The following appeared on our mail list in June 2001. The author has graciously granted permission to share the content on our website so that more readers can derive
benefits from it. Many thanks to Sinsational for allowing us to use this! As you will see, the difference is very black and white.
Lately I have been concerned that novices involving themselves in this lifestyle might find themselves in situations where they are experiencing abuse
of the worst kind because it is excused as being BDSM or D/s.
This is not to judge anyone or their relationship, it is strictly my opinion on what the difference is between BDSM D/s and abuse. The difference between a Dominant
and an abusive controlling jerk ( a**hole is actually a much more appropriate term due to the fact that both the abusive controlling jerk and one's a**hole are at
almost all times full of shit ) according to Sin:
|
An abusive controlling jerk...
|
A Dominant...
|
|
Is very jealous
|
Has control of his/her sense of self and his/her self confidence, he/she is not jealous because he/she is self assured and does not rely upon another human being
for his/her sense of worth, self or confidence. Jealousy does not equal or show love. Jealousy contains the word "lousy" because it is a lousy way to show
the world just how emotionally immature and insecure one is. Not something any Dominant person would want to claim or show themselves to be.
|
|
Will sulk silently and withdraw emotionally when upset
|
Does not sulk silently but takes control of his/her emotions and deals with them openly and honestly because he/she is self confident and knows that emotions are
to be dealt with and that having emotions or difficulties in life is not a condemning judgment on his/her "self". A Dominant is not afraid of feelings
or emotions, theirs or other peoples.
|
|
Will have an explosive temper
|
If he/she is truly to have control over another human must first have control over themselves. It they can't control their own temper/emotions how are they to
be trusted to control issues for another human being? Anger or any emotion is normal to feel, what crosses the line into abuse is the expression of those emotions
and lack of control of that expression and those expressions and reactions creating a fear in those around them.
|
|
Will criticize and put down his/her partner a lot
|
Does not need to criticize and/or put down another human being in order to feel "better than" another person. Any behavior or set of behaviors that
degrade another person's sense of self, sense of confidence, sense of self worth or self esteem is abuse, their is no grey area here, this is very black and
white. BDSM activities that include humiliation are for the pleasure of the person being humiliated, if such activities degrade the person's sense of self
worth, esteem, confidence or sense of self a Dominant shouldn't continue with such activities. A Dominant should at all times be aware of what his/her control
is doing to his/her submissive emotionally and physically and accept responsibility for such. Anything else is ABUSE. A Dominant strives to help the submissive
be the best they can be in all aspects. A Dominant does not strive to destroy the submissive's sense of self, sense of worth, self esteem or self confidence
but rather a Dominant strives to enhance those aspects in the submissive.
|
|
Will have difficulty expressing his/her feelings
|
Is self confident and self assured enough to know that emotions are a fact of life and that the expression of doubt, the admitting of mistakes or the
acknowledgement that they don't always have all the answers is not a death sentence for their being. Dominants don't have egos that are based on false
perceptions or false presentations of themselves to the rest of the world.
|
|
May drink heavily or abuse drugs
|
Is responsible enough to know where the line is between use and abuse of mind altering substances. A Dominant thrives on being in control and the
abuse of alcohol or drugs creates the inability to be in control of oneself, never mind another human being, even if only for a short period of
time while the substance is in their body. A person doesn't abuse another person because they are drunk or stoned, they consciously get drunk or
stoned so that they can lose control and have the excuse it was the alcohol and drugs responsible and not them. This is also know as not accepting
responsibility and blaming others for their behavior.
|
|
Will be protective of his/her partner to the point of being controlling
|
Protects and controls his/her partner for the best interest of the whole and not out of fear of losing that person ( jealousy). A Dominant is not afraid of
his/her submissive being self sufficient and able to survive without the Dominant in their life. A Dominant doesn't control things out of fear of being left
by the submissive so therefore doesn't control things to make the possibility of the submissive leaving impossible.
|
|
Will be controlling of his/her partner's behavior, money, or decisions
|
Protects and controls his/her partner for the best interest of the whole and not out of fear of losing that person ( jealousy). A Dominant is not afraid of
his/her submissive being self sufficient and able to survive without the Dominant in their life. A Dominant doesn't control things out of fear of being left
by the submissive so therefore doesn't control things to make the possibility of the submissive leaving impossible. The deciding factor here is the Dominants
motivation for the control of difference aspects of the submissive's life. Controlling out of best interest and concern = Dominant. Controlling out of fear of
losing the person or losing control of the person = Abusive controlling jerk.
|
|
May have broken or thrown objects at his/her partner; hit, shoved, kicked his/her partner when angry, frustrated or emotional
|
Is so in control of themselves that they will not allow their emotions to control their behavior and reactions but rather they control their reactions to their
emotions. This one too is black and white. Anyone who hits, strikes, belittles, threatens physical violence, financial harm of another human being in anger or
in an attempt to gain or maintain control is ABUSIVE. A Dominant does not have to use any of the above to gain or maintain control. Punishment meted out in anger
or frustration, regardless of the persons stated reasons for such "punishment" is ABUSE. In BDSM and D/s this issue can be very confusing for the
submissive to recognize as abuse especially if the abuser states his/her behavior is based on some perceived infraction by the submissive. If an activity
leaves the submissive feeling, dirty, fearful, scared, or in any way shape or form negatively effected then the event was abuse. A Dominant will recognize
that and immediately set about repairing any damage done to the submissive. An abusive controlling jerk, will walk away sulking until the abused person runs
to them to make things all better.
|
|
Will use emotional blackmail, emotional withdrawal, withdrawal of affection and give the cold shoulder to gain control
|
Would never use such tactics to manipulate control because they have other skills and exude such as air of confidence and security and instill such immense
trust in their submissive that the submissive willingly submits. Emotional blackmail and the withdrawal of affection, support and communication destroys trust
and security in the Dominant for the submissive. The response from the submissive is therefore out of fear and not out of a heart felt need to submit. Wanting
to submit because it makes you feel safe and secure is BDSM and D/s. Submitting out of fear of what will happen if you don't is ABUSE, no grey area here, this
one is black and white. Dominants know that the withdrawal of affection or emotional support will destroy the foundation of trust that is imperative to a D/s
or BDSM relationship and would never do such things.
|
|
Does not accept responsibility for their actions, words, reaction, choices, behavior, decisions. Instead, they blame everyone and everything else on the planet
but NEVER themselves. They never clean up the messes they make, rather they have everyone around them so tense everyone else runs around fixing the problems for
fear of what the jerk will do if the problem continues or the mess is still there in plain sight.
|
Readily accepts total responsibility for every, action, word, reaction, choice, behavior, decision they make or do. A Dominant is not afraid to admit they made
a mistake or misjudged something. A Dominant accepts responsibility and sets out to rectify the issues, problems or messes they caused.
|
Articles and Info
Books
Contact Us
Humor Pages
Links
Stories
Training
Welcome Page