Play Party Etiquette

Copyright © 1996 Phil Carson. All rights reserved.

Imagine, for just a moment, that you are topping or bottoming in one of the following scenes at a play party:

• You are engaged in a bondage scene, with the bottom tightly tied, gagged, and blindfolded. Without invitation, a loud voice from the crowd watching the scene begins to offer ominous suggestions as to what evil things should be done to the helpless bottom.
• You are involved in an intense, delicate CBT piercing scene, and the top is about to continue piercing the bottom's scrotum when one of the onlookers approaches the top, gets close to her, and loudly begins to ask questions about technique.
• You are administering a single-tail lashing to a bottom. One crack of the whip across the bottom's back is so intense that, were she not cuffed standing to a St. Andrews Cross, she would surely have dropped to her knees in sweet agony. As the top prepares to throw the whip again, a voice from the crowd shouts, "Hit her harder!"

I have personally witnessed each of these situations occur at large, public play parties. In the case of the single-tail commentator, the top's response was to wheel and crack the whip an inch from the heckler's face. I'd prefer to think a better way to deal with these situations is to prevent them from occurring in the first place.

A scene at a public play party is a very delicate, carefully-balanced thing. The top has worked hard to create an environment in which he and his partner can enjoy the scene. The bottom works even harder, to block out the surrounding distractions and prepare herself for a brief dive into subspace. Yet this careful dance of emotions can be upset, by something as simple as a thoughtless or loud comment from the people gathered to watch the scene. In this brief article, I'd like to propose some simple rules of etiquette, which are encouraged by many prominent members in the national scene.

Mon Cherie, owner of Atlanta's The Sanctuary and the American Leather Woman '95-96 titleholder, has posted her "Ten Commandments of Fetish." First among them is, "Never disturb a scene." This is such a simple guideline ... so why do people keep ignoring it? Several reasons seem to offer themselves. First, most of us are used to our scenes being intimate. When we are at a play party, we often find ourselves watching, and are therefore "part" of, several scenes during the evening. We feel drawn into each scene because, well, it's something intimate and we're watching it, so it involves us, right? (Obviously, the answer is NO.) Second, often there seems to be a feeling among onlookers that "they're in their own little world, they can't hear us," so someone carries on a conversation within clear earshot of the scene, distracting the participants. And third, let's face it: sometimes people are just clueless jerks who always have to be the center of attention.

Rob Jellinghaus, in his wonderful Frequently Asked Questions file, writes about play party etiquette:

The people who really interfere with the energy of a party are the people who seemingly assume that just because the scene is taking place in a semi-public context means that comments from the audience are okay fine. They're NOT. The top in the scene is concentrating on the bottom's pleasure, and the bottom is almost certainly in a very private mental space. Neither the top nor the bottom will appreciate being yanked back to reality by a loud suggestion or greeting. ... Interfering with a scene in progress is inexcusably rude ...

So what, aside from the obvious suggestion "do not disturb," should one do to respect other's scenes? A good audience *can* add a lot to a scene, after all; as Rob mentions, "An audience which values the gift of being allowed to watch, and which contributes its goodwill towards the play, can be a delight ..."

The party rules of The Group With No Name, in Austin, Texas, sum it up: "Don't feel shy about watching other people playing, but do it from a distance. Don't crowd them (10-15 feet away is recommended), and don't make a lot of noise. Just don't intrude on their scene."

Other suggestions which have been offered by experienced players:

• Keep idle chatter to a minimum.
• No smoking, glasses, food, or alcohol in the play area.
• Keep a polite and SAFE distance from the players in the scene. A bondage or piercing scene would demand a respectful eight or ten feet of clear space between the onlookers and the players; a scene involving an eight-foot bullwhip would require somewhat more clearance. Use your good judgment, and if the Top asks you to move ... MOVE! Also, give the players plenty of time and space to share closeness and "aftercare" once the scene is over.

Finally, there are ways to make yourself a treasured guest whom people will want to see again. These guidelines are good rules of behavior at the party generally:

• Masters and Mistresses should respect all collared slaves or submissives as their "Owner's" property. If unsure whether you may converse with a bottom, ASK their Top for permission. Don't accidentally intrude upon a scene in which the bottom has been ordered to stand or kneel quietly, awaiting his Mistress' command. And if a Top desires to play with, or even touch, a bottom that is not their own, then it is the Top's responsibility to ask the bottom's Owner (or if none, the bottom herself) for permission to do so. Whatever answer is received should be gracefully accepted as final. "Submissive" does not necessarily mean "submissive to YOU"; respect and courtesy are the keywords for everyone involved.
• Do not touch other people's toys, floggers, etc. without permission, and do not use it (even on yourself) without further permission. (The owner might have prepared the toy specially for a scene, and your using it could ruin those preparations.)
• No intimidating language or behavior.
• Keep all information you have on other partygoers -- name, occupation, mutual friends, idle chat, or other social encounters -- private. You can embarrass both yourself and them ... not everyone wants others to know they're involved in this lifestyle. Remember where you are, and where *they* are, and keep their confidences to yourself. Similarly, whatever happens at the party should stay at the party; don't bring up events from the party at another time.