Preventing Domestic Violence in the Leather/BDSM/Fetish Community

by

Copyright © NLA-I

Pamphlet 5: Considerations for Sex Workers

Distinguishing abuse to and with those in this specialized type of profession:

What is a healthy Sex Worker?

A sex worker is someone who provides some sort of service for fees, usually physical or sexual in nature. Often they will have clearly defined boundaries and limitations and take necessary mental and physical health precautions to remain safe and healthy in their profession. A sex worker can be a lesbian or dyke and still provide sexual services to men, be a gay male and provide services to women, identify as heterosexual and provide sexual services to members of the same sex, may identify as "a-sexual" or "non-sexual" on a personal level and still provide sexual services to others, etc. It is also possible that they may not engage in any type of one-on-one contact or sex with clients, but may instead be a dancer or stripper, a professional Dominatrix, a professional submissive or may be a phone sex worker or a "porn" star, appearing in pornographic videos. Any person who identifies as a Sex Worker is entitled to the same safety and peace of mind considerations that any other person receives in other fields of employment and/or business ownership. Sex workers get to set their own parameters about what is appropriate behavior for themselves within their chosen line of work, as well as within their personal and interpersonal relationships.

It should be noted that many types of employment within the sex worker industry are still considered illegal within most U.S. states.

What is considered abusive to or with a Sex Worker?

Since many forms of sex work are considered by mainstream society as either a) illegal or b) morally wrong or c) both, relationships with these individuals have specific needs and areas of concern. Due to the specific type of legal ramifications and social restrictions sex workers face, care must be taken not to perpetuate institutionalized discrimination and shame or guilt based philosophies. Partnerships with sex workers are often complex and have the capacity to be or become emotionally intense. Abusive behaviors towards sex workers may come in the form of judgments, condescension, resentment of success or type of work performed, raging jealousies or invalidation of their authenticity and sincerity in private or personal sexual relations. Random House Webster's Dictionary defines abuse as "to use wrongly or improperly" and "to treat in a harmful, injurious or offensive way." When one partner coerces, manipulates, bribes or threatens another to abandon something they value or agree to do something they don't want, especially something as potentially intense as sex work, it can be assumed that the relationship is abusive and, if the partners are or have been intimates, then it is considered domestic violence. In either case each party should get help quickly.

What does abuse towards Sex Workers look like?

• demands are made that someone accept, tolerate, or change to accommodate bouts, outbursts or feelings of jealousy
• expectation of special favors or appreciation for "tolerating" their line of work
• withholding support, affection, care or other agreed upon exchanges if the sex worker does not agree to non-negotiated demands
• justifying violations of monogamy agreements because one partner is a sex worker
• derogatory comments or extreme criticism of skills, pricing, gender or quality of clients, length of appointments, lack of repeats, area of specialty, mode of dress, body style, etc.
• threats or acts of withholding escorts or safety back-up as agreed
• repeated withdrawal, fits of anger or guilt trips after client sessions
• manipulating, coercing, blackmailing or forcing for more time or attention than clients, especially during peak seasons or times
• physical abuse and/or damage to equipment, clothing or toys used for work
• blackmail to do "other things" in exchange for safety or protection from police exposure

If you think you may be in an abusive BDSM relationship:
You may feel that no one will understand what you are going through. You may feel alone. Look up a BDSM sensitive therapist on-line through the KINK-Aware Professionals list (www.bannon.com/~race/kap) and get help. You do not deserve to be abused and you cannot prevent it with more control or better service. Abuse and Domestic Violence can occur even in well-negotiated relationships to bottoms and tops alike and it is not okay. Get help.

Trust your instincts. Make a plan. Get help so you can get out.

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Abuse can and does happen to anyone and it is not okay.