The following appeared on our mail list in June 2001. The author has graciously
granted permission to share the content on our website so that more readers
can derive benefits from it. Many thanks to Sinsational for allowing
us to use this! As you will see, the difference is very black and white.
"The difference between an abusive controlling jerk & a
Dominant"
Lately I have been concerned that novices involving themselves in this
lifestyle might find themselves in situations where they are experiencing
abuse of the worst kind because it is excused as being BDSM or D/s.
This is not to judge anyone or their relationship, it is strictly my
opinion on what the difference is between BDSM D/s and abuse. The
difference between a Dominant and an abusive controlling jerk ( a**hole
is actually a much more appropriate term due to the fact that both the
abusive controlling jerk and one's a**hole are at almost all times full
of shit ) according to Sin:
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An abusive controlling jerk...
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A Dominant...
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Is very jealous
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Has control of his/her sense of self and his/her self confidence,
he/she is not jealous because he/she is self assured and does not
rely upon another human being for his/her sense of worth, self or
confidence. Jealousy does not equal or show love. Jealousy contains
the word "lousy" because it is a lousy way to show the
world just how emotionally immature and insecure one is. Not
something any Dominant person would want to claim or show
themselves to be.
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Will sulk silently and withdraw emotionally when upset
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Does not sulk silently but takes control of his/her emotions
and deals with them openly and honestly because he/she is self
confident and knows that emotions are to be dealt with and that
having emotions or difficulties in life is not a condemning
judgment on his/her "self". A Dominant is not afraid
of feelings or emotions, theirs or other peoples.
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Will have an explosive temper
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If he/she is truly to have control over another human must first
have control over themselves. It they can't control their own
temper/emotions how are they to be trusted to control issues
for another human being? Anger or any emotion is normal to feel,
what crosses the line into abuse is the expression of those
emotions and lack of control of that expression and those
expressions and reactions creating a fear in those around
them.
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Will criticize and put down his/her partner a lot
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Does not need to criticize and/or put down another human
being in order to feel "better than" another person.
Any behavior or set of behaviors that degrade another person's
sense of self, sense of confidence, sense of self worth or self
esteem is abuse, their is no grey area here, this is very black
and white. BDSM activities that include humiliation are for the
pleasure of the person being humiliated, if such activities degrade
the person's sense of self worth, esteem, confidence or sense of
self a Dominant shouldn't continue with such activities. A Dominant
should at all times be aware of what his/her control is doing to
his/her submissive emotionally and physically and accept responsibility
for such. Anything else is ABUSE. A Dominant strives to help the
submissive be the best they can be in all aspects. A Dominant does
not strive to destroy the submissive's sense of self, sense of worth,
self esteem or self confidence but rather a Dominant strives to enhance
those aspects in the submissive.
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Will have difficulty expressing his/her feelings
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Is self confident and self assured enough to know that emotions
are a fact of life and that the expression of doubt, the admitting
of mistakes or the acknowledgement that they don't always have all
the answers is not a death sentence for their being. Dominants don't
have egos that are based on false perceptions or false presentations
of themselves to the rest of the world.
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May drink heavily or abuse drugs
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Is responsible enough to know where the line is between use and
abuse of mind altering substances. A Dominant thrives on being
in control and the abuse of alcohol or drugs creates the inability
to be in control of oneself, never mind another human being, even
if only for a short period of time while the substance is in their
body. A person doesn't abuse another person because they are drunk
or stoned, they consciously get drunk or stoned so that they can
lose control and have the excuse it was the alcohol and drugs
responsible and not them. This is also know as not accepting
responsibility and blaming others for their
behavior.
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Will be protective of his/her partner to the point of being
controlling
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Protects and controls his/her partner for the best interest of the whole
and not out of fear of losing that person ( jealousy). A Dominant is not
afraid of his/her submissive being self sufficient and able to survive
without the Dominant in their life. A Dominant doesn't control things
out of fear of being left by the submissive so therefore doesn't
control things to make the possibility of the submissive leaving
impossible.
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Will be controlling of his/her partner's
behavior, money, or decisions
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Protects and controls his/her partner for the best interest of
the whole and not out of fear of losing that person ( jealousy).
A Dominant is not afraid of his/her submissive being self sufficient
and able to survive without the Dominant in their life. A Dominant
doesn't control things out of fear of being left by the submissive
so therefore doesn't control things to make the possibility of the
submissive leaving impossible. The deciding factor here is the Dominants
motivation for the control of difference aspects of the submissive's
life. Controlling out of best interest and concern = Dominant. Controlling
out of fear of losing the person or losing control of the person = Abusive
controlling jerk.
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May have broken or thrown objects at his/her partner; hit, shoved,
kicked his/her partner when angry, frustrated or emotional
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Is so in control of themselves that they will not allow their
emotions to control their behavior and reactions but rather they
control their reactions to their emotions. This one too is black
and white. Anyone who hits, strikes, belittles, threatens physical
violence, financial harm of another human being in anger or in an
attempt to gain or maintain control is ABUSIVE. A Dominant does not
have to use any of the above to gain or maintain control. Punishment
meted out in anger or frustration, regardless of the persons stated
reasons for such "punishment" is ABUSE. In BDSM and D/s
this issue can be very confusing for the submissive to recognize
as abuse especially if the abuser states his/her
behavior is based on some perceived infraction by the submissive. If an
activity leaves the submissive feeling, dirty, fearful, scared,
or in any way shape or form negatively effected then the event
was abuse. A Dominant will recognize that and immediately set
about repairing any damage done to the submissive. An abusive
controlling jerk, will walk away sulking until the abused person
runs to them to make things all better.
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Will use emotional blackmail, emotional withdrawal, withdrawal of
affection and give the cold shoulder to gain control
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Would never use such tactics to manipulate control because they
have other skills and exude such as air of confidence and security
and instill such immense trust in their submissive that the submissive
willingly submits. Emotional blackmail and the withdrawal of affection,
support and communication destroys trust and security in the Dominant
for the submissive. The response from the submissive is therefore out
of fear and not out of a heart felt need to submit. Wanting to submit
because it makes you feel safe and secure is BDSM and D/s. Submitting
out of fear of what will happen if you don't is ABUSE, no grey area
here, this one is black and white. Dominants know that the withdrawal
of affection or emotional support will destroy the foundation of trust
that is imperative to a D/s or BDSM relationship and would never do
such things.
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Does not accept responsibility for their actions, words, reaction,
choices, behavior, decisions. Instead, they blame everyone and
everything else on the planet but NEVER themselves. They never
clean up the messes they make, rather they have everyone around
them so tense everyone else runs around fixing the problems for
fear of what the jerk will do if the problem continues or the
mess is still there in plain sight.
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Readily accepts total responsibility for every, action, word,
reaction, choice, behavior, decision they make or do. A Dominant
is not afraid to admit they made a mistake or misjudged something.
A Dominant accepts responsibility and sets out to rectify the issues,
problems or messes they caused.
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