SM Orientation: Important?
By Master Ron K.
When we think of the word orientation the first thing that
comes to mind is our sexual orientation. More bluntly put,
do we like the same sex, the opposite sex, or both. Regardless
of how often I hear my brothers and sisters talking about their
sexual orientations, seldom do I hear people in the leather
community talking about their SM orientation. Of course, we
tell each other whether our orientation is "Top" or "bottom"
by how we flag using the hanky code. But I don't hear us
talking much about how the orientations of SM work together
or how important it is that they match.
When I was asked to write this article, the first thought
that passed through my mind was, "Is what I have to say
important enough to be printed?" After thinking about it
a bit, I decided that it was, if only because it gives our
community access to another view of our very special style
of loving. The more our varying views are shared, the better
we will understand and relate to the differences among our
brothers and sisters. By learning to understand and relate
to these varying views of SM, we grow closer, and, as a
result, our community grows stronger.
In this writing I do not intend to address the issues of sexual
orientation beyond the following. To me, SM is a wondrous playground
of the mental and physical. I seldom think of sexual intercourse
during SM play, as I am having a sensual and sexual experience on
a totally different emotional and physical plane. Because I
believe that my SM experience is on a totally different plane,
I seldom consider the sexual orientation of my partners to be
an issue. I get the same basic pleasure playing with persons of
all sexual orientations if their SM orientation is compatible
with mine and we have solid open lines of communication. From
my experience, only about five percent of SM play is explicitly
tied to the sexual orientation of my partners, and this is basically
limited to play with the genitals. With the wide area that is left,
I find that I do not lack for ways to tease and entice my partners
and have yet to be dissatisfied with the result, for myself or my
partners. I ask those of you who limit your play because of your
sexual orientation to reconsider the basis for your limits. There
are so many wonderful brothers and sisters you can become friends
with, learn from, and enjoy marvelous SM with without entering
into sexual orientation play. I believe that if you open yourself
to the possibilities, you will be enriched by the special men and
women you come to know and care about.
Tops
To begin, I am going split the generic group "Tops" into a slightly
more refined set of sub-groups. I believe that "Tops" come in three
basic types, "Dominants", "Sadists", and "Dominant Sadists." Each of
these types have their own special mixture of skills and abilities.
In my opinion, both "Dominants" and "Sadists" borrow elements from
the other's bag of tricks on a frequent basis, but in the borrowing,
the word "borrow" being the key, there is an admission that they are
assuming a role that is not natural to themselves.
-
Type A
- Dominants, those people who enjoy their abilities to
use and control the power of their submissives. That
is their special gift and what they consider to be most
erotic. A "Dominant" can learn to do sadistic things,
but they never really get the rush from being sadistic
on an emotional and psychological level that the "Sadist"
does. The "Dominant" gets a rush from being Dominant and
using their control over the person who is submitting to
their desires.
-
Type B
- Sadists, those persons who quite frankly get a
sexual charge out of causing pain in the masochist
who has consented to be tortured. While a Sadist may
use some of the same skills that the Dominant does,
their erotic feelings come from the pain they inflict
and the response they get from the masochist who is
receiving pleasure from that pain.
-
Type C
- Dominant Sadists, on occasion you will meet a
person who is both Dominant and Sadistic. The
"Dominant Sadist" is a rare bird, not
better or worse than the "Dominant" or the
"Sadist", Just gifted with different skills
and needs. In the "Dominant Sadist" you
will find a seamless mixture of Dominance and Sadism.
The "Dominant Sadist" uses their combined
abilities to instinctively create situations that
involve their bottoms in acts of submission, masochism,
or both from a wondrous variety of directions. One
time they might use their dominant style to set up
a very sadistic situation, the next they might use
their sadistic style to set up a very submissive
response in their bottom. The point being that
they bring all of their naturally "Dominant"
and "Sadistic" skills to the encounter,
there are no gaps between their physical, psychological,
or emotional involvement in what is happening with
their bottom.
Bottoms
Just as with Tops, I believe that we can separate bottoms into
three basic sub-groups, these sub-groups being "submissives",
"masochists", and "submissive masochists." Each of
these types have their skills and abilities just like Tops. They will
also borrow skills from one another to satisfy the Tops involved, but
their real pleasure comes when they match up with Tops of their own type.
Because bottoms so often want to be pleasing as a natural part of their
personality, regardless of type, it is far easier for a bottom to get
themselves into a situation where they cannot be truly satisfied. It
is also one of the dangers for Tops when interviewing bottoms. Bottoms
can be misleading in their answers without intending to be deceptive.
-
Type A
- Submissives, those people who enjoy giving themselves
to Dominants for the Dominant's satisfaction and pleasure.
Submitting to the Dominant's will and desire is what trips
their trigger and brings them pleasure. While they may not
enjoy painful experiences, they can enjoy submitting to the
experience if that is what the Dominant wants from them.
However, if their submission becomes primarily pain oriented,
they experience a loss of satisfaction. It then feels like
abuse.
-
Type B
- Masochists, those people who simply get a rush out of
being subjected to pain-filled experiences. While the
masochist will behave submissively to get into a masochistic
experience, their rush comes from the pain-filled experience
and not their act of submission. If they don't get their need
to experience pain met often enough, they lose their desire
to submit to dominance alone.
-
Type C
- Submissive Masochists, those truly versatile people who
not only get a rush from being submissive, they also get
a rush from being the subject of pain-filled experience.
The submissive masochist is also a truly rare individual.
They bring to the table a full complement of abilities to
process sensations from the full spectrum of SM play, and
they do so in the same seamless fashion that is reciprocal
to the style of the Dominant Sadist. The submissive
masochist needs experiences that mix both being dominated
and some form of painful sensation to be satisfied. One
or the other will suffice for a short time, but to really
enjoy their experience a mixture of both is required.
Why is SM Orientation Important?
I believe that recognizing, understanding, and being in tune with
our own SM orientation is essential to having the tools that we need
to build long-lasting and satisfying relationships with our lovers.
It makes little sense for a Dominant to take a masochist as a lover,
or for a Sadist to take a submissive as a lover, because sooner or
later one or the other partner is going to recognize that their
needs are not being met. When this realization finally occurs, the
party that is dissatisfied will go outside of the relationship to
meet those needs. How they go outside the relationship will vary
from the sly cheat to terminating the relationship altogether.
Regardless of how these reaches outside the relationship occur,
they can and do cause distress to both partners.
Yes a Dominant or a Sadist can emulate the style of the other
for a short time, but sooner or later they are going to revert
to their natural style. That is when the bottom will become
dissatisfied. Needless to say, the need to return to their
normal style is a sign of the Top's dissatisfaction. In the
case of the Type C Top or bottom, they can play in either
style, but sooner or later the half of their needs that is
not being met will become a sore spot that needs to be
scratched. Human nature being what it is, once a need arises
we will all find ways to meet those needs.
Almost all of us want to be loved and respected for who and
what we are. There are times when it seems that we will never
find exactly what we are looking for. This can cause us to
become susceptible to the false promise of happiness offered
by settling for what we can get. It is my belief that settling
can be one of the most dangerous things that we can do as
Tops or bottoms. When we settle, we set into motion a series
of falsehoods. We lie to ourselves and to our partners about
our needs and desires. Dominants will fake interests in Sadism,
Sadists will emulate Dominant characteristics, submissives
will accept pain from a Sadist even though they do not really
enjoy it, and masochists will accept the Dominant's attentions
and control without the pain they crave in their heart. Not
to forget, Dominant Sadists will ignore half of themselves
to take a submissive or masochist, and the submissive masochist
will take whatever a Dominant or Sadist will offer. Any or all
of the combinations you can imagine can and will occur and not
one of them will be lasting.
In settling there is also the danger that what was
originally "Safe, Sane, and Consensual" will
be transformed into that which is "Unsafe, Insane,
or Non-Consensual." Sooner or later in any one of
the previously doomed combinations, as frustration and
anger build the possibility for the power in the relationship
becoming infected grows. Once infected, the SM part of the
relationship will be transformed from what was once a beautiful
experience into an abusive one. In turn, this will be the cause
of more damage to the individuals involved than having not
settled in the first place.
How to Avoid the Pitfalls
For me the first and most important step is to develop
a firm understanding of my own SM orientation. If you are
a novice, ask for help learning about the various activities
and styles of play. Do research, read about SM, and develop
friends who will help you learn and support you in your new
experiences. I have yet to find myself faced with blunt refusal
to answer a question by anyone I have met. Just ask and you'll
be pleasantly surprised. BUT MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, do not hide
your inexperience. If you do, you will get yourself and the
persons you are involved with into situations that everyone
would rather avoid. Once you have learned what you like, look
for someone who enjoys those activities from the other side.
If you are an experienced SM-er, sit back and think about
your likes and dislikes. Review your past experiences. If
they were all satisfying, then you have been doing a good
job of managing your expectations and needs. If they have
not all been satisfying, then perhaps you should review
them with the view I have presented in mind. If you do,
I suspect that your success rate will be increased and you
will find your needs being met a far higher percentage of
the time.
Once you have done your homework and learned about yourself
and your SM orientation, I believe that you will be able to
go out and meet people whom you can not only have as playmates,
but with whom you can develop long-lasting friendships. Of
course, we will all continue to play with people who are not
exact matches to our needs and desires, mostly because there
is no such thing as a perfect match. But by thinking about
our needs in the light of our SM orientation, we will increase
our satisfaction and the possibility of finding that special
someone who will make a good long-term or lifetime lover.
Master Ron K. lives in Bakersfield, California, where he owns
and operates Black and Blue Leatherworks. He also makes and
teaches the use of single-tailed whips.
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