Preventing Domestic Violence in the Leather/BDSM/Fetish Community

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Copyright © NLA-I

Pamphlet 3: Polyamourous Considerations

Distinguishing abuse in these special types of relationships:

What are healthy Polyamourous ("Poly") relationships?

A Polyamourous person is one who has, seeks to have or is inclined to have multiple relationships with more than one partner in sexual and/or romantic ways at the same time. Each partner within a polyamourous relationship gets to set their own parameters about what is appropriate "poly" behavior for themselves. Most partnerships are formed when two or more parties agree on what the parameters for their involvements will be. It is hoped that each participant agrees only after they are informed or knowledgeable about what the agreement actually means to each of the other partners. This is called "informed consent."

In healthy poly relationships this agreement fuels each participant's overall individual and collective happiness and personal interpretation of well-being. Healthy poly-oriented individuals will seek to make their relationships win-win and often go to great lengths to ensure that they make choices that work for all parties concerned. Poly relationships are not an invitation to violate current agreements, promises or commitments, they are an opportunity for sexual or romantic self-expression between consenting adults who enjoy it. It should be noted that Polygamy (marriage to more than one person simultaneously) is illegal within the U.S.

What is abuse within a Poly relationship?

Since many poly relationships are often complex and have the capacity to be or become emotionally intense, participants will likely be very careful in their approach to any structured agreements so that trust might be built over time, ensuring the ongoing safety and health of each participant. Random House Webster's Dictionary defines abuse as "to use wrongly or improperly" and "to treat in a harmful, injurious or offensive way." When one partner coerces, manipulates, bribes or threatens another to agree to something, especially something as potentially intense as Polyamoury, it is possible that the relationship is abusive and, if the partners are or have been intimates, then it may be considered domestic violence. In either case each party should get help quickly.

What does an abusive Poly relationships look like?

If you have lingering feelings that "this isn't right" or that "something is wrong with this picture" then there is cause for further consideration. It may not be abuse, but it is important to listen to your internal alarms and explore areas of concern. You may notice the following

• demands that someone accept, tolerate, or change to accommodate bouts, outbursts or feelings of jealousy
• forcing someone to make agreements they aren't comfortable with, adjust to new partners too quickly, change current agreements without re-negotiating, etc.
• withholding support, affection, care or other agreed upon exchanges if a partner does not agree to include someone new
• violations of "shared airspace" by sounds of sex, intimacies, secret conversations, BDSM activities, etc. without previous check-ins and/or agreements
• chronic ridicule or extreme criticism of other partners and/or playmates; constant venting or complaining about one partner to another, especially if they are also intimates
• repeated breaking of confidences either directly or indirectly
• belittling of sentimental items or gifts from other partners
• setting a partner up to feel guilty about their other interests/partners
• manipulating, coercing, bribing, forcing for more time, space or attention than other partners, especially primary one.

If you think you may be in an abusive BDSM relationship:
You may feel that no one will understand what you are going through. You may feel alone. Look up a BDSM sensitive therapist on-line through the KINK-Aware Professionals list (www.bannon.com/~race/kap) and get help. You do not deserve to be abused and you cannot prevent it with more control or better service. Abuse and Domestic Violence can occur even in well-negotiated relationships to bottoms and tops alike and it is not okay. Get help.

Trust your instincts. Make a plan. Get help so you can get out.

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Abuse can and does happen to anyone and it is not okay.