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Lord Saber's
Views On Being A Novice Dom
Lord Saber offers advice to Male (and Female)
Dominants new to the scene
This column is one I originally wrote for a
friend's web site three or four years ago. I reread
it recently and discovered that for the most part
the advice I have listed in here still holds true.
So you're a novice Dom? Congratulations and
welcome aboard! It is always nice to greet a fellow
Dom. But before you get out them whips and start
addressing every sub by "On your knees slut!" there
are a few things I'd like to say. You may be nervous
or scared. I know it took me a lot of years before I
gathered up my courage and joined
Society of Janus
some eleven plus years ago now. I'd had fantasies of
tying up and erotically tormenting women for years;
those images scared the hell out of me at times.
Just remember it's perfectly ok to be scared.
When you first start out, take 'baby steps,' just
go a little at a time. With that in mind, I have
below a list of thoughts: Learn! Learn all that you
can! When I first got into SM, I decided I'd learn
all I could about BDSM. There's a number of ways to
do this:
-
Talk to different Male Dominants you know.
Find people whose opinions you trust and
respect. Every Dom has a different perspective
on doing SM. In the so-called "olden" days,
everyone (Dominant or submissive) started out as
a sub, so they would see what it was like to
sub! Even now, I believe every Dom should try
bottoming or submitting at least once to see
what it's like. You don't have to "enjoy"
it per se; it's just a good experience. Along that same
line, talk to female Dominants too! And novice
Fem Dommes, talk to your male counterparts. It's
amazing sometimes what you can learn from
talking with them! Especially if they, like you,
enjoy play with women. It's always such a joy to
trade ideas back and forth! {E.G.}
-
Join your local SM group. If you live in an
area that has a SM group, JOIN. This is one of
the best places to meet like-minded folk and
also learn more by attending programs. Even if
your city doesn't have a SM group, more and more
places are having munches. While they may not
have quite the 'information exchange' a regular
group does, it's a start and opens up the door
for you to learn more. Check out my groups web
site (
http://www.tdl.com/~thawley/smgroups.html
)
for a good list of SM groups in North America
(if you're elsewhere, sorry!). Munches are also
advertised on the Internet newsgroup,
Soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm
.
-
Go to play parties. If there's a play party
in your area and you get invited, go. Remember
to be on your best behavior if you do attend it.
Nobody likes a Dom who doesn't respect other
people's boundaries. The parties will have a
list of rules; read them and follow them. If you
see a sub you'd like to play with, it's ok to
politely approach her. However, if she says no
to your offer to play, respect that and walk
away. One thing I like about play parties is the
opportunity to watch scenes going on. Again this
can be done discreetly; don't stand two feet
away and stare. People doing the scene will call
you "energy vampires," people who just
watch but never play. However, if you maintain a
safe distance and watch, it's amazing the things
you can pick up watching others play. If you watch a
Top and like the ways (s) he plays, emulate what
they do that you like. Remember, emulate but
don't copy what they do. Strive to develop your
own style.
-
Read about SM. Another way to learn is by
reading instructional SM books. There's of
course "old standards" like
SM 101
and
Screw the Roses
. Another good book is the
Lesbian SM Safety Manual
. It contains great safety information about playing
with women. It was the first SM book I ever bought. Of
course, now it's out of print (grumble). Look for it at
used bookstores or on used bookstore web sites.
There are lots of other good SM books out there,
and it seems there are new ones coming out all
the time. There are also tons of BDSM web sites
that have good information. A couple other
pieces of advice:
-
Don't judge others' scenes as being too
heavy or too 'yucky.' You never know when you
decide something that months ago caused you to
say "Yuck!" turns into something you'd
like to try now! It's happened to me a few times!
{g}
-
Find an experienced sub as your first play
partner. This isn't absolutely necessary, but if
you can find such a treasured creature, great!
She can 'teach' you a little bit about playing.
And don't be afraid to let her teach you. I was
lucky; my first play partner was like this. I
just appreciated being able to explore my
fantasies with this sub and know if I went
farther than she was ready, she would call a
safe word on me. :)) It's ok to let her teach
you while you are learning. However, if your sub
is a novice like yourself, don't worry. Even
novice subs can teach you something. One of the
joys of this scene is that novices can learn
from veterans and vice versa.
Sometimes it can be fun to learn together. A
major problem of course with the online world are
those pesky HNG's (Horny Net Geeks) who seem to
masquerade as Doms. Don't be one of them! When
online, don't ever message a submissive without
asking permission on channel. I can't stress enough
how far politeness goes. After all, you want a sub
to respect you right? Why should they if you refuse
to show them any?
OK, let's say that you've spent time learning,
reading and going to programs, and now you've met
some really hot-looking sub and decided you're
interested in playing with that person. So now what?
Well, first off you of course need to arrange to
meet at some neutral location to talk further.
Depending on where you meet, it's also considered a
good idea to let a friend know you're meeting
somebody and set up what's known as a "safe call." A
safe call is a friend who knows about your meeting
and what to do if you don't "check in."
Suffice to say it's not a bad idea for both
people involved to do this when meeting someone new.
If your new friend needs to make a safe call when
you meet then let her! If you don't, she'll
interpret this as a red flag and will want to leave.
During that initial meeting you should find out
what they like and what you like and see if you can
find SM-related activities you both enjoy. This of
course is what's known as negotiation and countless
others have discussed this much better than I can.
When you do play, set up safe words. Go slowly.
To paraphrase my friend Jay Wiseman in
SM 101
, "It's better to end a scene with the sub
wanting more than to have the scene end badly.'
Respect a sub's safe word. If you do that, the sub
will be much more willing to play with you again. A
real Dom respects safe words. And equally important,
a real Dom respects limits. When a sub tells you her
limits, respect them! A real Dom also practices safe
sex with their partners. Guys, I realize condoms and
gloves can be a pain in the ass, but consider the
alternatives! And I'm sorry but STD's are NOT my
idea of a good time! In closing, I wish you the
best. Go at the pace at which you're comfortable and
you'll do fine.
Until next time,
All Material Copyright © 2002 Lord Saber
All Rights Reserved - Used by Permission
LordSaber
is a male Dominant who has been in the San Francisco
Bay Area SM scene for ten years and is the former
Society of Janus
WebMaster
source:
http://www.tdl.com/~thawley/
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