ETIQUETTE IN THE SCENE

We recommend the following guidelines for BD/SM parties and events.

In case you were wondering, many of them are distilled from Carol Truscott's excellent article, Party Ethics, in Issue 2 of The Sandmutopia Guardian (April 1988).

1. Arriving and leaving: Be aware of your hosts' neighbors. If your costume is too kinky or too sexual to be displayed to children, wear something over it ... a coat, a cape, or even coveralls. If covering it won't work, wear ordinary clothing and change into your costume at our hosts' house.
2. Along the same lines, carry your toys inconspicuously. Suggestions? Try gym bags, brown paper bags, attaché cases, and fishing rod containers (for canes and crops).
3. If you bring a guest who is not part of the group, it's your responsibility to make sure he or she is appropriate for a BD/SM party.
4. No drugs or alcohol. Period.
5. In the case of drugs, the reasons are self-evident.
   • As to alcohol, it's not the drinking but the behavior that's unacceptable.
6. Never give out another person's phone number or personal information without his or her permission. This applies always, not just at the party.
7. If you are the person wanting the phone number and the person whose number you want is unavailable, give your number to someone who knows you both, and let him or her ask the other person to call you.
8. If you meet someone you want to do a scene with, discuss it adequately with him or her first. In other words, negotiate the activities and limits.
9. Some Pointers
   • Don't assume someone is a top or bottom. He or she may have switched for the evening.
   • We encourage bottoms who are interested in playing with a top to approach the top.
   • Be honest about your interests and about your limits.
   • Be sure to discuss any medical problems your partner needs to know about (e.g., back problems, shoulder problems, sinus congestion, a trick knee).
10. A safe word is what a bottom says if the scene becomes more than he or she can handle. It's usually a word unlikely to be said in a scene ... such as "Red" for stop everything. More rarely, a top may use a safe word to stop a scene if there seems to be a problem.
11. It's a good idea to establish a house safe word for the party. If none is established beforehand, the universal safe word is "Safe word."
12. Bring your own toys.
13. Ask for permission before borrowing toys. If you have the opportunity to use equipment you're unfamiliar with, ask the owner to explain and demonstrate it.
14. Watch your back swing, especially with whips. Make sure you have enough room to swing without injuring bystanders or passersby.
15. If you're a shrieker, ask for a gag. Topping a shrieker? Gag him or her.
16. In a similar vein, if you're doing a verbal humiliation or adoration scene, keep your voices consistent with the noise level of the play space.
17. If you want to watch a scene, stay far enough back not to intrude on the physical and emotional space of the players.
18. Never walk through someone's scene. Walk around.
19. Keep conversations in the play area to a minimum. When you're watching a bottom being painted with a flogger or with candle wax is not the time to talk about the World Series or your recent vacation to Carlsbad Caverns.
20. If you want to know something about the toys the top is using, wait until after the scene is over before asking.
21. If perchance you're asked to assist in a scene (e.g., if the top needs an extra pair of hands for a few minutes), don't assume you've been invited to stay or to get more involved.
22. If your scene is messy (e.g., candle wax or cut-to-fit bondage such as tape or Saran Wrap), clean up after yourself. A drop cloth is a cool idea.
23. Appoint a Dungeon Monitor, whose responsibility is to keep an eye on the play and intervene if there is a problem. Examples: if equipment is being used dangerously or if a safe word is spoken and not responded to.
24. If you observe activity you think may be unsafe, bring it quietly to the attention of the Dungeon Monitor or your host.

Have safe, sane, consensual fun.