Play Party Etiquette

By Horseman from RKS Society

This guide was originally written for an RKS demo on play party etiquette. It might seem to be very strict and/or written for a complete moron. In fact, it wasn't.. It was written for the person who's never attended a party before and has no idea of what to expect or how to behave--and the scene certainly does have its own rules of what's okay and what's not. Therefore, we tried to write as comprehensive a guide as possible, covering every situation we've seen or could think of and then some.

Most of the general rules of scene etiquette relate to each other. This is actually pretty obvious, after thinking about it for a moment.

Standard Etiquette

• Politeness will get you a long way in the scene. Treat other people as you’d like to be treated
• Perhaps the best rule of thumb in scene etiquette: If you would be embarrassed by something you did becoming public knowledge, don’t do it. If it upsets someone, it’s probably going to become known to others.
• You will notice people who are close to each other committing what looks like flagrant etiquette violations. Most often, these people are friends, and don’t feel offended by their close friends’ jibes. Do not assume that because they can, you can.
• Following someone around is likely to creep them out and is often cause for expulsion.
• Touching other people or their toys is also cause for expulsion. Even casual touching can be cause for expulsion. For example, a casual touch on the arm is a violation if the person being touched did not give their permission. Touching collars, cuffs, and other apparel also qualifies as a violation. To stay on safe ground, get their permission beforehand. Otherwise, you are taking your chances.
• Confidentiality is very highly valued in the scene. Treat all personal information you are given by someone as confidential unless they tell you specifically otherwise. E-mail addresses, screen names, and the like should all be kept confidential unless you have someone’s specific permission to give it out.
• While fetish-wear is popular in the scene, someone’s clothing will tell you absolutely zero about their BDSM interests or experience level. A casually dressed person is not always a newbie, and the leather-clad goddess decked out in high-heeled boots and black clothing might not have the slightest idea how to wield the flogger on her belt safely. Make no assumptions.
• Lying about one’s experience level is gauche, and will usually be found out.
• Lying about one’s marital status is also frowned upon, and will usually be found out.
• Lies of omission (about marital status, health status, etc) will also usually be found out, and most people will consider it a lie.
• Asking personal questions (one’s real name, where they live or work, etc.) is usually considered rude until you’ve established a personal relationship with them.
• Repeatedly asking for anything even after you’ve been turned down is rude. For example, asking someone repeatedly to play with you, to give you their phone number, and the like make you look like you won’t take no for an answer. Would you play with someone like that?
• Attempts to contact someone outside of the BDSM arena without their knowledge (covertly obtaining their phone number, contacting them on the street, etc.) will raise unpleasant thoughts of stalkers in the contactee's mind and will guarantee negative connotations to your name. Asking Person A for information about Person B, even if you know them both, is a bad idea. It puts Person A in an unpleasant bind. Go directly to Person B, who will appreciate your straightforwardness.
• E-mail or IMs are means of communication in which many more people are willing to discuss BDSM. Still, even if you’re only seeking guidance, your first contact should be brief and not contain sexual references. Refrain from sending your complete psychological history to a complete stranger. That can wait until you’ve established some rapport.
• Not all submissives--in fact, very few submissives--are instructed to be submissive to all dominants. Do not expect a submissive to be submissive to you simply because they are wearing a collar.
• Expecting people who don’t know you to call you ‘Sir’, ‘Mistress’ or any respectful title will make you look more like a pompous windbag than a respect-worthy dom. Titles and respect are both earned. Pompous behavior in general invites scorn rather than respect.
• Name dropping will usually make you look like you’re trying to break into the scene. Name dropping people who have never heard of you will make you look like a pathological liar. Even the most casual name-dropping may be checked.
• References are a good thing. Ask someone before using them as a reference. If you don’t, you may end up with a mixed or negative reference.
• Some dominants prefer that you address them before speaking to their submissives. Some don’t care. If you don’t know, err on the side of caution and ask the dominant.
• If a dominant requires that someone ask him/her before addressing his/her submissive, it is his/her responsibility to inform others of this rule. Complete strangers should be forgiven once (but not twice!)
• Submission is not a competition. Submissive cat-fights over who is the most submissive are unseemly. More subtle I’m-more-subby-than-you tactics are also unseemly, and rarely go unnoticed.
• Domination is also not a competition. Attempts at being heavier/Domlier/better-than-thou are also unseemly. Like above, no matter how subtle you try to make it, it’ll usually be noticed and resented.
• Toybags are also not a competition. While some of us are die-hard believers that ‘He who dies with the most toys wins’, denigrating other people’s toybags or loudly proclaiming the superiority of your own is immature. Let toy-whore glee be innocent.
• While imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, copying someone else’s dom/sub style, clothing, or toybags down to the smallest detail is usually indicative of disturbing psychopathology. Learn from others and pick up toys you’re interested in, but develop your own style.
• Playful threats towards a submissive you’re personal friends with may be considered cute and delightful. Playful threats towards a submissive you have just met will probably be considered an unsolicited advance or a general lack of etiquette.
• Likewise, tattling to a submissive’s dominant about his/her misbehavior is usually considered cute and harmless among friends. Tattling to a submissive’s dominant when you don’t know either of them will make you look whiny.
• There are DM’s, hosts, or People In Authority at most organized BDSM settings. They are there to enforce the rules. They are not psychic, however. If you are victimized by someone, let those in authority know. They cannot do anything for you without knowing that something is wrong.
• DM’s are generally given extremely wide latitude in judgment. Most of the time, it’s final. Thus, arguing with them is a poor idea.
• There are also always new people in the scene. Try to set a good example for them. Even if you’re new in the scene yourself, people will respect you more if you look like you know your stuff.

Player's Ettiquette

• Obvious as it may seem, follow the rules, whether in regard to play or non-play (i.e., smoking, drinking, sex, food, photography, etc.) If you want to discuss a particular rule, state your case politely and ask for an explanation of the reasons for the rules. Simply deciding you will do what you want indicates you don’t respect the rules and will therefore be a problem guest for any host. Problem guests are usually not invited back.
• Generally, if someone does something to interrupt your scene, it’s easiest to get a DM involved. Policing the party is their job; let them make the call and get back to your scene. Complete newbies may benefit from a quiet correction.
• Both bottoms and tops should inform each other of any special needs or restrictions they have. This includes medical, psychological, or physical needs. When in doubt, tell them.
• If you want to do something which might look non-consensual, it is a good idea to inform the host or DM beforehand. This shows that you are smart enough to realize that your play might look non-consensual. Otherwise, they will have to make a judgment call on the spot on your scene.
• Play space and equipment is often at a premium. Monopolizing play furniture is inconsiderate.
• If someone else involves themselves in your scene without prior clearance, you are technically justified in taking aim at them. (This includes bottoms as well as tops.) It may be less problematic to get them out of the scene and take it up with a host later on. That is really up to your discretion.
• If someone is talking or otherwise distracting your scene, it is OK to approach them and ask them politely to move or stop talking.
• If you are topping and see someone trying to get by you, try to let them past in a reasonable time frame.
• If you’re co-topping, defer to the judgment of the primary top. Ask them if you have any questions.
• If you choose to bring someone else into your scene as a co-top, realize that they probably won’t know your bottom as well as you.

Spectator's Etiquette

• It’s OK to ask someone else for a scene politely. If you’re turned down, accept it graciously.
• It is perfectly acceptable to not watch a scene or to leave if anything about it bothers you.
• Join a scene only when invited. Otherwise, you will probably be escorted from the premises as well as the scene.
• When other people are playing, respect their playspace. It is extremely poor form to interrupt a scene for any reason, i.e. "to make sure the bottom is OK". That is the top’s job, not the spectator’s. If you honestly think something is wrong or nonconsensual, get a host or DM.
• Watching scenes should be done quietly and appreciatively. Don’t talk while watching the scene: talking to the participants is the same as involving yourself, and will incur the same penalties. Talking to other spectators is rude. If you want to discuss things, go somewhere else.
• Act your age when watching scenes. Even if it’s the most extreme thing you’ve ever seen, or one of the participants is the most attractive human being you’ve seen in your life, sit there and watch. If you behave immaturely, you’re going to be treated as such.
• If a top asks you to stop talking or move, it’s best to apologize and do so.
• If a top is swinging a flogger and you want to get by, first see if there’s a way you can go around without getting in the way. If there isn’t, try to get where the top can see you and wait. Once they see you, they will pick an appropriate time to hold back so you can get by. Move as quickly as you can through the playspace.
• When watching a scene, try to make sure you’re out of the top’s swing space as well as the personal space of the players. Otherwise you may get a non-consensual flogging in the face.
• If you really liked a scene, wait until it’s finished to tell the players involved. But don’t run right up to compliment the scene. Allow for some cool down time for both the top and the bottom.
• Offering unsolicited advice and/or criticism is inappropriate. Offer your thoughts only if asked. Unsolicited criticism will make you at least one enemy, and will make you look pompous. As before, concerns on genuine non-consensuality or violations of rules should be addressed to whoever is in authority.
• Criticism of players or different ways of play is not appropriate. People play at different levels. People who play heavier than you are not psychopaths, and people who play lighter than you are not wimps.
• Making fun of others (their clothing, gestures, rituals, body types, and the like) wasn’t nice in kindergarten, and it isn’t nice now.
• When a scene is done and the bottom is receiving after-care, it’s OK to offer some help (getting drinks or a blanket is most common) . This is not required. Offers should be as non-intrusive as possible, and should be addressed to the top.
• If a submissive is offering services, "please" and "thank you" are still appropriate unless you are specifically told otherwise by that person’s dominant.
• Helping to clean up afterwards shows thoughtfulness, and will give you positive differentiation from the 80% of others who don’t. Don’t ask, just do it!

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