SOME THOUGHTS ON THE ESSENCE OF SM

© 1995 by Stuart Norman

The essence of SM does not lie in its most visible aspects. It is not wearing leather, nor bondage, pain, role playing or dominance and submission, however, those are all aspects of the SM experience. SM can be defined as a power/erotic or art that involves often intense physical and mental stimulation, but perhaps it is better defined as a state of mind rather than by specific practices. There must be purposes, reasons and goals, plus commitment to the experience. We often consider it a forum for sharing ritual bonding, trust and respect-building, intense intimacy or therapy and catharsis. Recently, the philosophy of Safe, Sane, Consensual has been stressed, an outgrowth of the voluntary and mutual nature of the exchange, and that the bottom, or submissive, in reality has as much decision-making power as the top/dominant. It has been considered that the bottom controlled the scene by at least having the final word to stop any specific practice or the entire scene. It has also been understood in the subculture that the top could use some practices for his own pleasure, which the bottom might not like, but was also expected to please the bottom with some of the submissive's preferred practices.

Recently, my thoughts have turned to a reevaluation of this last concept. Even if the bottom had the final word, it was expected that he/she would be willing to have his/her limits expanded, that the top would have control within those limits. It defines the basic structure of the encounter, i.e., one is dominant and in control, and the other is submissive, therefore giving up control over his/her mind/body. For expectations to be fulfilled one has to give up some expectations concerning treatment for there to be a semblance of the dominant/submissive relationship. It is a matter of degree. There is a very thin line between the fantasy/expectations of the scene and its reality.

If one is helplessly but willingly bound, he/she must trust that the top will not exceed the agreed-upon limits. But who is really in control? There is always the possibility that the top will do as he/she pleases, disregarding the bottom's wishes. In some cases the bottom may really want this and is afraid to communicate it to the top. Or perhaps it is a matter of curiosity, i.e., "What would happen if..?" A cognitive dissonance between the "No, please stop" and Yes, go on!" That is an essential tension inherent in SM. The top may have similar thoughts as to the consequences of such an act. The bottom may never want to play with the top again or it might bring them closer. It could create fear and excitement for both.

In a dominant/submissive relationship wherein both partners know, trust and care for each other the submissive may so want to please the top that he/she derives pleasure by however means that might be achieved. The situation is still consensual, and a caring top will be safe and sane, although intense and in full control. I believe this captures the essential nature of SM.

It appears that the essence of SM is this pushing of limits and the interplay of dominance and submission as a question of "How far will it go?" There is the exquisite psychological dilemma for the bottom of "How much more can I take?", yet with the curiosity or his/her helplessness creating a mindset to endure more stimulation. Perhaps it is the case of "What is it like to break?", the agony and the ecstasy of not knowing when or if the top will regard limits. For the top that fear is "Will I go too far?" and the curiosity of "If I do, what will happen?" It is that tension of a simultaneous "Yes, go on." and a "No, please stop." However, a good top can encourage a bottom to go beyond his/her limits, and there is always present the desire for spontaneity in a scene creating excitement that carries the both of them to new heights of experience.

As long as there is no intent to harm, and that the scene is not done in anger or without caring, perhaps an essential essence of SM is that playing the thin line between consent/non-consent to intensify experience.