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SM: A View On SadoMasochism by Don Miesen Table of Contents
This essay attempts an introduction to SM, or Sadomasochism. It is based on my own 16 years in SM, with about 200 personal encounters; on the stories of some close personal SM friends; and on the accounts of perhaps 400 people met through The Society of Janus (an SM education and support group). I have tried especially to answer the questions usually asked by newcomers to SM, as well as to offer my own ideas about what SM is, and its place in the order of human affairs. SM is the neighborhood kids playing cops and robbers, and the contented excitement of the victim--all tied up and the center of attention. SM is when the belt hits--first it stings, then it's warm. SM is the woman doctor from out of state, whom you keep chained up all weekend, and your friends come to help you abuse her in every possible way. SM is trying to piss in bondage, while your mistress holds your cock, and makes comments. SM is the quiet typist by day who becomes a whip-wielding dominatrix by night. SM is the sweat, and wondering if you're going to pass out, and finally letting go. SM is Sunday brunch at an SM bar, and even though you're a straight couple, the leathermen know you're into it too. SM is a pair of tiny gold handcuffs on an expensive dress at the opera. SM is putting your boyfriend into a French maid outfit, to serve lunch to you and your girlfriends, who are into women's lib. SM is screaming, "That's ONE, SIR! THANK YOU, SIR!" at the top of your lungs. SM is the gratitude, all your life, to the person who helped you come out. SM is trying to explain the massive frame and eyebolts to your landlady. She listens with flat eyes and you know your lease is ending. SM is finding the perfect pair of boots. SM is your new slave, blindfolded, masturbating, and telling his secret fantasies, while you watch and listen to every marvelous detail. SM is sleeping with your hands and feet bound, and the dreams! SM is the man at the party who asks to try on your handcuffs, "to see how it feels." SM is the proud African youth in National Geographic, with skewers through his tongue and cheeks, and knowing that you both know the pride. SM is forgetting to take off your steel cockring, and it sets off the alarm at the airport. SM is how hot her ass feels when you caress the welts. SM is putting up with a picky, uncertain submissive, novice-new, who doesn't know how to say what he wants to say; but finally he says it, and takes your breath away with the magnificent totality of his submission. SM is hearing people talk about how bad SM is, knowing nothing about it, and you want to giggle, because they're so serious. SM is your slave holding up her hair, without being told, as you put on her collar. SM is the perfume of sweaty leather. SM is the anniversary when your lover has a gold ring put through your labia (and no anesthesia); then she holds you and say you're hers forever; and you'd do anything for her. SM is Errol Flynn chained up by pirates. SM is the uniform in your closet, waiting for Saturday night. SM is being taken downstairs, and you see it's soundproof. SM is hurting the one you love, just exactly right. SM is wondering what the other executives would say if they knew about the welts and the sticky panties underneath your conservative suit. SM is wishing you could afford one of everything at an SM shop. SM is how warm and tingly your nipples feel when the clamps are perfect; then the little bite more, and how your nipples adjust to enjoy that, too. SM is the humiliation of discovering that your new slave is far more experienced than you are. SM is spotting an ancient gay masochist on the bus: short haircut, polished boots, tattered levis and jacket, heavy chain and padlock around his neck, tattoos sprouting out of his collar and cuffs--quiet, upright, proud, centered, and content. SM is erotic play based on deliberate roles of domination and submission. SM is fun play and also serious play, because we consciously choose our roles of domination and submission according to our actual erotic fantasies. In SM, we act out, fulfill, and make real our erotic fantasies. How does SM make our fantasies real? Domination and submission are reciprocal roles, in which each can be the reality for the fantasy of the other. When my outer role matches my inner fantasy, I manifest more energy; when my partner's role and energy affirm mine, our energy interacts and multiplies incredibly, and we create our own shared reality. SM is often called a power exchange. The energy is immense. You have to experience it to believe it, or to understand it. SM is like vanilla sex (ordinary lovemaking) in that each excites and fulfills the other in a reciprocal interaction. But vanilla sex excites and fulfills our physical desires; it puts aside our intellectual faculties. SM excites and fulfills our fantasies; and this stimulates our observation, analysis, and criticism.SM is deliberate fantasy and play. As such, it belongs among the arts. Whenever we think what makes eroticism good, we naturally think in terms of anticipation, excitement, tension, relaxation, rhythm, style, surprise, sensations, textures, delicacy, power, imagery, relief, fulfillment, and so on. These are the analytic terms of the arts (and of the performing arts, at that). They are not the analytical terms of theology, medicine, science, ethics, nor politics--though all of these have claimed sexuality for their domain. To be sure, all these other disciplines have important things to say about sex and eroticism; but they are in the nature of limits; they are not of the essence. With art, with deliberate fantasy and play, shelter becomes architecture; food becomes cuisine; clothing becomes fashion; speech becomes poetry--and the uncritical joys of vanilla sex may become the deliberate joys of SM. Common Concerns, Uncommon Facts SM is not trifling nor aberrant. Fantasy and play are universal, and SM is everywhere, in all cultures, all societies, all historical periods. I think SM must spring up spontaneously whenever people learn deliberate fantasy and play. Surveys show as high as 50% of Americans have SM fantasies or experiences. Probably most SM occurs in the setting of conventional marriages--right at home. SM is not sexist. Sexism tries to impose dominant-submissive roles according to our physical sex organs. SM lets us choose our roles according to our fantasies. Thus SM includes dominant women and submissive men. Many feminists misunderstand and disapprove of SM. Yet nearly all sadomasochists support feminism as a movement towards honesty in relationships. Some people think SM is wrong because they think people should be as equals in sex. But that's simplistic politics and simplistic sex, too. We human beings are equal only in law; otherwise we're all different, individual and unique. SM, like other good relationships, honors individuality by using the talents of each for the good of both. SM is not mental illness. SM is deliberately chosen, controlled, shared, integrating, and healthy. Specifically, SM is integrating and healthy because it reconnects our fantasies to real relationships with real people. Don't be afraid of words like "sadism" and "masochism." Sadism comes from the name of the Marquis de Sade (1740-1814). Masochism comes from the name of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836-1895). Both men were positive, moral, and creative--and were highly recognized for it. DeSade was a first cousin to the King and went to school with him; yet he supported the Revolution and was so respected that his commune elected him a judge. A later France elected von Sacher-Masoch to be a Chevalier of the Legion of Honor. About 1886 - a century ago - Krafft-Ebing invented the words sadism and masochism. At that time, Western psychology was still embedded with Victorian prudery, and had some time more to wait for the mature works of Freud. DeSade was a bitter and scandalous social critic; he can easily be misread. But both he and von Sacher-Masoch were fearless in their erotic fantasies, and they can show us how our fiercest fantasies come from the same place as our most tender loves. They deserve honor, not blame, for opening this truth to us. Psychology has reaped an undeserved credit for discovering a perfect word, sadomasochism; but the reality has always belonged to us. Krafft-Ebing was wrong to take these names for sickness; moralists and too-ardent feminists are wrong to take these names for evil; and we sadomasochists are right to reclaim these names, and take them back again for something good. Outsiders often see SM as bizarre and destructive. Some think sadists do whatever they want to masochists; and that masochists somehow enjoy suffering for its own sake. Beginners fear the SM can get out of hand and lead to mayhem. The media often like to sensationalize SM as immoral, drug-oriented and dangerous. The public loves all this. It sells papers. But it's not true. The truth is that SM is highly communicating, supportive and safe. SM is fantasy-sharing, which can only be consensual. You can't share and develop fantasies even with someone you feel merely neutral about, because you won't be able to get the heightened energy and feedback and affirmation you need. The Society of Janus, for example, insists that "all SM can and should be consensual," meaning that no matter what you do in SM, both partners should be of one sensuality with one another. Real-life sadists and masochists are choosy about their ordeals and choosy about their partners. The kind of suffering a sadist wants to inflict says nothing about the masochist, but much about the sadist, who must accept that truth about self. The amount of suffering is limited by how much the sadist can take responsibility for - including the masochist's post-party affections, when the handcuffs come off. So, behind our appearances, our fantasies, and the games we may play, SM is something that spouses, lovers and friends learn to do together. SM can be gentle as a feather or rough as a crucifixion. But what games you play, how long, how hard and how real - all that is up to you and your partner.Some sadomasochists look dangerous. They're giving signals for rough games - which they know how to play and are ready for. If you're not ready, keep away. They take themselves seriously, and so should you. Much of SM is easy fun and no more dangerous than driving a car. But, like driving, you must do it right. We always have a few who do SM drunk, stoned or without knowing what they're doing. This is as serious as driving drunk, or without knowing how to drive. Most of us are careful and safety-minded. Outside the drug and heavy-drinking set, serious accidents in SM are rare. How Do People Become Sadomasochists? Some individuals discover it on their own - even in early childhood - playing their own games with pain, bondage, isolation and other stress. Some couples discover it as they explore for more patterns of erotic play. Some individuals learn SM from spouses, lovers, or friends. Some read about SM, get turned on and start looking for it in real life. Some who feel guilty, inadequate or insecure are attracted to the security of SM role-playing. There are two cases. If you often have SM fantasies, of having power over someone you desire, or of someone you desire having power over you, then you are a latent sadomasochist. If you often are in fact dominant or submissive in your loveplay, but without putting a name to it, again, you are a latent sadomasochist. In either case, whether you are fantasizing dominance and submission without doing it or doing dominance and submission without naming it, coming out into SM means your conscious acceptance of domination and submission as an important key to your eroticism. Then you can begin to become yourself more fully and deliberately. Some people - like me, I am a hardhead - resist accepting their SM. I once thought my fantasies were something separate from my self, that I created my fantasies at will. But one day it dawned on me that many other people would like to act our my fantasies with me, and that those other people were as valid and human as I was. Immediately I had to accept my SM fantasies as a valid and human part of myself. It was scary; I felt out of control; my fantasies were not separate from myself, created by my will; in fact, at their level, they defined and created me, and my "will" had little to do with it. But even so, I was happy - and I have never looked back. Now I think that for most people coming out into SM is not as hard as it was for me. Isn't it Degrading to be Submissive? Yes and no. Humiliation is to the spirit as pain is to the body. Humiliation can affirm a healthy ego, just as pain or stress can affirm a healthy body. Religions use humility for spiritual development, just as sports use physical stress for bodily development. So likewise, SM uses humiliation to eroticize the ego, pain to eroticize the body. Many masochists who eroticize pain reject and are offended by humiliation. Many masochists who eroticize humiliation cannot handle pain. Likewise, sadists seem to be chiefly into pain or humiliation. Sadists think masochists are the most erotic people alive. So now it's your choice: dominate or submit. Would you rather have power over a highly erotic person (and what would you do with them?) Or would you rather be a highly erotic person for someone with power over you? (and what would you want them to do with you?) Three thousand years ago, wise Homer sang, "Great joy it is to friends and grief to foes, when with one accord man and wife together make a home ... But they themselves best know its meaning." SM is like that. We create our own shared reality. The opinions of other people are not important there. SM As Individualism Against Authority SM opens weird, scary and fantastic places in us, and makes them into erotic fountainheads for us and for the people we love. Many people want those places kept shut. They suspect human nature, that people tend toward corruption, and to get out of touch with reality. These are also the basic ideas of authoritarianism. All authoritarian religions and political systems see tendencies toward corruption and disconnection from reality - often a "higher" reality, defined by themselves, and so abstract as to defy testing. By contrast, SM offers fantasy and play, which are universal and natural. Also universal and natural is the ability to distinguish fantasy and reality, which all play presumes. Even kittens know how to play at fighting, and naturally trust others to know how to play, too. The stereotype enemy of SM is an authoritarian, mistrustful of human nature (which tends to corruption and needs guidance), and putting their trust in an authoritarian church, politics or "science" (which is somehow not corruptible and will do the guiding.)In SM, we can celebrate and use our diversity; they want to impose uniform values. In SM, we can play and fulfill our own fantasies; they want us to work and fulfill theirs. In SM we can learn to trust; they need to control. But pure authoritarians are rare. Ordinary people I find not all that hostile to SM. The reason is everyone has two separate value systems: personal and impersonal. Our personal values come from and are applied to our family and friends, whom we love and who love us. Our impersonal values, presumed uniform-for-everyone, come from our religion, culture and politics, and are applied to "other people," not so close to us. Our family and friends are good, despite their faults. Other people are suspect, despite their virtues. All history shows that universal value systems, political or religious, have never brought peace and trust, only wars, inquisitions and purges. Even on the most personal level, I resent religious or political evangelists pushing their universal value systems on me. But I can't help liking and trusting someone who enjoys my individuality - even if they don't agree with me. So, to get along with people, become friends. It's simple. Never go at their impersonal value system; but do take the time to appreciate and enjoy their uniqueness. You don't have to agree with it! Soon enough, they'll do the same and count you among their friends - despite your faults. And if you're caught in public debate against an authoritarian, never put your own impersonal value system - however liberal - against theirs. They've had centuries of law and theology, millions of lawyers and theologians; their logic will be stronger than yours and you will lose. To win, you must remember your self, your personal experiences, your own need for love, your own ways of loving and hating, your own spunk and humor. Everyone feels pressed down by institutions, even their own; play your David against their Goliath; the crowd will love it. One live person is more real than any system, which is only an abstraction, after all. It may not seem logical that one person can have more power than a church or government; but that reality is not logical. Be logical, you'll lose. Be yourself and real, you'll win. More About Domination and Submission Most beginners (not all) start as submissives. Many continue to prefer that role. In America masochists outnumber sadists by 3 to 1. One reason is that erotic submission is an easier step from ordinary life. Most of us learn business and social success by taking orders, being attentive, willing, energetic, polite, and giving ego-strokes even to people we dislike. It takes only one instant to see that such conduct may also bring erotic success with someone that we do like - and another masochist is born. Another reason is that submission replays our infant dependency, an intense period. To be a child again, what a treat! We can test and expand our limits, be smart-alecky and punished and be safely cared for. All we need is a parent. A third reason for so many masochists is that submission is easier, domination harder. Ideally the sadist has more experience, sensitivity and technical skill; and the investment of a playroom or dungeon with its fittings, plus carrying the main responsibility for safety and success. Good sadists are rare. (Though really good masochists aren't so common, either. For the same reason, don't look down on professional dominatrixes or sadists, who do SM for money. They are usually very, very good. Experience and sensitivity usually count for more in SM than youth and looks. It takes years to make a good sadist or masochist and age is an advantage. Sadists who have also been masochists are prized: they know. Submissive is not the same as passive. Passives are inert. Submissives, in their desire to be controlled, may provoke, resist, scream and holler and even fight back. They are often great exhibitionists, loving mirrors and dramatic scenes. Likewise dominant is not the same as aggressive. Dominants are often shy, calculating, reserved and voyeuristic. Most beginners start as either dominant or submissive. (Which are you?) But more than 95% of us eventually discover both dominant and submissive impulses. Fewer than 5% stay totally dominant or submissive all the time. These opposite impulses in the same person usually seek opposite objects or circumstances for expression:
Is your pattern here? These also reverse. Bisexuals, transvestites and transsexuals often change SM roles in crossing the sex line. The Walter Mittys of the world are powerless in reality, powerful in fantasy; while bully cops are scolded by their wives at home and politicians submit to their dominatrixes. I know of one woman who submitted to gay men, dominated straight ones (no Lesbian, she!) Sexism is only one of the many SM patterns; no wonder it so seldom works. The word limits is frequent in SM. It refers to degrees or kinds of experience not wanted by the masochist: "no marks," "no scat," "light spanking only," "no public," and so on. Beginning masochists, afraid of excesses, want their limits respected. Most masochists like to have their limit tested and expanded. Some SM ads say "no limits" a search for an experienced partner. And sadists also have limits: degrees or areas which turn them off. Such are the usual idea of limits; but they go much further. All eroticism, including SM, occurs at our surfaces or boundaries or limits. The rubbing, physical or emotional, that focuses our attention so wonderfully, occurs just where we interface with external reality. And this is true of both emotional and physical eroticism. Our limits mark the boundaries of our perceived self. Our fantasies mark the boundaries of an imaginary self. SM is the art of playing with our limits and our fantasies. Our limits and our fantasies are in us, not in our games. Thus, all SM games are variable and negotiable.
And so on. Sadists learn to gauge their masochists and work accordingly. The kind of pain or humiliation must reflect their fantasies. The amount of it must be enough to eroticize the masochist's limits, though too much may be destructive and a turn-off. My joy as a sadist is not in the outer act, but in feeling the limits of my masochist, just right, so I can touch the living spirit inside of who or what they think they are. My joy as a masochist is not in the outer act, but in being touched and felt, just right, even inside of who or what I think I am. Growth and eroticism are the same. Both challenge and develop our limits and our fantasies. SM, by pursuing our fantasies, leads us back towards where our fantasies begin and first take form, from our unformed primary energy. That is where we come from, with all our loves and hates. To know that place brings wisdom, power, peace and joy. Our limits are not the end of our journey in to SM, only its beginning. Most people think of SM as bondage, whipping, scat, pain, humiliation and so on. And in fact, SM has dozens and dozens of games, each one astonishing and more always being invented. But they are all games of playing and discovering our limits and fantasies. This is why many sadomasochists like to negotiate our games as we go along. We're all different, in how we touch and need to be touched; at different times; with different people; and the process of eroticism itself also changes us. This is why it's so hard for beginners to begin. You don't know where or how to start. You can't be sure what's play and what's real. You can't be sure if people can be trusted or how far they'll go. It's like trying to get on a merry-go-round while it's going. Beginners always ask what we do in SM. They want security before they venture, which is natural. But the real question is not what we do. The real question is how do you find security in a game without set limits? But that's exactly what SM is: discovering and playing with our limits. The insecurity of beginners is natural. If you're a beginner, be direct about it. Just tell people you're new. Ask for advice. Ask people if they'd do a limited scene with you. Experienced sadomasochists know how important trust is. We were all beginners once. Only a real clod ever puts down an honest beginner. The least you should get is respect for being honest. You should also get some good advice. You may get a referral. If everything is right, you may get a scene with that person. And you may make a friend - someone you can trust. Kissinger once said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. A masochist responded, "So is trust!" As the masochist must give power to the sadist, the sadist must provide trust for the masochist. How sadists do this is worth another essay; what follows is for beginning masochists. Before you let someone tie you up, how do you know if you can trust them? Sadomasochists always talk about trust, gut feeling, intuitions and the vibrations we may pick up. But such feelings are tricky. They require calm in the middle of excitement, and they may come from subliminal observations. Always pay attention to your intuitions, become conscious of them and look for tangible signs to support or deny them. Here is a list of tangible signs of trust. References: If friends tell you someone has tortured and raped 50 people with uniformly good results, then you can expect good results for yourself as the 51st. People who are well known but hard to get to know may have long waiting lines. People who are unknown are suspect. Alcohol, pot and other drugs seem to heighten awareness for some, disconnect others. Some sadomasochists have been successful users for years; others claim that even one beer is too desensitizing. At least be clear about your own uses and those of your partner. Do new SM experimenting when both of you are "straight." And never do SM with anyone whose uses are different or greater than your own; that way at least you won't sink on someone else's ship. Self humor: SM, the subculture that pursues fantasy, is rich in humor, which must arise when fantasy confronts reality. People who like to tell or take a joke on themselves know and enjoy the difference between reality and their own fantasy. Those you can trust. People lacking self-humor are suspect. Afford their habits: A successful narcotics dealer once told me his secret of success: the good guys were those who could afford their habits. Other clients he gently referred on to other dealers. Everyone, each of us, has habits: economic, social, emotional, intellectual, political, esthetic, hobbies, whatever, which, if we are off-balance, can become as demanding as any drugs. People who can afford their habits are likely to be Ok in SM, others not. Personal Affirmation: People with family and friends who they love and who love them are likely to be trustworthy. People whose affirmation comes from impersonal sources, church, state, politics, "science," are suspect. Some Advertisers: People who place sex ads have done something remarkable: they have defined themselves erotically for other people. Score one point. Those who describe themselves objectively, score two points. Objectively with humor, three points and bullseye. If they focus entirely on the fantasy that they think they want, score zero. Appreciate Uniqueness: In some gay leatherbars, after mutual attraction has been established, SM partners may spend an hour getting to know one another, before beginning even verbal SM play; even who will be dominant, who submissive, may be delayed. What they are doing is discovering one another's uniqueness, to use it as the basis for their SM play. People who take the time to discover and appreciate your uniqueness can probably be trusted; offers of instant play are only fetishism and suspect. All these signs are tests of whether a person is reality-oriented. Unreal people of course are not bad people; but they are not trustworthy for SM, where you share and develop your fantasies. Learning SM is like learning to ski or to ride a bicycle. Expect some fumbling and wobbling at first. As with any art, you will get better and better. Start easy. The fantasies of virgins are notoriously excessive and impractical. Try just a blindfold, pretend-bondage and talking in dominant-submissive roles. Try SM with someone you like and trust: a spouse, lover or close friend. SM can only enrich what you already share. Don't ask people what they do in SM; it's a no-win. Do tell people you're a beginner, ask for advice and maybe for a limited scene. Beginning masochists naturally fear SM could get out of hand. Agree on a "safe word" like "pumpkin" or any nonsense word, as a signal for "stop." Some like "green" for "more," "yellow" for "ease up" and "red" for "stop." Learn from yourself. Try bondage, fetish clothing, pain, SM toys, etc., in front of a mirror. Take pictures. Write your own sex ad, even if you'll never publish it. For beginners it's a remarkable discovery of self-image. You'll rewrite it tomorrow! Call all the SM ads you can find. Tell them you're new and ask for advice. Don't skip the gays, nor the commercials nor the straights. Try to talk to the person behind the ad, not to a projected fantasy role. Talk to people already into SM. Many of us will talk and listen for hours. Survey your friends about dominant-submissive loveplay. Don't use "SM" or "sadomasochism"; these words may be too strong. See how much there is. Call your local sex hotline. Ask for someone who knows about SM. (In San Francisco, it's S.F.S.I., 415-665-7300, Mon-Fri, 3-9 PM).Volunteer to serve on the hotline. Great training, great people. Take courses in sexuality; many are open to non-degree students. Explore SM bars, shops, clubs; get leads from one to another. Join SM clubs for friends, support, partners. Get a private mailbox; write to other people into SM. If you pay for commercial SM partners, use those that practice SM in their own lives. Same prices, big difference in quality and caring. Answer SM ads. Meet on neutral ground if you're nervous. Most are responsible. It's OK not to like them all! Place your own ad, emphasizing what you have to offer, not your fantasy. Your phone number will bring some freak calls; a call asking what you charge may be the vice squad, doing their homework. (Answer "mutual pleasure." That price is too high for them!) Freak calls and vice baiting are fun, but a private mailbox will probably bring comparable serious replies.Discount the sleaze; that's just our anti-sex culture. As in any subculture, some sifting in SM will turn up many fine people. Good luck there! This essay attempts an introduction to SM. However, there is a problem in "teaching" SM. SM is an experiential discipline, like music, which you cannot understand without experiencing it yourself; and SM has the extra twist that what you experience is your own erotic self. However, everyone is different and SM, the discipline which takes us into ourselves, is seen differently by different people. Thus, someone else doing an introductory essay about SM might do it all different - everything - and be perfectly right, too. So when you encounter quite different ideas of what SM is, not to worry, it is still all the same. Also, then, be clear that this essay, like any other writing about SM, offers only words and abstractions about something which can be real only as personal experience, inside you. It may comfort some, or interest others, to read a verbal theory about SM; but a whole library of books and films on SM will not teach you as much as the first time that you yourself put handcuffs onto someone you desire, or that someone who desires you puts them onto you. At that moment you will begin to experience your erotic self, not indirectly, in words and concepts, nor as a fixed given, but directly, and as a willed variable (your will or someone else's). And that is why SM is at once so important, so terrifying and so joyous. SM leads us on important journeys back into ourselves. They are important because the self we return to has changed and grown. SM is a development of our uniqueness, our reality, our limits, our fantasies. We become different in how we can love and be loved. We sadomasochists learn to do SM without knowing in advance just how it will turn out - no limits! - because we have learned how to trust ourselves and one another.
Dedicated with deepest affection to The Benevolent Autocrat. © Copyright Don Miesen, 1981. NOTE: The Benevolent Autocrat was a gentlemen who used to run ads looking for BDSM partners in the Northern California underground newspaper, The Berkeley Barb, in the late 1960s and 1970s. He also gave several lectures about SM to college groups in the 1970s. Don Miesen, the author of What Is SadoMasochism considered him to be his Mentor. |
