Preventing Domestic Violence in the Leather/BDSM/Fetish Community

by National Leather Association-International (NLA-I) and Victoria Knight
Copyright © NLA-I

Pamphlet 12: Considerations for the Deaf

Distinguishing abuse to and with these individuals:

What is a healthy relationship with a deaf person?

A deaf person might be defined as anyone with the inability to hear, a person who is deaf in one ear or has a limited range of hearing. They may identify as a Dominant, Mistress, Master, Daddy, Submissive, Switch, Bottom or Slave. Their identity and the ability or lack of ability to hear are not related. Deafness is not limited by race, orientation, gender, identity or sexuality.

Some people within the BDSM community have the misconception that deaf people only desire to play with other deaf people, are difficult to play with because of their disability or think that the deaf person will be unable to care sufficiently for themselves during a scene or that negotiations will be impossible. These are not necessarily true. Any of these same things could be true of any other BDSM relationship where all partners have full hearing. A healthy deaf person usually does none of these things. They are someone who has taken the time to learn good negotiation skills, has a life that works well; has good relationships with their friends, they make appropriate safety and partnering choices for themselves and can operate independently with high levels of self-sufficiency. Many deaf people are very careful about who they choose to become involved with because they value themselves and they want to safeguard themselves against abuse or maltreatment.

Healthy relationships with the deaf are about mutual respect and care. When each party takes the time to learn good communication skills, seeks to stop behaving in old patterns/paradigms that may be left over from their childhood or past hurts, takes responsibility for their mistakes and has learned how to practice healthy conflict/resolution skills then they are likely to have great relationships. Healthy deaf people and their partners need to take time getting to know someone before they trust them, be honest about their concerns and not manipulate to get their needs met. They should seek relationships that are win-win.

What is considered abuse to or with a deaf person?

Since many people who identify as deaf are engaged with others who are not, it might not be easy to see the abuse at first. Random House Webster's Dictionary defines abuse as "to use wrongly or improperly" and "to treat in a harmful, injurious or offensive way." Abuse and domestic violence within BDSM relationships, especially deaf partnered with hearing ones, are frequently overlooked, discounted, tolerated or accepted because the abuse is not readily apparent to outsiders or the deaf person may not want to appear as a "victim." Abuse of the deaf often comes in the form of restricted communication and access to other deaf people for friendships, isolating them, heavy criticisms about their level or skill of language, invalidation or restriction on their contributions or involvement, etc. Abuse can and does occur to the deaf, even by other deaf people, and if the partners are or have been intimates, then it is considered domestic violence. In either case each party should get help quickly.

What does abuse towards a deaf person look like?

• coercion, threats or demands that the deaf person agree to what you are saying even if they do not understand it or conform to your method of communication (writing, lip read only, etc.)
• refusal to allow them to be part of the negotiation process on things that concern them unless they have agreed in advance to do this; turning away to speak to someone about them so that the deaf person can't read your lips
• non-consensual dominance or control of a deaf person as a "right" due to them for toleration of their disability
• non-consensual prevention, interruption or refusal of hearing aides, writing materials or other method of their preferred communication
• physical abuse, blackmail, repeated verbal assaults, chronic belittling, refusal to adhere to safety practices as negotiated or allowing re-negotiation when the deaf person needs it, etc.
• threats or acts to turn off the lights (preventing communication by writing or signing), binding their hands, gagging or putting tape over their mouth if demands are not met
• forcing, manipulating, coercing, demanding or bribing a deaf person to have sex or provide service to anyone or in any way that violates agreements or previous negotiations
• negotiating someone into agreements without their full informed consent, especially contracts that are designed to intentionally withhold important information from a deaf person that they would have not agreed to otherwise
• manipulating someone into financial or emotional dependence without taking precautions should conflict or the need to leave occur

If you think you may be in an abusive BDSM relationship:
You may feel that no one will understand what you are going through. You may feel alone. Look up a BDSM sensitive therapist on-line through the KINK-Aware Professionals list ( www.bannon.com/~race/kap ) and get help. You do not deserve to be abused and you cannot prevent it with more control or better service. Abuse and Domestic Violence can occur even in well-negotiated relationships to bottoms and tops alike and it is not okay. Get help.

Trust your instincts. Make a plan. Get help so you can get out.

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If you are the victim of abuse or domestic violence,
get help now or make a plan to get out.

For 24-hour crisis assistance, please call:
1-800-799-SAFE or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) for the hearing impaired.

Abuse can and does happen to anyone and it is not okay.