One Woman's Search for a Real-Life Support Group

by Amanda

Like most of us in this lovely lifestyle of ours, I can use all the support I can get. While IronRose provides the sense of community that I need (along with some wonderful friendships) I'm greedy - I wanted more. One-on-one real life meetings weren't enough, I wanted a local support group. When I first decided that I was ready for this step there were no local groups in my area; the closest ones were about 2 hours away. I'm a great coward when it comes to new situations, I like to know where I'm going and what I'm going to find when I get there, and somehow I just never seemed to find the time (or courage!) to check out one of these existing groups.

About a year ago a member of IronRose told me of a new munch group that was being formed in my area and gave me the name of the woman to contact (has anyone but me noticed that its almost always women who run these groups?). I was excited that this was a *new* group, it seemed easier to walk into a room full of strangers if I knew that they were all strangers to each other as well. I went to the first couple of munches but realized pretty quickly that this wasn't what I was seeking. All of the members were in their early 20's, a different generation from me, and the conversations revolved not around BDSM but other topics that interested them such as music, their college experiences, their tentative beginnings at living their own lives. Although everyone was very nice I never stopped feeling like the odd man out, a different generation with different life experiences and expectations. I never felt part of the group, and eventually I stopped attending the munches. I still wanted real-life support but I put it on the back burner and just coasted along thinking that 'one day' I would try and do something about it.

A few months ago, the perfect situation occurred to do something about it. I learned through IronRose that a new PEP chapter (People Exchanging Power) was opening in my town. I was really excited to learn about this group and immediately fired off an email to the woman in charge to be added to the mailing list. I looked forward to the first meeting - I was a nervous wreck thinking of walking into the place for the first time, but I was still looking forward to it! Finally the big night arrived, the first meeting. I dithered about what to wear (my mom was staying with me at the time and I couldn't exactly walk out in full fetish gear even if I had *owned* full fetish gear!). I knew that all kinds of clothes are seen at these meetings from business suits to full leather and I finally settled on good old basic black, wearing a simple outfit of black pants and top. Because I am a control freak in situations like this, I arrived at the bar where the meeting was being held about 30 minutes early - when walking into a new situation I like to be able to scope out the neighborhood and have some idea what I'm walking into. I checked out the exterior of the bar (not too seedy, which was something I was worried about), and drove around the immediate neighborhood getting a feel for where there was safe parking and what kind of neighborhood it was. Finally I parked across the street from the bar and sat in my car for a bit to see who was going in; I wanted some idea of who was attending, what they were wearing, etc. I saw quite a few people going in and the longer I watched the worse I felt - there were very few women walking in and everyone one of them was 20-something, size 6, and in the company of a male. Finally, I gave up - I knew there was no way I could walk into that strange bar full of strangers by myself. I drove home, signed online, and cried on MK's shoulder for awhile about my 'failure' (she is so patient with me <grin> she made me feel better and gave me courage not to give up entirely). I didn't make it to any of the next few meetings, I always had an excuse about being too busy.

This state of affairs lasted until I attended BR98. The sense of community that I found there was wonderful! I particularly enjoyed the cyber women's dinner - an entire room full of laughing, talking, sharing women who didn't care that they had never met you before or that you were older, or younger, or fatter, or thinner, or prettier than they were. It was one big sisterhood and I loved it. Walking through the dungeon at BR98 I watched people running into others that they knew, little reunions going on everywhere. I watched Blush, who was so shy about 'coming to BR98 alone', stopping every few feet to chat with another member of TES that she knew. Even though everyone at BR98 was friendly and happy to chat, people still tended to stick with those that they knew - its simple human nature to be more at ease with familiar faces. I came away from BR98 determined that I would expand my community and become known to a wider circle of people. When I returned and checked my email, there was an announcement of the next PEP meeting, a special meeting featuring Mistress Nona of Mistress Mine Magazine, who was going to do a demonstration of the spider web (japenese bondage). There was a demonstration of this same subject at BR98 and I had missed it because I was lazy and slept in - definitely someone somewhere was telling me to get myself to this meeting!

This time around I had no trouble deciding what to wear, I had my BR98 T-shirt and my new corset (one for confidence and one to generate conversation, I'll leave it up to you to decide which was which <grin>). I knew where to go, where to park, and I didn't let myself sit in the car and lose my courage. I planned my drive so that I arrived about 10 minutes before the start time, this way I would have time to check out the interior of the bar and get comfortable with the situation before the meeting started. I was still really nervous walking in, but determined not to chicken out this time (besides, I figured MK would wash her hands of me if I did!). Entering the bar was tough, it was quite crowded with people who (amazingly enough) didn't all immediately stop what they were doing and crowd around me to welcome me and make me feel at home. I found the man who was collecting the entrance fees and bought a ticket - he was really nice and we kidded around a lot and flirted a little and I started to feel a bit more at home. Unfortunately they weren't quite set up yet and we had to wait out in the bar area - I hate standing around not knowing anyone and I'm too shy to strike up a conversation with strangers unless they initiate it, so the minutes really dragged by. Finally they were ready and we all filed into the back room. They had small round tables set up around a stage area, tables that were filling up quickly. I geared up my courage and grabbed a chair at one of the tables, asking if the others there minded if I sat with them. They didn't exactly welcome me with open arms, but they made room for me and we introduced ourselves. The leader of the group got up to welcome everyone and welcome Mistress Nona, and then she introduced a friend of Mistress Nona's who had come along - it was Bobbi Swan! I was really excited, finally here was someone I knew! Bobbi Swan has been at IronRose, she is the editor of Our Way magazine which has featured MistressKim, and I had talked with her online. After introductions a break was declared, food was put out, and people were encouraged to mingle before starting the demonstration. I went up to Bobbi and introduced myself (I didn't expect her to remember me and she didn't, but she was lovely and gracious and seemed genuinely glad to meet me). From then on I started to enjoy the evening. Bobbi came over and chatted with me for some time, which was a painless way for me to meet others at the meeting as they were coming up to meet Bobbi. The demonstration was fascinating (I was in complete envy of the man in the middle of that spider web!), the food was delicious, the soft drinks were free, the people were friendly, the conversation was about enjoying BDSM (stressing the same concepts of SS&C behavior that IR does, which gave me a very secure feeling) - what more could I ask?

I can't say that I've made a lot of new friends, but I can say that I've met some nice people. That horrible frightening first experience is finally under my belt, and I know that its going to be a lot easier for me to walk in that door next time. Besides, I know the doorman now and he made me promise to come back <grin>. Who knows, by the time BR99 rolls around next year I may have two support groups, IronRose and my PEP group! IronRose will always be my primary support, all of you are always there night after night, but, even though its only once a month right now, I'm hoping that I've found another form of support that will help me grow. I do urge any of you who have a support group within driving distance to GO - be braver than I was and don't keep putting it off. I think that its important to get out there and make yourself known, to make contacts, to meet people. Any sincere BDSM support group is going to maintain your privacy, you don't have to worry about meeting someone at a vanilla party and having them blurt out "I know you, you are that submissive I met last week!". One of the women I met at BR98 gave me courage by telling me how hard it was for her to walk into her first meeting, and how much she has grown since, and I hope that this will in some small way do the same for someone else <smile>.