Style

The Usual Disclaimer Bit

Everyone has their own style. I'm not going to even begin to say "this is the way you should act." It's the variety of styles that keeps life interesting. I'll stick with my usual "so long as it's safe, sane and consensual, it doesn't bother me".

So what is it I'm trying to talk about? I guess it's the question of how to come across as Dominant and stylish rather than simply being pushy and aggressive.

The Gentry vs. Nouveau Riche

A close parallel can be drawn with the difference between "old money" and the nouveau riche. Nouveau riche is a term coined for exactly this purpose, showing up the distinction. Essentially, there is perceived to be something different, something inferior about "new money" as opposed the more established "old money".

In this case, the focus appears to be about money. People assume that once they get money they'll be on the same level as the established "old money", that they'll be entitled to the same respect, the same attitudes and so on. The other side is that even though they are now wealthy, they'll still never be "quite the same."

The false assumption comes from thinking it's about money. It's not. It's about all the subtle things that come with growing up with the social position [that generally money has brought, true]. Snobbishness aside, an aristocrat will still act with the same dignity, the same expectation of prompt obedience, the same attitude, even if they have fallen on financially hard times. England is littered with stories of impoverished aristocrats who have continued with dignity long after their wealth has left them.

So, essentially, the nouveau riche will always be just the nouveau riche, regardless of how much money they have, unless they learn the far subtler aspects that are so integral.

Back to D/s

Being a Dom/me is much the same thing. Distressingly frequently, there are Dom/mes who believe that being loud, aggressive, pushy, dismissive and so on make them [at least appear] Dominant. It doesn't, it simply makes them appear rude and, in the majority of cases, wannabes.

Being a Dominant is generally, it is true, about being respected, obeyed, perhaps even feared a little, about being able to take or leave a situation and thereby control it. The difference being how you go about it, about the style you exhibit.

Just as a stylish aristocrat would never shout the odds about how important they are, a stylish Dom/me doesn't need to put on a dramatic performance. The subtlety and the confidence, in both cases, shows what they really are. The nouveau riche show themselves up by their pushiness and wannabe Dom/mes tend to do much the same. If you catch yourself being loud, rude or aggressive, ask yourself "what image is it really giving out?"

Your Personal Style

As I said at the start, everyone has their own style and it is that diversity that breathes colour in to the scene. There may be times when being pushy and aggressive, even rude, is entirely appropriate. If you are playing a scene where the character is such, that's fair enough.

Equally, that may be how you express your Dominant side and you may find your submissive appreciates it. Just remember that being pushy and aggressive is regarded as rude (as opposed to stylish) and you'll be regarded by much of the scene in the same way.

A Final Note

Don't just take my word for it. If you're a part of a community, take a look around. Who are the Dom/mes that people respect, who are the ones that aren't as respected? You'll generally find those who are loud, pushy and aggressive are regarded as putting on a show, where as those who are understated are regarded as simply being Dominant. The second group are generally the far more respected.