ABUSE IS NOT S/M
AND
S/M IS NOT ABUSE

Whether you are topping, or bottoming, or both, these are some questions to ask yourself:

• Is your partner turned on by violating your limits or terms?
• Does your partner not use a safe word, and then later say you violated his/her limits?
• Does she claim to know more about your s/m "energy" than you do?
• Does your partner try to extend a dynamic outside of a scene without your consent?
• Does your partner expect you to read her mind about what she/he wants?
• Does your partner refuse to talk about what felt wrong or confusing to you about a scene?
• Does your partner negotiate while in role when you haven't agreed to that?
• Do you feel guilty after playing, like you've done something wrong?
• Do you feel like you're playing because you have to?
• Does your partner involve others in your scenes without asking?
• Does your partner say you pushed her/him too far even though you stayed within the limits you negotiated?
• Does your partner humiliate you by talking about your play in public without your consent?
• Does your partner use arousal or orgasm as evidence of consent?
• Do you feel fear or dread about ending a scene or setting a limit?
• Does she say you're not "real" for wanting to switch or pressure you into switching?
• Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?
• Do you feel that if you could just play better, be hotter or give/take more, everything could be okay?
• Does you partner use scenes to suppress or cover up anger and frustration?