Can I Convert Them?

By SoulThief

We are all tempted, from time to time, to make people in to what we want them to be. After all, we are Dom/mes. We control people, right?

Bringing Out vs Converting

It is a wonderful fantasy to be able to change the world however we desire. Whether it is D/s, hypnotism, whatever, the temptation is always to believe that you can make anything happen.

A common statement from stage hypnotists is, "I can't get a subject to do anything that goes entirely against their character." A hypnotist can suggest to someone that they are drunk and, if that is believable to them, they will act accordingly. The hypnotist can convince someone who believes they are drunk to act in an outrageous way appropriate to their drunken and, more importantly, uninhibited state. Hypnotists can free up participant's inhibitions, they can set a participant's imagination free, but hypnotists can not get the subject to do anything they revile or are unable to imagine or rationalise.

The control a Dominant has is much the same. We can make it safe for someone to explore an avenue; we can make it exciting or arousing. We can take away barriers of shame and of inhibition. With all of those barriers removed, with the path made safer and more desirable, we can help them take those steps if it is a path they wish to go down. If it is a path they do not wish to take, even by removing all of the barriers they still will not willingly take it. Some Dom/mes use pressure at this point, to push someone down a path they wish them to take. If you do that, they may go down it a little way, but they will resent you for it and, the moment they can, they'll run back.

Consent

The watchwords of the scene are always Safe, Sane and Consensual. If someone is genuinely not interested in something, to attempt to convert them against their will is simply non-consensual and unacceptable.

There is a huge amount of non-consensual fiction, where the hero or heroine is having something brought out of their personality and secretly loves what they are becoming. If it genuinely is a roleplay issue, where they are playing a disinterest, that is one thing. To assume that it is, without their acknowledgement, is incredibly dangerous: they do not know what games you are playing; they have no safewords to communicate that you really are upsetting them.

That you are even considering "converting" someone implies you have already invested emotionally in the idea, that you want it to happen. If so, you are almost certainly too close to make a reasonable judgement as to whether it really is a case of "feigned disinterest but actual desire" or if it really is non-consensual. The best advice I can give in a situation like this is: ask a friend that knows them. A friend who is removed can tell you if they really are giving out the signals you have perceived; they can tell you if things change and the person you're trying to convert wants or needs to stop; they can tell you if you are going too far; a person two steps removed can tell you all these sorts of things. In fact, I would say that piece of advice carries through for much of the scene: Any time where you may be too close to make a fair or reasonable decision, ask a friend who is that extra step or two back to help you.

Common Examples

There is not really any such thing as a general case where you can convert someone and a general case where you can not convert someone. Every situation needs to be read on its own merits. These examples attempt to address some common cases where there are reasons to try, but also the reasons why for some people it is inappropriate. You need to come to your own conclusions each time, considering the person you are considering "converting" and whether or not they really have anything there to bring out. Hopefully these examples simply illustrate that no situation is cut and dried.

Vanilla Friends

We all have vanilla friends who we would really like to Dom/me. We want to be able to show them this wonderful world that we know of, show them all of the incredible sensations we can give them. For many of us, D/s is where we really come in to our own, where we have confidence. To introduce someone to the scene is a way of giving an incredible gift, and also to help them understand this wonderful side of us that they, our friends, have never met.

It becomes all too easy to read signs that are not there. A curiosity to go to a fetish club may just be an interest in seeing unusual things, not an interest in becoming a part of the situation itself. An interest in corsets or piercing may simply be from a fashion perspective. A string of rough and unpleasant partners may reflect an unrecognised interest in Dominant partners, but once it is recognised it may actually be something they wish to avoid, not indulge. There is also the possibility that, even if they are interested in the scene, they may not be interested in you leading them in to it (Strange, I know! *grin*).

Bisexuality

This one's really aimed at heterosexual couples. It is, arguably, applicable for homosexual couples too, reversing the sexuality based assumptions.

It certainly seems to be the case that most males would like a bisexual partner, and the same appears to be the case for a lot of females. Whichever gender you are, it makes a fair degree of sense. The opposite sex is attractive and what could be better than one of them in your bed? Well, two of them, obviously. Not only that, you find the opposite sex sensual and exciting and you'd like to share that with your partner. Whatever your reasons, the idea of a bisexual partner is often very attractive. After all, they're not turning their back on you, they're just expanding their horizons.

During research in the fifties, the idea of a sliding scale of sexuality was put forward, with heterosexuality at one end and homosexuality at the other. Everyone sits on a point on the scale that reflects their personal make-up. It is complicated by denial, with many people unable or unwilling to accept their position on it - the classic example being the loudest homophobes often being those who are desperately trying not to recognise their own homosexuality.

Assuming someone is not on either end of the scale, they have a varying degree of both characteristics. With encouragement, either side can be brought out by offering them help stripping back the fear, denial etc that exists. These people may be very grateful for your help - although they may also resent your intrusion.

The problem is, a lot of people really are on either end of the scale and have nothing to bring out. Experience of those in the middle leads a lot of people to the assumption that "the other aspect", whichever that is, can be brought out if you just try hard enough. For those at the ends, it can not and trying will only hurt them.

Sometimes you simply have to accept that people are at either end. No matter how wonderful you think it would be, you can not bring it out of them. To try against their will can only ever be non-consensual. To try to take advantage of any desire they have to please you will also be non-consensual.

Conclusion

So, we can bring out what is already there, but we can not convert someone in to something they are not.

It is worth noting at this point, as I always do, that this is simply my perspective. There are some people who believe they actually can convert others. I would suggest they fall in to three groups (or a combination of them):

There are those that desperately want to believe they can convert people and are simply forcing people down whatever path against their will (as mentioned above).

There are those that appear to be succeeding in it, due to either intentionally or accidently managing to sense those who have it there to bring out, just buried so deeply that most people can not see it.

There is the final group, that I don't believe I have ever met, but I'm never prepared to say "never". They actually can convert people in to something they are not. Maybe there are people out there who can do it. I am yet to meet them, so tend toward believing they don't exist. If you are such a person or know such a person, I'm always prepared to change my point of view.

SoulThief