Ten Things I Wish I’d Known About

A Safety Guide for BDSM Beginners - Written with the benefit of hindsight by elle finn

1. SSC-BDSM: SSC stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. Discovering SSC-BDSM opened up a whole new world for me to explore my submissive sexuality in a caring and responsible way. To find out more about the world of SSC-BDSM I recommend a visit to http://www.informedconsent.co.uk
2. Good Dominant Guides: Jade compiled a useful list of good Dominant traits for the Castle Realm website, there is also a useful complementary list of good submissive traits compiled by Lord Colm. They are remarkably similar and trustworthiness, honesty and responsibility are high on the agenda for both Dom and sub. Two traits of Dominants I think are best avoided are: 1. Dominants who don’t give out bonafide contact details. 2. Dominants who don’t make safety issues a priority.
3. Safe Meeting Guides: You can find these on the Internet. There is a good one on the subNATION site called “Safety First”. Two important rules for meeting someone for the first time are: 1. Meet somewhere public and neutral. 2. Don’t play on the first date. Munches are generally good, safe places to meet up with someone. The Informed Consent UK website is a good place to find out about munches going on around the country.
4. Negotiating Limits: There is a play checklist of BDSM activities that new players sometimes use when deciding what it is they would like to try and what they want to avoid. A copy of it is included in the “Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns” book by Philip Miller and Molly Devon (Connecticut, Mystic Rose, 1995). In my experience the more fantasies and turn-offs are discussed prior to playing the more chance there is the scene (BDSM play session) will run smoothly and happily. An important thing to remember is that limits can be re-negotiated as a relationship develops.
5. Safe Calls: This means arranging for someone to call, or for you to call someone, at an arranged time during the scene, to make sure you’re all right. Key, pre-agreed phrases are used, one means you’re all right, the other means you’re in trouble.
6. Silent Alarms: A silent alarm is the person who is in receipt of your safe call and who will notify the police if the safe call isn’t made. If you don’t know anyone personally who can act as a silent alarm, some active community members sometimes act as volunteer silent alarms. We have a volunteer silent alarm system set up on the submissive sisters site.
7. Safe Play Guides: Any BDSM activity you are interested in should have its own safety guidelines and you should be able to find them on them on the Internet, a good place to start looking is the Informed Consent UK website. “Screw the Roses” has a lot of useful safety information, especially concerning Bondage and Discipline. Two important safety rules for first scenes are 1. Make sure someone, a friend or a relation, knows where you are. 2. Make sure you have a way out, in case you need to escape.
8. Safe Words and Control Words: A safe word is a word you or your partner has chosen to mean that if it is used, all play should stop immediately. It is important to have one that is memorable. A safe signal can be used instead, if you are not in a position to speak. Control words have shades of meaning, most commonly used is the traffic light system of control words. Green means you’re all right and the Dom can continue. Yellow means you’re reaching your limits and the Dom should slow down. Red means you’ve reached your limits and the Dom should stop.
9. Aftercare: It’s OK to want a cuddle afterwards or even a cry. My first Dominant was a bit suspicious of me wanting aftercare, but I’ve since realised that having a cry, a cuddle or a bit of comfort when you’re coming down from an intense SM scene is an important part of WIITWD (What It Is That We Do).
10. Myself: I have found that the better I know myself, the more I understand other people. The better I feel about myself and my submissive nature, the more I seek out someone who will nurture my feelings rather than abuse or avoid them.

A SubVerse Writers Creation: http://www.elle.finn.btinternet.co.uk/SubVerse.htm