Humiliation Play

For a playlist of possible activities click here

Introductory remarks by Madame Bette and subjane.

Discussion of Humiliation Play.

Humiliation play can be very exciting and stimulating. However, it can also be a minefield.

Know thy sub: You need to be aware of your partner's current emotional state, as well as past emotional history. What kind of baggage are they carrying around which may have the potential to trigger anything from an 'upset' to very painful emotions? And there's always the possibility of forgotten memories. Everybody, no matter how stable, has something buried in their psyche. You need a thorough knowledge of your partner, as well as open and honest communication.

Then, listen to your partner. What's going on today? Is he/she overwhelmed by 'real life'? If he has just been called on the carpet at work, for example, whether it was his fault or not, that may not be the best time for some previously favorite types of play.

Are your kids sick? Did they keep your sub up all night? Is she premenstrual? A good Dom/Domme always takes these things into consideration.

Remember the number one rule of BDSM play: Never 'damage the property', always take care of your sub.
As Dominants, we, of course, want our submissives to be happy and healthy. We have been entrusted with the gift of submission, and we must never abuse the responsibilities that come with that gift.

So, while humiliation and other types of play can be therapeutic, that is, a release from the stresses of life for a little while, we need to use care and caution.

Always keep in mind
Humiliation should never be used to make the sub feel 'bad'. The submissive should never be made to feel you genuinely mean that he/she is worthless or undesirable.

Submissives: This is abuse! You do not have to stand for it! Discuss it with your Dom if you feel this way about your play, and if he/she doesn't change their approach, you should seriously consider leaving that relationship. SEE BDSM vs. abuse.

Humiliation should never be used in situations that may involve, or be exposed, to the vanilla public. Also, never in situations that may affect the submissive's personal life, that is, around family, friends, or co-workers, boss, etc.

We adapt the play to fit our partners. Whether it's 'casual' play, or play with a person you are in a well defined, ongoing and agreed upon, D/s relationship with, the same principals apply in all situations.

Different things stimulate different people, and using the 'wrong' humiliation techniques can seriously backfire, causing psychological harm, in the worst case scenario. At best, they just 'ruin' otherwise good play, because if it's not enjoyable... it fails miserably. Remember, this is supposed to be role-play, and it's supposed to be ultimately fun!

A consideration of any fantasies and fetishes of either party enhances the play. We need to listen to the submissive's fantasies with an open mind. Listening does not mean we are agreeing, it's just collecting information for possible later use!

So, for these reasons, I think it's a good idea to use a checklist for humiliation play. It's a good starting point for communication, and by looking at specific items, some things, - which either of you may have taken for granted, - can be discussed. Sometimes, discussing an item may even bring out a previously forgotten event in a person's 'history'.

Thoughts from my experience:
When I 'top' in casual play, I have used humiliation, but only after CAREFULLY discussing it with the bottom.

I also have a subbie, with whom I use humiliation, to help him appreciate and more fully accept the submission he has given me. It reinforces desirable traits, while correcting unacceptable ones, like being slow to anticipate my needs, or being presumptive. (This creates an interesting dilemma for the sub, BTW.) We both enjoy this, and for us, it's very erotic. If either of us didn't enjoy it, it would not be part of our activities. But he finds it sensually stimulating and thrives on it, and I'm more than happy to oblige him. (It is never used to 'break' him down, nor is it a "punishment" in the strict sense of the word.)

An example of selecting the play to fit the submissive: one of my submissive friends delights in being made to wear women's panties and nail polish, but he's the only one. Others that I play with, including my sub, would not 'get' anything out of this type of play. And then neither would I. Of course, as the Domme, the play would be what I want it to be, but I choose to use the type of play that is satisfying to us both, so for him, and others, I 'tailor' the play!

There's a danger to Dom's, too! I have one fairly new, submissive friend who wants to be treated horribly, (in my opinion, - that is, worse than I think is healthy for him ) to be called the worse names, told he is worthless, have disparaging remarks about his 'equipment' and hear threats of serious harm to his genitals. I tread lightly here when I play with him. I don't know him well enough, but I have a pretty good idea, based on our talks, of where he's coming from (that is, his personal history), and I'm dismayed, and frightened for him, because if he hasn't resolved certain issues, this type of play can cause him even though he's asking for it. So here, there is also a 'risk' that creates a 'limit' for me the Domme, since I'm not comfortable going as far as he wants! SEE GLOSSARY for 'limits'.

Don't misunderstand me. I do very similar, and in fact, more intense play with my sub, but I know him very well and know that he is stable enough that this type of play won't cause him any problems.

~ M. Bette

subjane comments ~

Humiliation Play requires a great deal of trust, communication and knowledge of the persons involved, and genuine concern for their mental health and welfare. Once, my Dom and i played with another couple. They were BOTH submissive and married to each other, so when they wanted to 'play' they had to have another person! The male told us "almost anything is okay, just don't slap my face!" He knew that past personal trauma would resurface if this was done, and he would suffer reliving a bad emotional upset. Wise man!

So, i cannot stress this enough: know your partner, and do not go into those areas which can harm that particular person. No one else ever knows completely another person's boogeyman or emotional traps, but with good communication, you can decrease the chances for harm.

What happens if the 'sub' is not being completely 'honest' with you? You both take a risk! She/he may suffer trauma, and blame you! Even if she/he doesn't blame you, wouldn't you feel bad if you knew your actions caused her/him real emotional distress? Then you both feel 'bad'. (At least, i HOPE you would!)

i get a lot of pleasure from our play and being submissive to my Dom, with Whom i've been as honest as possible. He's a very special person, not just because He's my Dom, but because of His personal integrity, strength of character. He knows i'm a 'wild child'. My Mom used to say, “I'm afraid for you, Janie. You tend to jump in the pool and check for water after!”.

When i first became active in the Lifestyle, years ago, my Dom would not use humiliation, except in the lightest sense. Especially after I foolishly told Him i had almost 'no limits'!

i was disappointed, but had to admit He was right. i was carrying too much emotional  'baggage'. Since then, i had some very good therapy, and worked through those most of those problems, and recently, we have begun to enjoy the use of humiliation in our play. He still treats me carefully, builds me up after it's over and gives me lots of aftercare, - but now, He knows i can handle it! ~ subjane

Have Fun! Play Safe!

Humiliation Play

Humiliation Play, as discussed here, is Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Humiliation has negative connotations, not only among vanillas, but also among some people in the lifestyle. So, let's begin by clearing up what it isn't, and then go on to what it is.

Humiliation is not about denigrating someone to the point where their self - respect is injured. Without the SSC aspect, it becomes degradation. This is not humiliation play. If humiliation is used to make the submissive feel bad, it is abuse.

Also, some confuse humiliation, which, as it's used here is a positive feeling, with embarrassment, a negative feeling. A submissive may say she is never 'humiliated', meaning she is never embarrassed by anything her Dom wants. But she still may be humbled.

Is humiliation inherent in all D/s relationships?

You can have a Top/bottom relationship without humiliation.

But in a D/s relationship, one person is dominant, while one is submissive. The Dom is in a higher position because he has power, or control over the sub. Humiliation play, that is, putting someone in their place, being humbled, in an SSC manner, is a tool used to make her do things that she would not do for anyone else, to teach and show her submission. It is the most important tool that a dominant has since submission is the most important part of a D/s relationship. The submissive knows she is not 'less' than he is. She does it because it's a 'turn on' for both of them. If the sub likes it, it's good play, but it's still humiliation.

The D/s couple works together to build, maintain and expand upon submission by using acts and attitudes that humble the sub. Anything from what's expected of the sub in terms of demeanor, like a lowered gaze, or maintaining a certain position, be it kneeling or whatever, to elaborately enacted scenes, are used to achieve this goal.

Humiliation can take many forms: name calling, OTK spanking, certain rituals, etc. See Humiliation Play List

When it's good...

The Dom always makes sure that the sub always knows who she is, and what she really means to him. If he didn't, if he made her feel bad, then she'd be in an abusive situation.

There is a highly-charged erotic component to the feeling of submission. Part of the erotic thrill for the submissive, is knowing she can trust him, that no matter how far they go: He will not truly make her feel bad about her 'self', and he will always bring her 'back' after the play ends. Many subs have said that humiliation, and the submission that goes with it, will put her more into subspace than anything else. That the feeling of being owned, being truly his and under his control is indescribable. To them, it's very erotic.

Like many aspects of BDSM, some things about humiliation play may seem contradictory.

Abuse vs stretching limits
Often, the best play begins as something the sub did not ask for, but will accept. The sub may not like, or may have trouble dealing with, what her Dom wants or says. Yet that is the essence of submission: doing what the Dom wants.

Being forced to do something she truly does not want to do, because she can't go there emotionally, would be abuse. However, and this is a fine line requiring communication and trust, careful exploration, trail and error, because he does know her so well, she trusts him when he attempts to push her limits in play. If she's really getting to a bad place, she knows she can always ask him to stop. Ideally, he knows where he can push and where he can't. She feels safe with him. He knows what she needs and she tries to give him what he needs. And in a perfect world, this works out well for them.

It's humiliation play, but it doesn't feel...
To a sub in a D/s relationship, sitting on the floor at her Dom's feet, or asking his permission to use the bathroom, although it may seem humiliating to others, doesn't particularly feel that way to her. It does make her feel submissive, but it's no longer 'humiliating', perhaps because it's become a matter of course. She's used to it because she does it so often. It's still humiliation play.

However, there are things that he may do to her less often, that feel more humiliating and, because they are done with less frequency, she feels the humiliation intensely. Wearing a collar and being lead around in private, is one thing, but to have it done in front of others at a play party may feel different, for example. An over-the-knee (OTK) spanking could be very humiliating, unless it became an everyday thing, and then it loses some of it's impact.

Deniability
Name-calling is very often used in humiliation play, and very much enjoyed by many submissives. However, some care must be taken here that it falls into the category of deniability. A sub may not mind if she's called a slut or a whore, but call her a bitch, and that particular sub may freak if she has a negative history with that particular word.

This is why you must know your sub and try to avoid tripping her triggers. What is good for one person may cause serious problems to another. Certain adjectives, like 'fat', for example, can easily pull someone back into reality faster than a splash of ice water. She may feel really and truly insulted, and if it were meant intentionally, it would be abuse.

Your partner can accept being called these names because she knows that's not her. She knows she really isn't a whore or a bitch, etc. She may be your slut, but she's okay with that.

But if you call her fat, and she has an issue with her weight, and thinks you meant it... even if you didn't, - because it's a concern of hers, - she can't dismiss it from her mind. There is no capacity for deniability. She starts to think you really think she's fat! And that's all she can think about! You've pushed one of her buttons, and the play just took a nosedive.

When it goes bad...

SSC means that the dominant has an obligation to protect the submissive from harm. By using good communication and negotiation, he learns as much as he can about the sub. However, there is always the possibility of hidden or forgotten problems that may come up later.

Your first concern is the care of your partner. Stop the scene immediately.

In a tender and non-judgemental way, care for her. Try to find out what went wrong. Ask her when did it start to feel bad or wrong. Why? What did it feel like? Do not place any blame or guilt. If you can find out exactly what happened, you may be able to avoid future recurrence, either by avoiding that particular thing, or taking your play in another direction.

Thoughts For Dominants

Humiliation scenes require a lot of forethought, and can carry a high degree of risk.

Dominants are usually able to translate a sub's fantasies into safe realities, but sometimes you just may have to say no. As the Dom, you must use sound judgment. It's up to you to decide what can and what cannot be done.

Aftercare is very important. Hold her, talk to her, and cuddle her. Your sub needs to know that you respect her as a person, and as your partner. With this type of play, you have taken her down. Don't ever leave her there! You must build her back up now, taller than before. Tell her that you know who she really is, and how much you understand and appreciate the submission she has given to you.

For yourself, appreciate that she is willing to do these things for you and is willing to make the effort to do what you want. Then, enjoy the effect it has on her, and the satisfaction of giving her something that she desires.

Knowing your partner isn't easy. It takes a lot of communication and a careful review of possible play activities. Also just as important, is listening to things she says casually.

Knowing when to push and when not to push, isn't easy either. Just go slowly, using all the knowledge you gained of her and her past.

Don't commit to anything until you're sure. You can always change the play.

Be a good read. Study her very carefully during the play to ascertain what she's feeling.

Important thoughts about public play:

Of course, we know it's not SSC to involve the 'vanillas'.

You must always protect your submissive. Do not do anything that may get either of you arrested. I'm referring to playing out fantasies of sex in public, being 'put out' as a hooker, or a play kidnapping, etc. Don't forget, you and she know everything's okay, but an innocent bystander might think she needs rescuing! They might physically intervene themselves, or call the authorities.

Also, remember not to do anything that will harm the sub's 'real' life. Your play should not cause her any real embarrassment that may involve or be seen by family, vanilla friends, boss, co-workers, etc.