All You Need to Know

by Tamar Kay

You walk into the monthly meeting or party. Someone gives you a look, then whispers to a person nearby. You tense, then relax as you overhear them say something like: "What I wouldn't give to play with her. She's supposed to be incredible."

You may have to watch your ego, but those are problems you want to have. If you're serious about being a good player, whether top, bottom or switch, you want to be wanted. You'll need experience, of course, but how else do you, as a relative newcomer, get from where you are to being the sort of partner that people (or the right person) will seek out (and whisper nice things about?)

All you need to know is -- well, everything.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you what I think you should know in a few hundred words a month in this monthly newsletter. Even if I had thousands of words a day, and could offer private lessons too, it would be only this woman's opinion. What you need to do is to learn from many sources, and think about and practice what you learn.

I'm going to suggest some written resources here that I find valuable or that others have recommended to me. Ill tell you where I think you can get them (although there are no doubt other places, too. Its not a sacred list, its just my list.

So check 'em out. Study. Get good at your craft, be honest and considerate, and you'll get those looks and whispers. SM101, by Jay Wiseman. Even at $25.00, this book is a great deal, and is considered by many to be the best single reference around. It goes over all the basics, yet is worth reading no matter what your level of experience. (Available at Spartacus and through JT Toys catalog.)

DIFFERENT LOVING, by Gloria and William Brame. This is a survey of different aspects of d/s, with a gentle approach and personal essays in each section. If you're not sure of where your interests lie, this book can be a great help. (Available at the Crimson Phoenix.)

THE SEXUALLY DOMINANT WOMAN: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners, by Lady Green. A reference for woman who are just starting as tops. (JT Toys catalog.)

THE LEATHERMAN'S HANDBOOK II, by Larry Townsend. This is a cultural and technical exploration of the gay men's leather scene but discusses issues relevant to serious players of all orientations. (Spartacus and from JT Toys.)

LEARNING THE ROPES, by Race Bannon. "A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/M Lovemaking." (Spartacus and JT Toys.)

THE HISTORY OF THE ROD, by (the Reverend) William M. Cooper. The author of this turn-of-the-century history wants it known that this is "neither for the prurient nor the prudish." If you think that BDSM is a recent development, think again. This history travels from convent to bedroom and includes drawings. (I found my copy at Powell's, but that was a long time ago, and the book appears to be out of print. Check your favorite used bookstore. ISBN 1-85326-918-2) JT Toys -- send $2 for catalog (worth it) -- 4649 1/2 Russell Ave, LA CA 90027 -- 1-800-755-8697 -- friendly and helpful.

Copyright (c) Tamar Kay 1995. Permission granted to reprint this article in its entirety with byline. (A copy of the publication would be appreciated.)

Tamar Kay may be contacted via RCDC, PO Box 1370, Clackamas