Sorry Manners: Civility and Incivility in the Scene

by Chris M (Black Rose) and Lady Medora (NOPE)

Part II

Why Do We Do It?

In fairness, we don't want to suggest that leatherfolk are inherently rude people. The scene, as wonderful as it can be, contains many subtle and seldom discussed "stress factors" that contribute to uncivil behavior. Like water over a stone, these stress factors wear on the nerves year after year, thus setting the stage for impatience, irritation, depression, and the empathy deficit we have already discussed. These are the rudeness-producing rudeness that prompts retaliatory rudeness in return.

• The scene is a small world, and quarters are close, closer than we might like sometimes. Because BDSM is an interest that selects at random, we often find ourselves spending a lot of time with people we might not otherwise choose as friends.
• The scene is an intensely intimate place, we express our inner fantasies and fears, sometimes share partners, see each other nude, watch each other come... Is it any wonder people are sensitive about how we are treated by others?
• Because these practices are incredibly diverse, we find themselves in the occasional presence of activities that make us uncomfortable. The scene is a strange place and it takes a while to adjust. And some things you may never get used to.
• The pressures of closeting: The pressure of maintaining a secret life, of hiding your leather life from friends, colleagues, and family adds a constant overlay of tension to daily life. Scene folk have to manage the presence of fetish contraband including toys, clothes, literature and erotica whose discovery might be catastrophic. The risk, real or perceived, can encompass loss of employment, of friends, of family, even custody of one's kids.
• Jealousy, loneliness, and competition for partners are facts of life. People without play partners may become unhappy or angry. People seen as getting more than their share can trigger insecurity and resentment. Even people with partners may see threats around every corner.
• The scene, like any fringe group, attracts its share of eccentrics and outcasts, some fascinating and agreeable, others less so.
• Newcomer naïveté: New people unacquainted to the scene's protocols occasionally touch, grab or conduct themselves in an inappropriate manner. Although individuals typically learn to deport themselves over time, the constant influx of newcomers means newcomer naiveté is a constant, grating issue.
• The realities of the party circuit: It is a hard fact of scene life is that most parties are private and their invite lists finite. For every guest invited there are twenty left outside. The guest list is dictated by what the hosts can afford, their circle of friendships, the size of their home and many other factors. But it still stings to hear about a party without getting an invite. And it happens all the time.
• EMAIL (the medium of choice for many SM participants): Without a friendly face or modulations of human speech, text encounters can be easily misstated/misunderstood. Couple that with the sometimes blunt writing style of emailers everywhere, the added gravity of the written word and the ease of escalating a private remark into public rebuke with a misplaced keystroke, and you've got the makings for an on-line food fight.
• Guy Baldwin, keynote speaker at Leather Leadership III, and a prominent Leatherman psychiatrist, found that an unusually high percentage of his SM-practicing patients suffered abuse as children. Others - because of their SM interests - have grown up feeling alienated, alone and have led difficult lives. The upshot is that there is a lot of anger and insecurity out there that can manifest as uncivil behavior.

Thoughts on Fixing It

One of the more sobering aspects of the list above, is that there really are no easy solutions to any of these problems. The scene is small, people are sensitive, invite lists are short, and we really do have some truly eccentric people who will continue to behave eccentrically.

But there is room for hope. We do a good job of establishing and enforcing play standards to make SM safe and hot. We are improving all the time as educators of play practices. But interpersonal conduct outside of the SM encounter itself, has not been made a priority and its probably time it should be. We must recognize civility (defined in part by the examples in this report) as a threat to the health of our community, and commit ourselves as individuals, to improving our own behavior first.

We must extend civility, decency, care and concern beyond our personal circle to members of the community at large. This doesn't mean we have to be everyone's bosom bud, but that concern for others is a priority instead of the non-issue it is for many at present. We are not talking about sainthood or communism here. The goal is not to stand around a campfire in a ring, holding hands singing Kumbaya. But if we all improve our behavior, and extend our compassion by ten percent, we will be living in a completely transformed universe.

Secondly, through mentoring and our education programs we must elevate civility as a requirement for our leaders and citizens. While scene etiquette (a subset of civility), is an SM staple, it deals mainly with deportment, protocols and standards of interaction, and doesn't address the deeper issues of cultivating compassion, tolerance and awareness, towards our SM brethren. These are tougher ethics-driven issues often without simple answers.

And, though vocal, it is a minority of scene-folk who do the worst of this callous behavior. Most want a scene that is friendly and supportive. Many and are willing to work to make it so (hopefully you too if you've read this far). And though the gossips, scolds and assholes among us often succeed in hurting their intended targets (and incidentally, our community), their greatest causalities are ultimately their own reputations.

Remember that we are all brothers and sisters in a community no matter how diverse. If we behave like we care about and support one other, we will all find ourselves, by definition, in an environment that is more caring and supportive.

Improved civility should presented as causal to the following desirable conditions:

• Stability of friendships
• Respect of peers
• Trust of potential play partners (civility means stability)
• Strengthens ones personal network of contacts,
• Supports the position that SM is practiced by sane, well adjusted people.
• Elevates fairness and justice/ (which are eternal) as the coin of the realm as opposed to popularity, and bureaucratic clout (which are fleeting and can vanish at any moment)
• Strengthens the community and makes it healthier
• Raises the comfort quotient for newcomers

A Proposed Approach:
Extend SSC to Interpersonal Relationships

Strive as individuals and organizations to extend "safe, sane, and consensual" into the arena of interpersonal conduct. So lets turn the laser beam of SSC onto our civility concerns and see what it tells us:

Uncivil behavior is non-consensual: Unless assured otherwise, good manners and general kindness should be the coin of the realm. To do less is to engage someone without their consent. Doms should restrict their dominance to those who have consented to it. Submissives who pester others with unsolicited subservience are likewise in violation. And non-consensual dominance in the name of "mentoring" doesn't wash either. Gossips and scolds should likewise consider their behavior in terms of consent. Subjecting someone to a tongue lashing or a gossip campaign is really no better than drawing out a flogger and hammering away at them without warning.

Uncivil behavior is not safe: Cruel, thoughtless behavior can damage hurt people, deeply, for as long time, and that cannot be called safe. In the same way that humiliation can be more damaging than physical pain, the emotional harm inflicted from incivility may far exceed what you intend. Unsolicited advice can come across as cutting, and judgmental. Incivility also sets a diminished community standard for others to follow, making incivility more acceptable and social environment suffers often scaring mature decent people away, and can in time bring a group to its knees. Small acts of rudeness, or disregard, even if only perceived as such can balloon up into clique wars.

And if the well being of your intended victim means nothing to you, consider this: If you make trouble for people, chances are it will come back to haunt you later on. People have a way of reciprocating behavior. Be nice and people will be nice back. Be a jackass and that's how others will see AND speak of you.

This is a small world and if you screw someone, you are handing them a motive to get you back later. Even if you are queen of the in-clique at present, no one controls the future, and over time the leather gods have a way of evening things out. The community is close, memory is long, and paybacks are a bitch. For this reason alone, uncivil behavior is unsafe. To you. Uncivil behavior is not even all that sane: For years many of us felt we were solitary freaks before finding this community. To reinforce feelings of rejection in our brothers and sisters by deliberately withholding human decency, or subjecting them to deliberate hardship is just not defensible. People who find themselves helpless to resist clashing with or inflicting imperious behavior on their scene fellows, would do well to begin some serious soul searching and perhaps seeking out the help they need.

A lot of uncivil behavior is retaliatory. Someone does something that hurts or offends you prompting an aggressive response. Unfortunately this may be exactly how it looks to the person you just dissed. If you find that your actions and behavior are building up to a feud, it is a great idea to apologize for your part in the situation and disengage from the conflict.

Furthermore the long term gains from uncivil behavior are so meager, and the costs so high that it really does not pay for people who hope to stay in the community for some time. Even if they win a short term victory.

Aphorisms

• Taking care of your community. Take care of its members.
• Agree to disagree.
• You don't have to dis, just because you dislike.
• Civility demonstrates stability
• Piss off a bigot; be nice to a leather person
• Imperious does not mean imperial
• SSC is always in effect, whether or not a scene is in progress.
• Resist the urge to reward slanderous gossip, with your attention and involvement. It's not consensual, and not safe (for it leaves you open to accusations of being a scold, and gossip). Even its sanity is questionable.
• Tithe: (give ten percent more in kindness, appreciation, gratitude, forgiveness)
• Never assume Safety.
• Never assume Consent.
• SM does not stand for super man. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Be willing to concede point if you have been uncivil. Being willing to fess up and apologize makes you stronger, not weaker.
• Always try to be the voice of sanity and reason.
• Incivility is uncivil, whatever the excuse.
• Try to maintain perspective.
• Maintain a healthy sense of humor.
• True wealth is the ability to give kindness.
• Never forget your pleasure.

If you'd like to contact the authors, they can be reached at:
Chris M, Black Rose, send email to ChrisM@br.org
Lady Medora, Goddess in Chief, NOPE, (send messages care of Chris M).