Glossary of BDSM Terms

I'm just going to concentrate on a few terms, so we're all on the same page. For a complete list, I recommend looking up the Deviant's Dictionary. It's the best you'll find on BDSM terms!

Let's start with BDSM. This has become the common term to encompass all phases and levels of commitment in the Lifestyle:

B - Bondage &
D - Discipline
D/s - Dominance & submission
SM – Sadomasochism

B/D Bondage & Discipline stands for the type of play concerned with physical restraint and control. This includes corporal 'punishment' - spanking, flogging, etc. The bondage is physical control, and discipline is mental control; not necessarily role playing.

D/s Dominance and submission are more concerned with role playing. The consensual empowerment of one partner over another. Top/bottom roles. The Top is the doer, or one in control, the dominant. The bottom is the receiver, or submissive. Play ownership.

S/M Sadomasochism celebrates the erotic potential of intense sensation, intense being the key word. Often pain, but not necessarily.

Aftercare - a period of time, after play, devoted to the emotional well being of the players. Doms need care, too.

Bondage – tying up, or restraining someone.

Bottom – the one that gets things done to them, by the Top, in a limited exchange of power/control. A "do me" bottom takes pleasure in the play, but doesn't want to give any submission or pleasure in return.

Consensual - activities agreed to by all parties involved. 2) We play with other adults. 3) It is informed consent. We negotiate with our partners before we play. We respect their limits. They know that we will NOT do anything that they haven't agreed to beforehand. We know there is no consent in subspace.

Consent – an informed choice, by a person who is capable of making it.

Dom – a male Dominant.

Dominant – one who is given control in a consensual exchange of power.

Domme – a female Dominant. It is pronounced the same as Dom, the 'me' is silent.

Edge play – some consider this to be play that flirts with serious danger. I feel that if you are stretching your limits, for you, that's 'edge play'.

Kink – anything outside of society's idea of normal, as regards sexual relations.

Lifestyle - BDSM activities and/or the people who participate in them.

Limits - everyone has their own preferences for play, which you found out about when doing the checklist. And that's fine. But, suppose your partner likes something that you don't? Will you at least be open-minded enough to think about it? A soft limit would be something that you not keen about, but will try - to please your partner. A hard limit is something that you don't ever want to even try. Don't be surprised if you rethink some of your limits six months or even a year or two down the road!

Masochist – someone who is aroused by receiving pain.

Munch - a purely social gathering of people in the Lifestyle, a chance for friends to get together, and for newcomers to meet others in the Lifestyle. Munches are usually held in a vanilla venue, so wear 'regular' clothes. No fetish wear, no toys, and watch what you say, it's usually a family place. We do not ever involve or expose the vanilla public to any lifestyle activities, without their consent.

Negotiation – discussion before play, regarding activities to be done, limits, and safeword.

Play - activities engaged in, during a scene, which are erotic and involve B&D, or S&M to various degrees.

Power exchange - the sub's surrender of control to the Dom. Includes anything from brief play, to partial control in daily life, to full 24/7.

RACK – this is an acronym that stands for risk aware consensual kink. Some people are using it as opposed to SSC. 'Risk' acknowledges that what we do isn't really safe, 'Aware' that we recognize these risks. 'Consensual' that we know all this, and agree to them anyway. 'Kink' we're not mainstream, baby!

Sadist – someone who is aroused by giving pain to another.

Sadomasochism – sexual arousal or gratification using a consensual power exchange, including aspects of pain, bondage, and/or humiliation.

Safe, Sane, Consensual (SSC) - term used to describe BDSM as it's practiced today.

Safe - much of what we do is inherently dangerous. So, it is especially important before you play, that you know what you're doing! Be familiar with the toys you are using. More about Safe on the homepage., and Safe calls.

Safe call - someone who knows where you are, and with whom, and will arrange for help, if you are in danger. See Safe call.

Safeword - a word, or signal - if you're gagged, that lets your partner know you need to stop the play, either temporarily, or permanently. This way, if you like, you can scream, "No, no" all you want, and the Top knows it's okay to continue!

Safewords should be easy to remember!

The most common ones I've seen, and used myself, are Red - which stops the play immediately, and permanently, for the rest of the night. Yellow - stops the play, temporarily. It could be, you want to continue, but you need the Top to lighten up a little, or maybe you're getting a muscle cramp. Green - means, I LIKE what you're doing, give me more!

Never, ever ignore a genuine cry for help or signs of distress in your bottom or sub - just because they didn't 'safeword'!

I will share two occasions that happened to me:
In the first, I felt 'funny', but didn't want the play to end! I was having too much fun! - However, I fainted shortly after deciding I could hold on a little longer! The occasion of the second, I was in subspace. I hurt, but couldn't remember my safeword, or even think clearly enough to say, 'safeword' or anything else! Fortunately, the Top was aware enough and stopped the play.

Sane - BDSM, as we practice it, is not abuse. We do not injure our partners. We do not use drugs and/or alcohol. We avoid 'crazy' stunts! We know fantasy from reality.

Scene – a period of time, a play session, in which two or more people engage in BDSM activities. 2) Also, the SM or fetish community. (In the scene)

Show & Tell - If at all possible, when you get a new toy, do what I do: Have a 'show and tell' session with a play partner. Learn as much as you can about the toy, how it's to be used, what possible dangers may be involved. Learn the skills required. If you are using a flogger, for example, practice, practice, practice! (On a pillow or some other inanimate object, make a target.) Then, invite your play partner for show and tell. This is where you try out the toy, out of scene. No bondage, no blindfolds, complete freedom to speak, interrupt, discuss.

sub or submissive – one who surrenders control during play.

Switch – may Top or bottom, in casual play. They may be Dominant, or submissive, depending on whom they're with.

Top – One who controls the scene, but has a short term, length of the 'play', or casual relationship with their play partner. Some people use the terms Top/Dom, bottom/sub interchangeably, in casual play.

Topping from the bottom – an attempt by the sub to either manipulate the Top, or to gain control of the scene from the Top.

Toys – we're all familiar with floggers and single tails, etc., but just about anything can be a toy. Look around the house! Ping pong paddles, hairbrushes, clean feather dusters or paintbrushes, clothes pins, rope, plastic credit card, ice, wax... the list goes on and on! Use of such objects in play, makes them, 'pervertibles'.

Vanilla – Everyone not in the lifestyle.

***"Doesn't all this talk - a checklist, negotiations, safe call, safeword take all the FUN out of playing? It's going to be boring, I mean, gee, I already know what's going on! "***

Oh, so you think you do, huh? Well, any experienced Dom will quickly disabuse you of that thought! We are incredibly inventive! Trust me on that! We'll take everything we discussed into consideration, play by the rules, and then we'll turn it upside down! Liked the bondage on a soft comfy bed? See if you still like it when you're on your knees, tied over a footstool! We'll take you out of your 'comfort' zone, and gently stretch your limits, so you can grow! Otherwise, you will become bored, or worse, boring!