avoiding feelings.
12. Identification – gaining self-esteem through the action or observing the actions of others.
13. Buying double insurance – Setting up a “win-win” situation; playing it double safe.
14. Literalism – If I take everything serious, I can encourage others to be careful around me. If told to do something, I do it to the letter of the instructions and not the spirit of it.
15. Fantasy – daydreaming
16. Displacement – “kicking the dog” when you are mad at someone else. It allows the individual to evade dealing with the real problem.
17. Doctrine of balance – belief that providence provides a balance to give us self-esteem. “She is a beautiful blond, therefore she is dumb.”
18. Reaction formation – Posturing the opposite of what we really believe and feel.

LIFE TASKS:

Life tasks represent a person’s relationship with the world. People meet life tasks according to their lifestyle. The life tasks are work task, social task, sexual task, self task, spiritual task, and family task. Another definition of life task is work, friendship, love, spiritual and self.

Most of the above information came from:

"A Primer of Adlerian Psychology: The Analytic – Behavioral - Cognitive Psychology of Alfred Adler", H. Mosak and M. Maniacci, (1999) Brunner/Mazel, Philadelphia, PA

"Adlerian Counseling: A Practitioner’s Approach 4^th Edition", T. J. Sweeney, PhD, (1998), Accelerated Development, Philadelphia, PA

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