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Labels We need language to communicate, and you needs words for language. It's not worth drawing blood over, but we do have to keep trying to come to a general agreement about what our own terms mean. We can't leave it up to people who don't understand us to come up with the labels, because they won't be kind *or* accurate. For the sake of better understanding and more precise language we have to keep trying to agree. Until we agree, it's impossible to successfully promote our self-definitions and make ourselves clear to outsiders who might be trying to be sympathetic. Nowadays one does not have to earn the title Master or Mistress. It's simply a convenience. Stop saying "In the golden old days, in the before times, when being a master really meant something and the Old Guard ruled the earth..." la dee da. Those days never happened like that. It's a myth, and it's not the way things are now, and it's not the way they are going to be, either. Go ahead and call yourself Master This or Mistress That... who does it hurt? Nobody. To show respect, it's OK to address dominants as sir or ma'am, but dominants shouldn't expect these courtesies from people who aren't their own subs (or people who want to be their subs). I don't care how big you think you are, "Master Joe Blow", you are still just Joe to me, and you can call me Laura. There are some terms that people generally agree about.
Anyone who doesn't agree with the majority and with all of the how-to-manuals about these terms is just plain out-of-step. How you personally express your dominance and submission is very individual, but what those words mean is not. Please everybody, just Get On The Bus. The term Domme for a woman dominant is not generally accepted and I personally don't like it. We don't need girlie terms for female doctors or astronauts... a doctor is a doctor, an astronaut is an astronaut, and IMHO a dominant is a dominant. Dom for short. DomM for a male, DomF for a female. I would like to see all sex-segregated terms retired. A female slave is not a slavee' or a slavess, so... you know. A female sub is not a subbette or a subbess, so... you know. Why have frilly pink terms for a dominant just because she's female? It's 21st century: please cut that twentieth-century stuff out. "Domme" is especially awkward since people can't agree on how to pronounce it in speech. I have heard people defending Dom, Domme, Dom-may, and Dome-may. May I respectfully suggest we just drop its use completely? It's not a useful word if it only adds to the confusion. Why not just go back to *Dame*? Dame is a perfect word, (not slang but) a true word of the oldest root stock, that already has a solidly accepted definition: dame (d³m) n. 1. Used as a courtesy title for a woman in authority or a mistress of a household. 2.a. A married woman; a matron. b. An elderly woman. 3. Slang. A woman. 4. Chiefly British. a. A woman holding a nonhereditary title conferred by a sovereign in recognition of personal merit or service to the country. b. The wife or widow of a knight. [Middle English, from Old French, from Latin domina, feminine of dominus, lord, master.] Any woman who rules her own household is a Dame; that's the number one definition! An especially outstanding Dame, or one who is a leader among Dames would be called a Grand Dame. An exemplary Dame might be called a Great Dame. :) Used in a sentence: "She's more than a Grand Dame, she's a Great Dame!" Other poisoned terms which I feel should be retired: "Dominatrix" (dominatrice). Too closely associated with the pro scene to be useful in identifying a non-pro dominant woman. "Domina" also is used so much by pros that I think all non-pros should just let them have it and call it a day. It is disturbing that to identify a woman who is not available for rent we have to call her a non-anything, like she is lacking in some way. A dominant woman, a sadistic woman, and a woman who is a BDSM top are firmly, positively, something definite which is not cute and girlish. A woman who is a bondage master, that is, a master of the art, can certainly be called a master. The term mistress is tainted, but I tolerate it because of its antiquity. The word mistress is not going away, and I'm OK about that. It would be useful to have better words to describe a dominant who is barely past 18 or who just picked up a whip for the first time yesterday. How about "initiate" or "recruit"? If the initiate is actually being taught by somebody, then he/she becomes an "acolyte" or an "apprentice". I'm talking words for novice Doms which should not to be used as terms of abuse to dismiss inexpert Doms who are limp-wristed and/or half-assed. We really need a special insulting term for psuedo-doms male and female. You know the type: guy's only in it for the blowjobs, gal's only in it to get her housework done for her? People who are users who are totally uninterested in the art and the subculture of BDSM. They don't have years of experience: they have the same damn year over and over. How about "duminant"? A dominant or submissive who is expert or exemplary might be called an "avatar". These are the folks who know what the heck is what, and they are a good example, even if they don't set out to play a formal leadership role. If people want a respectful term for someone who is really wise and respected, then how about something like Mahatma? That is a word which can be used for either men or women, either tops or bottoms, who are knowledgeable and venerated. That's the kind of word we really need right now, as much as we need the kind of people we'd attach it to. What we don't need is more frilly pink labels to pin onto glorious, terrifying, Amazonian dominant DAMES. This essay and all site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 -2001 |
