Fantasies are fine, but be careful about acting on them

May 31, 2004

BY LAURA BERMAN

Fantasies are the makings of romance novels and steamy movies alike, and a cornerstone of our sexuality. But how far should you take them? What's OK and what's not OK to fantasize about? It's time to address this sensitive but key part of our private sexual thoughts.

First of all, there is no such thing as an abnormal fantasy. That's what makes them so great. You can let your mind wander free of social constraints and reality, so the sky's the limit. Women (and men) often come to me, sheepishly recounting their favorite fantasy, and worried that it makes them sick or abnormal. What a relief to find out that it's all OK -- unless you want to act fantasies out, then the rules are a little different. But we'll get to that in a minute.

Among different cultural groups and across the sexes, the types of fantasies experienced are quite varied. The most commonly reported male fantasy is a "menage a trois," a sexual encounter between one man and two women. It makes anthropological sense in a way, in that the males who have survived throughout evolution have been those who spread their genes as far and wide as possible, thus the more the merrier. The most common female fantasy involves sexual submission, where she is ravaged or tied up. Milder versions of the fantasy include a student with a professor or a prisoner with a cop; ultimately the control is taken away from her. I think the explanation may lie in the fact that most women in our culture still don't feel as sexually entitled as they could. This is not to say that women want to be raped in real life. It's simply that most women are still not completely comfortable initiating sex and giving up the control can make her feel less responsible for her sexual impulses.

In general, bondage and domination and sadomasochistic fantasies are quite common, as are voyeuristic and exhibitionistic fantasies, where you are watching others or being watched while engaging in sexual activity.

Don't worry about having fantasies during sex with a partner. Most couples in long-term relationships partake in a little mind wandering during sex after a while. But if you must fantasize in order to become sexually aroused, or you find you need to think of a particular fantasy every time you are sexual, it might be worth taking a second look at your sexual development, and what is going on for you psychologically in the here and now. Dependency on any thought may mean that you are struggling with that issue or have unresolved guilt or anxiety, which should be examined. Furthermore, when a fantasy for a particular object or vestige (leather for example) turns into a requirement, it's known as a fetish. Fantasies should be a healthy part of a varied sex life, not a mandatory element of its success.

Should your fantasies always be kept secret or should you share your fantasy with your partner? Certainly sharing your fantasies with each other can assist in learning about what sexually turns each of you on, and can be a bonding experience. But I believe that sometimes the fantasy can be ruined if shared, or the damage that comes with disclosure may not be worth it. For instance, say you have fantasies about your partner's best friend or your next-door neighbor? If you think that you might actually want to act on such a fantasy, then it's crucial to address it, because there's obviously something larger than a healthy imagination going on, and your relationship may be at risk. But if you have absolutely no desire to act on these sexual thoughts, all you may succeed in doing by sharing them is make your partner feel insecure or threaten his or her friendship. Ultimately, let your partner's feelings be your guide. If your partner is likely to be unnecessarily disturbed or hurt, you might want to think twice before sharing.

Now, what about actually acting out your fantasy? Many couples have a great time with this endeavor, stocking up on nurse or maid's outfits, or a supply of handcuffs and silk scarves. They may enact picking each other up in a bar as if they were strangers, or even pretend to be having an affair with each other. But remember, the reality may not always be as fantastic as the fantasy. This is especially true when the fantasy on the table involves a third person, or a sexual activity that one of the partner's experiences as risky or uncomfortable.

When it comes to bringing another person in, beware. You need to be prepared for the potential after effects of jealousy or feelings of betrayal and mistrust, even if both of you agreed. Sometimes the fantasy just feels too risky for one of the partners; whether it's sex in a public place or some extreme sado-masochistic or bondage and domination fantasy. I counsel couples struggling with this to negotiate with each other. Maybe there is another fantasy that is less intense or scary that the resistant partner can offer to enact. Ultimately, in order for the couple to be successful at making a fantasy a reality, they both need to be on the same page, be clear on the expectations and potential ramifications, and feel invested in the process. Forcing or pushing a partner into it rarely works and often results in damage to the relationship.

Ultimately fantasies, when kept in their place, can contribute to a healthy and stimulating sex life. With imagination, communication and care, you can successfully incorporate fantasies into your relationship, keeping things spicy and staying connected. Remember, the brain is the main sexual organ. You just have to use it.

Laura Berman, Ph.D., is a sex therapist and director of Chicago's Berman Center ( www.bermancenter.com )