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The Beginner's Guide to Dominance and Submission by James Bryant , assisted by Sandra Bryant
(Revised version) Contents
This is a handbook for people to learn more about a type of relationship known as Dominance and Submission. We do not pull punches or try to soften the language used. If you are easily offended, do not continue reading this Guide. We are writing this from the experiences of others and our own experiences. This is by no means an endorsement of this lifestyle. It is meant as a guide to those who seek a greater understanding, or who are interested, but don't know how to start. The usage of "him" and "her" are from our own experience. Do not take it to mean the male is dominant every time. There are many successful D/s relationships where the female is the Dominant, or in same sex relationships where one is dominant and the other submissive regardless of gender. Return to Contents
Dominance and Submission (D/s) is an alternative relationship in which a Master or Dom controls the actions, emotions, and will of the slave, or submissive, often referred to as "sub". D/s does not necessarily refer to the sex act itself. D/s is more akin to a seduction. The Master seduces the slave with his power, the slave seduces the Master with their willingness and servitude. Sex does occur in the relationship, but in this Guide, we are discussing the lifestyle, not sexual practice. "Slave" and "sub", as well as "Master" and "Dom" are not directly interchangeable titles. The differences will be gone into later in this guide. A D/s relationship consists of two people who are mutually consenting adults who agree on a direction for their relationship. They agree that one of the partners will take the dominant, controlling role, and the other partner, the submissive, controlled role. Just like in any other relationship, it is a two way street, though to outsiders, it may not seem so. The Master relies on the slave as much as the slave relies on the Master. They are dependent on each other to satisfy their own needs. Each partner has different needs, as defined by their role as Dom or sub, but each is satisfied, though in different ways. Each couple will have their own set of agreements. This Guide talks about ours, but every D/s relationship is different. However, there are some basic rules that are universal. Return to Contents
Dominance and Submission are not to be confused with Sadomasochism. To make this more clear, we are including these basic definitions. They are taken from the American Heritage Dictionary.
If you ignore the terms "perversion" and "abnormal" in the above definitions, you can still see that nowhere in the definition of dominate or submit do you have pain as an integral part. It is a difference in gradients and intent. We are not saying that S&M is wrong, bad or undesirable. It is just a much higher gradient than D/s, and may be too intense for the beginner. Some people may confuse heavy D/s with S&M. They are two very different things. Return to Contents
Although it may seem through outward appearances that all the power in the relationship flows from the Dom or Master to the sub or slave, this is somewhat misleading. The players in a D/s relationship, no matter which side they are on, are equals to a certain degree. Both sides have power, but in different ways. The Dom may have ultimate authority, but the sub is the one who initiates most actions. To prevent any misunderstanding between players, they should understand the difference between a Dom and a Master, and a submissive and a slave.
The Dominant, or Dom Domination is not just giving random orders. A good Dom will find a way to cause the sub to desire pleasing the Dom. A Dom, or Dominant, is the protector, teacher, and lover to the sub. As the protector, the Dom must be a) stronger than the sub, and b) stronger than other people in the life of the sub. This does not mean that he has to be physically bigger or stronger. We are talking about character and personality. As the teacher, the Dom must be wise and, above all, right. The Dom should not arbitrarily punish the sub on a whim. There must be a reason. To do otherwise will break down the trust and security of the sub. The Dom has to be respected by the sub. Respect is a quality that is earned by the Dom being right, and issuing swift, correct justice and reward to the sub. The Dom is not there to inflict pain and degradation on the sub, but to give the sub a goal and a direction on how to love and please him. As the lover, the Dom is loving and, when appropriate, stern. He must recognize that he is the only source of pleasure for the sub. He must see to it that this area is not neglected. The Dom should, when appropriate, be gentle, supportive, and tender to the sub. A Dom/sub relationship is not just about overpowering. It is about the Dom caring for the well-being of the sub. If punishment is required to stop a destructive action by the sub, then it comes from the Dom. On the other hand, when correct action has been noted by the Dom, love and caring should come from him to the sub.
The Master
The Submissive, or sub The role of the submissive appears to be somewhat simpler, but in actuality, the sub plays a large role in shaping the D/s relationship. The sub's primary role is to follow her Dom's directions and to please the Dom. Being submissive does not mean that the sub is a doormat for the Dom. The sub is the Dom's companion, his student, and his lover. As a companion, the sub is treated with respect and dignity, is allowed to voice opinions, and allowed to share in the Dom's activities. This is the area where the sub is the most equal with the Dom. As a student, the sub learns how to please the Dom, and when done, expects to be rewarded by the Dom. Likewise, when not done or done incorrectly, the sub expects to be corrected and shown the right way to act. As a lover, the sub goes out of their way to please the Dom because they genuinely care for the well being of the Dom. The sub does this, not out of fear of pain or retribution, but because they wants to give the Dom pleasure. The sub does not want the Dom to be disappointed with them. The sub takes pleasure from the fact that the Dom is pleased.
The slave Return to Contents
Chapter 3 - Dominance and Submission Rules Note: In this chapter, and henceforth, I will be referring to Masters and Doms as Doms. Likewise, slaves and subs will be called subs. In order for any venture to be successful, there must be basic guidelines. We understand that every couple is different, and no two D/s relationships are the same. Nevertheless, basic agreements exists, or else you go outside the boundaries of what is considered a D/s relationship. Every couple will have their own set of agreements, however, I feel there are some that are universal.
Communication between the Dom and sub is crucial to a successful D/s relationship. The sub must be willing to talk about their feelings and the Dom must be receptive. The Dom also must be conscious of the non-verbal cues the sub gives. For a satisfying D/s relationship, it helps to have an underlying affinity for the other partner. The Dom is attempting to perfect their sub to their ideal of what the sub should be. The sub must want that goal, too. If either of these points do not exist, the D/s can degrade into an abusive relationship, or the partners go off, dissatisfied. D/s is for the mutual enjoyment of both partners. Limits and safe words assist in ensuring both parties experience pleasure, and neither gives up all control. Over time the use of safe words and limits may diminish, however many couples in a long term relationship still use them. Return to Contents
Chapter 4 - Reward and Punishment This point is where many D/s relationships fall to pieces. Over punishment for minor infractions, non-acknowledged good deeds, and ignoring blatant wrong action cause the affinity in the relationship to break down. The roles of both Dom and sub are fairly rigid; the duties of both well understood. When a Dom doesn't punish major infractions, or ignores correct action by his sub, the agreements made at the beginning of the relationship are broken. It is here that a Dom shows his true colors. The Dom should be in control not only of his sub, but himself as well. At the beginning of a D/s relationship, the Dom and sub may agree on a long list of correct and incorrect actions, but if the Dom does not remember them, the sub is "getting over" on the Dom, and in the process, losing respect for the Dom's power. It would be better to have only a few rules at the start, then as time progresses, expand them as the relationship grows. Overcorrecting is also poor. If the Dom is cruel or vicious, the sub will only do what is required out of fear of punishment. Over time, the sub will have no desire to please the Dom, and the Dom will suddenly realize they have no real control over the sub. Punishment is a tool to correct wrong or no action by the sub. It should never be done in anger! This is a very important point. When you punish in anger, real injury can occur, safe words are nullified, and limits do not exist. This is a very dangerous situation. The Dom who punishes in anger is moving into the area of abuse. In D/s, the Dom cares about the feelings of the sub. It is very difficult to have empathy when you are angry. Pain is not the end all and be all of a D/s relationship. It is just one more tool at the disposal of the Dom to guarantee the rules are complied with. Punishment does not even have to include pain. Movement restrictive bondage, humiliation, harsh words, or even a look can punish the sub. Privileges can be removed such as not being allowed to sit on the furniture, or by the Dom forcing the sub to sleep at the foot of the bed. There are many ways to punish incorrect actions. Save the severe stuff for major infractions. If you beat a dog every day, all you get is an angry, uncontrollable dog. The same goes for a sub, and an angry sub is much more hazardous than an angry dog. Punishment is always followed by reward when the sub corrects the infraction. The sub must be allowed to make up the damage, and then it is forgiven. Rewards show the sub that the Dom is pleased. It is a tangible show of love and caring from the Dom to the sub for a correct action. This is the true power of the Dom. The reward can be a kiss, a caress, flowers, a short note, or even a long, tender session of lovemaking. Rewards given to the sub shows that the Dom is thinking of them, and cares for their well being. It acknowledges their proper behavior and reinforces it. This is how the Dom creates in the sub the willingness to please him. A happy sub will do anything to ensure the happiness of the Dom, and will avoid actions that disappoint. Return to Contents
Bondage is a tool used by the Dom to restrict the movement of, or to immobilize the sub. Binding can be used for correction, but it is often used for pleasure, depending on the particular D/s relationship. During bondage, the Dom has complete control over the sub, but this depends on the type of binding used. There are a variety of restraints you can purchase at your local adult bookstore, or through catalogs. Each one has its own use and purpose. Regardless of the style of restraint, they should all be somewhat comfortable to wear but restrictive, and should not cut off blood circulation. If the sub is extremely uncomfortable, they will have attention on their body and not fully on the Dom. During bondage, the Dom has almost complete control of the sub's body, and can use the time for instruction, punishment, teasing, or can bring the sub to orgasm at the Dom's wishes. In order to be bound, there has to be a deep level of trust by the sub for the Dom. It is at this time more than any other that the Dom needs to be very perceptive of the cues the sub will give. When a sub is bound, the chance for injury jumps drastically, and the sub is not in a position to defend or assist herself. It is an act of total submission to allow yourself to be bound, and the sub is trusting the Dom to do the right thing. Therefore, the Dom must be in complete control of himself while handling a bound sub. Drinking or taking drugs before bondage is not recommended. NOTE: The following items should be used with extreme care. It is very easy to permanently injure or even kill another person with these items. If you are unsure of how to use these items, get the assistance of experienced D/s couples.
NOTE: Care must be taken with rope. It is very easy to cut off circulation, or cause rope burns. Use a soft, large diameter rope, such as nautical rope. Check your sub frequently. The more the sub struggles, the tighter the rope becomes.
NOTE: When using strap items, check them thoroughly before use. If the item is frayed, ripped, has loose attachments, or is discolored, either repair the damage or throw the item away.
NOTE: We do not recommend police-style handcuffs for bondage. They do hurt, and can cause skin and tendon damage. Use a wrist strap device made for the purpose.
NOTE: Chains can twist and catch skin, pinching or tearing it. Examine your chains before use, and if there is damage, do not use the item.
NOTE: Beginners should avoid the use of collars, or anything which goes around the neck of a sub in the beginning. It is very easy to inadvertently choke your sub.
NOTE: Care should be taken to ensure the connectors on the ends of the bars are securely fastened, because if a connector comes loose, the bar could swing around and strike either the sub or the Dom.
For the beginner, I would suggest using what you have in the house. Gym equipment, the dining room table, chairs, shower curtain rods, placing a hook above the door frame, or a four poster bed work very well for training purposes. A Dom does not need a fully equipped dungeon to properly train a submissive. As you acquire more specialized bondage items over time, remember to inspect the item carefully before placing it on your sub. If the item is frayed or cut, or has broken clasps, throw it away. It is dangerous to use damaged items. At best, it is an unnecessary interruption of play. At worst, your sub could be injured. These are the Dom's tools. Keep them in working order. Return to Contents
There are many types of training items. Usually, they are used for punishment, but, when used gently, can be very erotic. These items should serve no other purpose than for the administration of discipline. They are symbols of power and authority for the Dom. They must be treated with care and respect. Do not wield an item unless you are prepared to use it. These items are more than just another tool. They should instill awe in the sub, and effect an immediate change in their attitude. They are tangible evidence of the Dom's role as the administrator of justice to the sub. Therefore, they should not be overused or misused. Belts can be used to discipline the sub. Folded in half, they are very effective for spanking. It is easy to get out of control with a belt, though, inflicting more pain than is necessary. Of course, the intensity of pain is at the discretion of the couple. Riding crops are also very effective. The head of the crop, run up the inside of the sub's thighs, is very erotic, and a strike from the crop is quite impinging on the sub. Flails are items that have many long thin straps attached to a handle. They can actually break the skin if wielded too strongly, but with a light or medium touch, can get your sub's attention quickly. They cover a larger area of skin, giving many defined areas of pain. Paddles come in all shapes and sizes. They are used for spanking large areas. These items should be used for higher gradients of discipline, since they do cause higher degrees of pain than the flat of your palm, and can cause injury if not used with caution. An inexperienced Dom should use the item on himself before using them on the sub. This way, the Dom will get an accurate estimate on the amount of force needed with each item to produce the desired effect. There are also items like gags, ball gags, and face masks. I do not suggest that the beginner utilize those items. When gagged, the sub will have a difficult time getting a safe word out, and may be injured inadvertently. If you must use a gag, though, the Dom must be very careful, and very in tune with the sub. Other means of "safe wording" should be used, such as a bell held in the sub's hand, or a ball, when dropped, signaling the Dom that the sub is having problems, and a time-out should be started. Return to Contents
Chapter 7 - Training Techniques Respect for the sub is very important in this phase. As a Dom, you are attempting to bring out the best in your sub, not break her spirit and turn her into a robot. Even in training, there are certain guidelines that are useful.
There are a large number of techniques that Doms use. These vary from couple to couple. One technique that people use is to bind the sub's hands above their head, bind their feet together, and, with the flat of the hand, spank them from their shoulders to her ankles, front and back. This is a very effective way of getting their attention. Reward is also very important. Correct actions must be rewarded by the Dom, otherwise the sub has no incentive to obey the Dom's instructions. I will give my slave a single flower, a note left on the computer, or a loving caress. The reward will depend on the sub and the action which pleases the Dom. Once in a while, a Dom will find a sub to whom a spanking is a reward. This is why the Dom must know the sub, totally. Every sub is different, just as every Dom is different. It is very difficult to give step-by-step instructions on how to discipline or reward a particular sub. Some subs are totally submissive, others have a very strong will. In any case, the discipline is for correction, the reward is for compliance. If more correction is needed, do not hesitate in escalating your actions. Use the amount of correction necessary to punish the infraction. Do not threaten punishment. Apply it. The sub will respect the Dom to a greater degree. If the sub complies above and beyond what you expected, reward them accordingly. Remember, the strength of the Dom lies in his love for the sub. When using any style of domination, care must be taken not to injure the sub. An actual injury, if caused, should be tended to immediately. Stop the scene, quickly unhook or detach the sub from any devices, and tend to the injury. Basic first aid should be known by the Dom, because injuries can happen, and the Dom is responsible for the sub.
Humiliation
Restriction
Physical Domination
Verbal Domination In the case of cyber or long distance D/s, exercised on the phone or by computer, this is the style used by most Doms, since they are not there to correct or reward the sub physically. It is very difficult to physically dominate a sub over a long distance connection. The sub must do what the Dom orders, to the best of the sub's ability. If clamps are to be applied, the sub must be able to physically do the action. Since the physical control of the sub is difficult to ensure, verbal domination is used extensively. Return to Contents
Chapter 8 - Additional Information There is more to D/s than just paddles and flails, ropes and cuffs. There are other "toys" that are used and are useful, especially if the parties agree that the play can become more intense. The following items and techniques are not recommended for beginners, but are included so that when and if you decide, you have the information at hand to ensure that the play continues to be safe and consensual. NOTE: The following items and techniques are more advanced, and have a greater probability of severe or permanent damage. If you are unsure about how to proceed, get more information from experienced D/s couples. The warnings in the following sections are not to frighten you. The warnings are there for your and your subs safety. Extreme caution should be exercised when using these techniques and items.
Wax NOTE: Very hot wax can cause first, second, or even third degree burns. Blisters can form quickly, and skin damage can easily result. When using candles, hold the candle high above the body part exposed to the melted wax. If the heat sensation is not strong enough, bring the candle closer, but only a little at a time. If you are not sure about how hot the wax is, test it by letting some fall on a sensitive part of your body, such as your wrist or inner arm. Take care not to burn yourself.
Clamps NOTE: Clamps should be used with caution. Clamping any body part reduces the blood flow to that area to a greater or lesser degree. Lack of blood can kill tissue quickly. Also, clamps should not have sharp edges that can catch skin or cut the sub. When using clamps and weight, extreme caution should be taken as to avoid tearing skin or applying so much weight that the clamp is torn from the body part.
Electrical Stimulating Devices NOTE: Electrical stimulators can be very expensive to purchase. Be sure to fully inspect these particular devices before use. Frayed wires, loose plates, or even corrosion on the device can render it useless or dangerous. Electrical play can quickly become hazardous to the sub and the Dom. If the sub is standing, a shock to the legs or groin can cause the sub to collapse almost instantly. An inadvertent shock to the spine can be unpredictable, and a shock across the heart can cause the heart to stop or beat erratically. These devices should be researched thoroughly by the Dom and sub that plan to use them during play. All safety information that comes with the device should be read and understood totally. Do not use the device in a manner that is not definitely spelled out in the instructions. Electrical play is best left alone. It is very dangerous edge-type play, and must be thoroughly researched before being embarked on.
Ice NOTE: Caution shall be observed. Ice play can cause frost-nip or in severe cases, frostbite. Frost-nip is a temporary situation of numbness, pain, and diminished blood flow in the affected area. It will go away with the application of heat. Frostbite is a serious condition of actual tissue death. The skin turns gray, and there is no blood flow. The skin will feel very waxy. Frostbite must be attended to very quickly. It is doubtful that true frostbite will be caused with ice play, but the Dom should always be watching the sub and their reactions for any bad signs. Do not apply hot wax or hot water to a frost-nipped or bitten area. Use the warmth of your hands or underarms to re-warm the nipped area. Also, ice inserted into the anus or vagina can cause internal cuts, which can severely injure or kill your sub.
Body Training NOTE: There are extreme cautions to these procedures. Corsets accomplish the 'wasp waist' look by physically moving internal organs up into the rib cage. Other training devices apply pressure and tension to a specific body part for extended periods. If used improperly, all body training devices can cause severe pain and possible injury.
Piercing NOTE: Since an object is breaking the surface of the skin, profuse bleeding will normally occur. Also, due to the skin break and subsequent blood contact, infections can easily take hold. Blood poisoning, gangrene, and death can happen due to an improperly cared-for piercing. Because of the dangers involved, eroticized piercing should be avoided. All piercing implements and jewelry should be disinfected thoroughly before use, and the area being pierced should be cleaned with an anti-bacterial wash. Return to Contents
Chapter 9 - Suggested Reading List The following books are recommended for the beginning, as well as the more experienced D/s couple. They can be difficult to find in your local bookstore, so when possible, we will give the mailing address so you can order these texts directly.
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This has been a labor of love. I wish to thank the many people that Sandi and I have talked with for their input. This booklet was written to answer some of the many questions we are asked about our relationship, and in our life we have met many people who were interested in D/s, but knew nothing about it. I hope after reading this information you are left with the understanding that the Dom is not only about discipline. He is about love. Also, the sub is not the doormat for the whims of a Dom, but a valuable addition to the Dom's life. D/s is not for all couples. It worked for me and I want to share the information we have learned through years of practice. Special thanks go to:
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